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Do I bin?

(291 Posts)
Feckthis Fri 16-Mar-12 23:18:43

I need some honest opinion here...please help. I've been with DH for many years, married for 13. 2 small dc. I'm trying to decide whether I've given it my all or whether I'm being a flake. I've got a degenerative disease. He's not so well either. He is very proud, hardly says sorry, quick temper. I'm quite passive-aggressive, been having counselling for depression (part of disease) and struggling to keep up with work, chores, life. Tendency towards martyrdom inherited from my mother, i admit. But DH won't talk about any of it, gets angry esp. when I broach the subject of cutting hours at work, picks away at housekeeping failures, is seemingly disappointed in me and his life. He's under pressure from work and family - I think he's depressed but wouldnt ever go see anyone, ever. But i feel so unloved, belittled and ground down. What can I do? I've tried to be positive so so many times my fecking cheerleader pompoms have worn out. What's the next move?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sat 09-May-15 10:40:24

Very good news Feck, stick with it now, don't waver.

I think you should at least have a deadline for 'not too long' otherwise you won't really be able to move on.

Best of luck with evrything flowers

hidingfromthem Fri 24-Apr-15 15:51:00

i'd call it a day.
and i wouldn't even brook any discussion with him about calling it a day.
i would contact my solicitor and start the divorce asap.

ATerribleBeauty Fri 24-Apr-15 13:42:49

Well done Feck, best of luck for your future.

Feckthis Fri 24-Apr-15 13:19:38

Some flowers for you all...

Feckthis Fri 24-Apr-15 13:16:36

Guys, I did it...hes moved into a flat down the road, he's not living here any more. WE HAVE SEPARATED.

The children now see him every day but in a good way, paying them attention, not shouting, angry and bossy, calmer and more loving. We have ground rules about when he can come over etc and, after a lot of hiccups, they are sticking and giving me certainty and security.

My illness is not brilliant at the moment but I'm taking the view that all this stress is bound to hit me hard and I need to pace myself. Now I'm not in a war zone I'm starting to look around me and decide what I want to do with my life. I've just been accepted to do a postgrad degree in art and my name has just come up for an allotment so good things are happening. Finally. Thank goodness.

I'm slowly putting my stamp on the house and changing old routines ... I went and bought bright blue towels as one of the first things I did because we'd always had to have grey ones (to make the bathroom look cool apparently...tosh, blue looks ace and cheers me up)

I've got a CBT counsellor and am starting to unlearn my behaviours and beliefs that I used to protect me and the boys. I am starting very slowly to reinvent my life to what it should be like. It's like walking into the sunshine.

He's got a counsellor and started seeing her last week after the NHS saw him, said he was desperate but it would be three months before they could do anything. He tried to say he'd wait but I said I'd start divorce proceedings immediately if he didn't see someone since our problems are down to his behaviour.

Have I filed for the big D? Not yet. I want to see where his counsellor gets him to but it's definitely a real option. He's not coming anywhere near us as a family unless he sorts himself out properly and I'm more than happy to wait a bit. But not too long.

Thank you again for your perseverance everyone. This has been going on for years but I've turned a massive corner now. No going back.

WineTasterExtra Wed 25-Feb-15 17:29:23

Love your bunny - you are very talented.

tipsytrifle Wed 25-Feb-15 12:39:11

I suspect that you have actually been very kind and gentle in your posts about XH over the last 3 years. Since you now describe it chillingly as like "sleeping with the enemy". OK he might have got worse and worse but perhaps you have seen it for what it is more and more too? I wish you the greatest of luck and strength. Reclaim your life, Feckthis.

Has he moved out yet?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 25-Feb-15 10:54:10

Pleased to see this, how's it going Feck?

Twinklestein Sat 07-Feb-15 13:17:27

OP, I've just read your thread, I wasn't here when you started it. I have to say it's one of the most heartbreaking threads I've seen on here.

You are clearly highly intelligent and talented and lovely, and you've let yourself be tortured by this dreadful abusive man for so long. He's been ruining your life. I say this because even now, it's not clear that this will really be the end, he may well manipulate you to somehow call off the divorce.

