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Do I bin?

(277 Posts)
Feckthis Fri 16-Mar-12 23:18:43

I need some honest opinion here...please help. I've been with DH for many years, married for 13. 2 small dc. I'm trying to decide whether I've given it my all or whether I'm being a flake. I've got a degenerative disease. He's not so well either. He is very proud, hardly says sorry, quick temper. I'm quite passive-aggressive, been having counselling for depression (part of disease) and struggling to keep up with work, chores, life. Tendency towards martyrdom inherited from my mother, i admit. But DH won't talk about any of it, gets angry esp. when I broach the subject of cutting hours at work, picks away at housekeeping failures, is seemingly disappointed in me and his life. He's under pressure from work and family - I think he's depressed but wouldnt ever go see anyone, ever. But i feel so unloved, belittled and ground down. What can I do? I've tried to be positive so so many times my fecking cheerleader pompoms have worn out. What's the next move?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 23-Mar-12 12:45:28

I can't put it any better than Cogito has.
I wish you strength and determination.
You sound so lovely, I hope he realises what he risks losing.

feckthis Fri 23-Mar-12 13:06:30

oh, that's made me cry. There havent been many affectionate words around here for a while sad. Thank you so much.

I'm scared to death but I'm 99% certain I'll see it through. I have to really,, don't I? I refuse to have this go on to another generation (his parents weren't happy) - my DCs bloody well will respect their partners and their mother. How can they respect a doormat? They can't.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 23-Mar-12 13:20:30

Don't cry. The whole thing's horrible, no doubt about it. It's a crappy choice either way. It is NOT EASY. The emotions are all up in the air and competing with each other. You get your sleeves all rolled up one minute determined to do something this time and then you start thinking about the good times and your resolve weakens a little. You never thought you'd be the one of your friends getting divorced so it's horrible thinking about legal advice. It takes guts so being 'scared to death' is absolutely par for the course and, if you're not a confrontational person by nature, it's even more daunting.

All I can say is - courage!!! You can choose to spend the next 20, 30, 40 years feeling 'unloved, belittled and ground down' as you put it originally, or you can take a risk, make a stand and maybe find peace of mind.

feckthis Fri 23-Mar-12 13:25:12

and i know what choice I'll make. I will. I'm just so sad about it all. thanks.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 23-Mar-12 13:48:14

Sorry about the tears. Have you got someone in RL that you can talk to?

feckthis Fri 23-Mar-12 13:57:01

Yes. A good friend who I'm seeing soon. I haven't told anyone else. Got to keep up appearances haven't we? That is DHs view. I dont care about appearances tbh I just prefer to deal with this privately. Can't stand it when you get lots of pity sympathy. Honest concern yes. Feeling sorry for me is harder to palate.

feckthis Fri 23-Mar-12 14:12:07

By which I don't mean here at all. MNetters are the best because there's no artifice. Brilliant support.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 23-Mar-12 15:38:45

Good news about seeing your friend soon.
I think it's a good idea sometimes to keep things private. If everyone knows you never get to switch off and talk about something else.
No, I can't stand pity either.
Have to go out now.

Feckthis Sun 25-Mar-12 22:53:50

Had chat with friend. DH now shouty about some minor home improvements I made over the weekend. Then just carries on like it's ok to order me to put all back as was. It's very confusing because it is hard to know what's really going on in his head. Sigh. DS1 was mean to his younger sibling today too. All a bit pressure cooker.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 26-Mar-12 11:01:22

It's very confusing because it is hard to know what's really going on in his head.

Why does he do that?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Mon 26-Mar-12 12:54:05

Sorry to hear about your week end.
I wish I could help more, I'm just here to hand hold really.

Feckthis Mon 26-Mar-12 20:53:45

And that's lovely. Thank you.

