Do I bin?

[Feckthis]

I need some honest opinion here...please help. I've been with DH for many years, married for 13. 2 small dc. I'm trying to decide whether I've given it my all or whether I'm being a flake. I've got a degenerative disease. He's not so well either. He is very proud, hardly says sorry, quick temper. I'm quite passive-aggressive, been having counselling for depression (part of disease) and struggling to keep up with work, chores, life. Tendency towards martyrdom inherited from my mother, i admit. But DH won't talk about any of it, gets angry esp. when I broach the subject of cutting hours at work, picks away at housekeeping failures, is seemingly disappointed in me and his life. He's under pressure from work and family - I think he's depressed but wouldnt ever go see anyone, ever. But i feel so unloved, belittled and ground down. What can I do? I've tried to be positive so so many times my fecking cheerleader pompoms have worn out. What's the next move?

[BelleDameSansMerci]

From your brief post, you appear to be doing all the "work" in the relationship. I think it needs to come from you both. He's not appearing to invest in it like you are.

I'd suggest talking to him about how you feel and see if he's willing to take on "his share" but also have a good think about how you want your life to be. Do you still see him in that picture?

[Feckthis]

Ive tried talking. He won't. Just clams up. I've been with him since I was 20 and I'm in my forties now. Hard to change the picture. But I posted here so I must be contemplating it. It seems such a waste....

[Feckthis]

Sory for staccato typing - my hands don't work v well

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Sorry, I went off to bed. It sounds as if you are at least contemplating a different life... Maybe worth investing some time to consider how you want the rest of your life to be?

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

unloved, belittled and ground down is not tenable. No-one should have to live like that. If he won't talk about it, and therefore won't make changes to address these problems, then it does look like your choices are:

• remain unloved, belittled, and ground down, or
  
• bin.

[Feckthis]

Wish there was a Third Way....feel like a lemming peering over the cliff....

[Feckthis]

One of his tenets is 'this is me, take it or leave it'. Always had been. But I think That's a red herring tbh. Whatever he lives by he should treat me with love and respect shouldn't he? I find myself worrying about what he'll pIck me up on next. Fucking mad isn't it? I'm highly educated, got a good job and have good friends. Where are my balls?! I just roll over each time we argue and now he's saying I'm being unreasonable because I won't let it go. This after he stomped around all morning because he 'had' to do some housework because he said the house was a tip. It isn't. It's normal. But I'm unreasonable because I said we had to try to solve this impasse. Ffs. I'm so angry but can't verbalise it. Too scared.

[Feckthis]

belle I will I think.

[tallwivglasses]

Oh this is no way to live - and judging by your nn you know this too.

If you escape now, it won't mean the last 20 years have been a 'waste'. You grown, developed learned stuff...learned who you are, which is why you're starting to think 'feck this'!

If you continue to live this half-life for the next 20 years - that will be a waste.

Verbalising can be scary. It makes it more real somehow. Keep typing...then read it aloud to yourself. Baby steps.

[Feckthis]

My plan is forming. Relate, find out legal position, try one more time then make decision either way. Scared.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Scared is normal: facing the unknown is always frightening. And takes real courage. You are proving how brave you are.

[Feckthis]

Believe me. Today has strengthened my resolve. More later.

[TheSockPuppet]

I can't offer any advice sorry, but I hope things work out for you whatever path you choose, you sound like a very strong person.

[Feckthis]

So I have had a mixed day. When I sent the last post I was feeling downhearted. Long story but essentially today hasn't really been Mothers Day. More, Mothers' responsibility day. I was given a present and my boys gave me a card so I know I'm not so badly off but there has been v little in the line of 'no darling, you have a break' in fact I've been the chief carer today while DH
has had a few cheeky beers, socialised and had a good time. The only positive that's come out of this is that I've realised that the time I'm spending with the boys is actually not a burden(although I'm knackered) but valuable. I've been quite shocked at how much DH has missed. New words from the youngest etc. I think he doesn't realise how miserable I've become but he won't listen to me so I'm stuck. I stay with my plan I think...