If you even consider stalling over ending this, please find yourself a therapist who specialises in domestic abuse - Women's Aid will be able to recommend.
It would do you good to find one even if you do manage to divorce, to process the trauma you've been through.

And if it hasn't already been mentioned, you might try the Freedom Programme.

Best of luck. smile

hamptoncourt Sat 07-Feb-15 11:03:29

feck I posted about a year ago I think and said this

What he is doing to you ( repeatedly) is called "pressing the re-set button" When he can see you are seriously considering splitting, he turns on the charm offensive and convinces you to give him yet another chance. Then as soon as he is "safe" he reverts back to treating you like shit.

Nobody here will blame you for taking your time in making your decision but please think about what I said and how he has played you like this over and over again.

I hope for your sake that this really is the last time and you get the chance to live your life for you now smile

Has he actually gone?

SilverFishFly Sat 07-Feb-15 09:21:17

It takes time to gather the strength needed to make big changes. See the past two years as your strength gathering years! And now you can fly.


Feckthis Fri 06-Feb-15 23:30:52

Thankyou I will

Stay strong, Feckthis. I'm delighted you're tasting freedom at last smile

Feckthis Wed 04-Feb-15 06:31:35

Update....hold onto your hats, it's been rocky...since the last post we have struggled on, DH finally got some counselling for himself and I thought it was going to be ok. Then the counselling slipped, his obsessive behaviour increased (very sleeping with the enemy) and I found myself looking into an abyss. Then I got the shove I needed in the form of a family member who has suffered in the past and rebuilt their lives. And so in the last four days I have asked him to leave, withheld against all begging, weeping etc, protected my boys, leant on my best best friend, watched DH have a breakdown, got him medical help, tasted freedom, cried a lot, survived. This is going to be a bitch but I feel like it's so right.. Thank you guys esp tallwivglasses and ergo

Hi Feckthis I wondered how you were doing. Please - give it a time limit: new year, your birthday, this time next year? Where do you want to be by then? If you're not there by then, have a serious think about how much longer you're prepared to live this life.

I did the hanging on 'til grim death for far too long. Please don't make my mistake. If it doesn't get better, get out.

Feckthis Fri 12-Sep-14 23:42:28

A hiatus and I'm back...things better but still in progress. OH finally got first counselling session last week. While that is good and he has been a lot better I can't help but be fed up that I am the one who is expected to be patient and give him space etc. yes, where when you are In the middle of all this you hang on to the good bits, the improvements, and downplay the bad. I know it's been a long time but a lot has happened too.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 08-Apr-14 01:19:09

Useful information that he should have been given at the time of his diagnosis too.
Was it news to him?

debbs77 Tue 08-Apr-14 00:49:39

Just come across this thread.

OP do you know that (if the dates are right) your first post was two years ago?? It doesn't sound like anything has changed :-(

Feckthis Tue 08-Apr-14 00:16:26

So, he went to see the doctor and has been referred to a psychologist because the illness he has often causes mental Why did I not know t his? I know it's not absolution but hey, it's useful info I should have had YEARS ago....

cake x

Feckthis Sat 29-Mar-14 01:08:09

Thank you, that means a lot.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 27-Mar-14 08:57:21

No, I don't see it as failure at all.

I understand your need to exhaust every last shred of hope.

I think I had assumed that you had told him all that before.

Maybe he really has had an epiphany and will work hard to change. I hope it's not just lip service to maintain the status quo.

You deserve to be happy Feck. I wish you continued strength and lots of luck with your art.

Let us know how it goes.

Feckthis Wed 26-Mar-14 22:06:44

I'm here. How do I update? Will you think I failed? Perhaps but this route feels right.

I stayed strong, I refused to bow down and I told him everything I wish I'd told him until now. His emotional distance, his complete misunderstanding of my and the boys' needs, how he needs to take responsibility for his actions. He didn't know what to do, was shaken and shocked. But, after all these years he's finally agreed to see a counsellor. Not a marriage guidance one, a psychologist. And has made the appt - I made sure. And has publicly supported me in my decision to resign and focus on my art. Big steps. Huge.

I have got my legal position sorted, and financial. If he fucks up I walk and he knows that. I feel so strong, a completely new experience.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Mon 24-Mar-14 09:31:29


Why is there no <cake> emoticon? x

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