Feckthis Mon 26-Mar-12 23:06:59

Have been reading other threads here and much discussion of emotional abuse. How do you judge EA? I can't trust my judgement as obviously I'm not impartial. How can I tell if I'm overreacting or not?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 27-Mar-12 06:49:01

"How do you judge EA?"

You're not overreacting. Emotional abuse is the gradual wearing down of your self-esteem and judgement by years and years of controlling & bullying behaviour. Verbal abuse, constant criticism, belittling of your efforts, opinions or ambitions, denying you access to friends, deciding what you are 'allowed' or not allowed to do. Emotional abusers behave badly in other ways and expect it to be tolerated. They are often charming and pleasant outside the home but horrible inside the home. Everything bar actual physical violence, basically.

Shouting at you one minute and acting like everything's OK (or even being very loving) the next means you have been left confused and unsure... that's a classic emotional abuse tactic. If you're walking around on eggshells worried about saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing and getting a blast of insults.....that's emotional abuse. Criticising your DIY attempts and thinking he can just 'command' you to undo them is bullying. The fact that you are not furious with him but trying to understand 'what's going on inside his head' is also very typical.

His behaviour is not your responsibility and there is no excuse for it to happen. NB Your relationship is your children's template for normal and, if they continue to be exposed to him bullying and you accepting it, there is a risk that they go on to copy the pair of you in their future relationships. HTH.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Tue 27-Mar-12 08:53:23

You are not overreacting. He sounds impossible to live with.
What did your friend say?

Feckthis Tue 27-Mar-12 16:26:42

Cognito I am grateful for your honesty. It's the dc I'm most worried about. I'm still prepping and have taken the view that everything from now on is practice for when I'm solo sad so all lone parenting for example will be preparation rather than sob-inducing. Ive also started the ball at work on getting time off to cope with my health. Still fecking terrified that I might be actually going to do this.

Feckthis Tue 27-Mar-12 16:27:46

Bewitched he's not impossible but it is wearing me out. I want myself back.

Feckthis Tue 27-Mar-12 16:41:56

Friend is in mild shock tbh but v supportive. We are a 'happy couple' in public. I haven't even talked to my sisters although I think they are worried about me.

suburbophobe Tue 27-Mar-12 16:59:35

It´s normal to be afraid of going it alone, especially when you´ve been in the "status quo" for so long.

I am an LP and it´s not always a walk in the park it sure beats having to tiptoe round an abusive man! Oh, the peace!! Bliss!

I honestly believe my DS is a better person for it. Dread to think how he would´ve turned out if I´d stayed. (Probably as abusive as his father....).

Feckthis Wed 28-Mar-12 07:05:55

I feel like I'm coming up through deep water. I keep remembering episodes. I indirectly tried to talk about it last night but don't seem to be able to articulate. He thinks I'm going bananas. Sometimes I do too. We are going away at Easter. Should I wait and have it out once back home?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 28-Mar-12 07:55:12

If he thinks you're 'going bananas' that's another example of EA... trivialising something that matters to you. If you're not in the habit of exploring your feelings too deeply or if you find confrontation leads to anxiety then trying to articulate why you're very unhappy to someone with a track-record of not taking you seriously is very difficult.

When you broach the subject is entirely your call. However, now that you've started thinking about it and now that you're sensitised to what he's doing, don't be surprised if the tension builds during your holiday and things come to a head.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 28-Mar-12 09:20:30

Only you can decide when to act, but you do need time to find out where you stand legally, and then work out what you want to do and how to do it.
When you've done that you will feel more in control and can start to visualise your new life.
Talk to your friend some more and tell your sisters, they will all want to help you I'm sure, and it will get you used to the idea that you have made the decision.

Feckthis Wed 28-Mar-12 12:31:05

My first reaction is that I can't tell my sisters because he'll be angry. QED.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 28-Mar-12 13:12:28

How would he know who you'd spoken to unless you told him? Aren't you allowed private conversations?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 28-Mar-12 15:18:06

Wow, surely the subject of a conversation between you and your sisters could be kept private.

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