[Feckthis]

My pompoms are still worn out though. Definitely. And there's been no mention of my (late and very very missed) mother today either. Am feeling sorry for myself. And still angry. Must resolve rather than shelve this, I know.

[DonnaDoon]

All the best op...no advice just wanted to say I hear ya and keep your chin up. You can leave your pom poms down for a bit whilst you reflect.

[Feckthis]

The weird thing is he's acting as if there's nothing wrong. He just can't won't discuss things. Any good ideas for broaching this subject in a non confrontational manner? I'm not doing anything until I'm up to speed re rights, options etc but would be grateful for suggestions. I don't want to screw this up

[Feckthis]

Bump

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

What do you want to tell him, Feckthis?

[BewitchedBotheredandBewildered]

I really feel for you OP, but I don't know what you can do if he won't listen to you or discuss.
It sounds like you could do with some breathing space. Would he leave for a while if you asked him to?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"'this is me, take it or leave it'. "

Means 'put up or shut up'... means 'I'm not changing'.... means 'I'm not even going to discuss changing'. He will act as though nothing is wrong because he's behaved this way for 20 years without incident. He knows you'll keep your chin up, go easy on him, keep the peace, tippy-toe round his bad temper, make excuses for him (under pressure from work and family?) ... all the things you describe. He is complacent because he thinks you have no choice. There is no tangible downside to his behaviour and therefore no incentive to change. He is not taking you seriously.

The only way you will get through to someone like this is to act out of character and put him on the back foot. For you, therefore, a non-confrontational way to bring it up will only support his view of you as weak and to be ignored. It has to be deliberately confrontational, assertive and there have to be real and present consequences for what happens to him if nothing changes.

So when he next says 'this is me, take it or leave it'.... you respond with 'leave it'. And then tell him to leave while you get your thoughts together and work out what to do next. It could be that this finally makes him see you are serious and that you can take things forward positively. It could be it's the end of your marriage. But anything sounds better than the emotional bullying you are currently subject to.

[BewitchedBotheredandBewildered]

Very well said Cogito.
She didn't get much response for a while, I hope she hasn't given up on the thread.

[feckthis]

oh no, I'm here. Thank you. I know you're right. I just can't quite believe that he can be so unempathetic. I tried to talk to him last night. Basically it solved nothing. He's totally focussed on managing our finances as a consequence of my illness - how do we provide for the future if I have to leave my (very well paid) job earlier than we thought. Won't listen. Won't see any options. Won't acknowldege my fears, concerns, worries. Nada.
I'm putting my plan into action. I've set up a separate email, started investigating the financial side, contacted Relate to get (online) counselling for me. Next stop is understanding the legals. Then I am prepared and I will do as you suggest and stand my ground. I am worth more than this, arent I? He genuinly can't see it though and that's where I feel I ought to give him a chance...but is that just me hesitating before breaking this marriage apart. Once I suggest it that will be it, no going back.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"He genuinly can't see it though"

'Won't' rather than 'can't'. Controlling people like your husband who are quite content in the world they've engineered do not see the point in thinking about anyone else's point of view. They rationalise it as.... 'she's whining again', 'it's something and nothing', 'it'll blow over', 'I do everything for this family', 'she'll come round eventually'. When you give a person like this the benefit of the doubt they simply interpret it as justification for not taking you seriously in the first place.

Your plan sounds excellent. Money = independence and knowledge = power. You are worthy of love and respect, not criticism and nit-picking. And you wouldn't be breaking the marriage apart... he sounds like he's spent many years doing that very effectively all by himself.

[BewitchedBotheredandBewildered]

I can't put it any better than Cogito has.
I wish you strength and determination.
You sound so lovely, I hope he realises what he risks losing.