does your parents' divorce still affect your life choices now?

[thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat]

watching the programme on channel 4 about divorcing without screwing up your kids...I was wondering to what extent your own experience as a child affects your decisions as an adult? My parents got divorced and I think it has had an enormous impact on how I feel now. (am struggling not to cry as I watch) Am also shocked and angry at the figure they just cited - 60 per cent of fathers loose contact with children after 3 years.

[melissasmummy]

I think more than anything my parent's divorce makes me try harder at my marriage. I don't want the trail of destruction left for my child that I had. It also makes me try & do the best for my child.

My mother was very bitter about my father leaving (even tho it was her who caused it) & she readily let us know that she blamed us for being "naughty kids" (there were 4 of us) She had an affair, sorry, had 2 affairs & he left after the second.

My brothers later went to live with my father & me & my sister stayed at home. I had a very emotion starved time, no love was shown to me etc etc. My mother didn't want me (another issue all together) so she obviously found it hard to relate to me. I know that if they had stayed
together they wouldn't be happy, BUT if they had stayed together my childhood would have been filled with all the love that I craved.

[expatinscotland]

I'm still stunned about the loss of contact of fathers statistic here.

In the States, the courts seem to provide a father who has no history of abuse with a lot more rights of access to his kids. I grew up with many, many kids whose parents had shared custody, and it really meant that. Also a number of kids who's father had primary custody, for one reason or another.

Doesn't seem as common here.

Hell, even grandparents had rights of access via the court system there.

[Piffle]

It made me very very certain that I would never ever stop my kids fathers from seeing them.
My mother left my dad for being boring, I still loathe her for that even now. My father is dead now, they split when I was 11. (I'm 35)
When I was pregnant with ds, I knew the relationship with exp would fail at soem point, he was lovely but unreliable and searching for something else. So I split with him when I was pregnant, to avoid the inevitable future problems, if we'd lived together with ds etc.
I left it late I guess to decide on the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. We've been together 5 yrs and are planning to get wed this year but I keep forgetting to book the venue
I know how resentful i was of not seeing my father hence my feelings...

[SauerKraut]

My parents divorced when I was 6. It affects my own choices to the extent that I will never never do that to my kids. I will stick at my marriage until they are adult, no matter what- not that there's anything wrong with it at the moment. It has also left me with an instinctive mistrust of men as I was brought up by a very controlling male chauvinist stepfather- this tends to make me over-react whenever my poor husband does anything that could be perceived as being chauvinistic or controlling! I also have no idea how a "proper father" should bring up his kids, or what kind of role-model he could be. Although I must say that it was only because of my stepfather that I ever saw my real father at all.

[NotActuallyAMum]

60%?? 60?? Bloody hell I'm gobsmacked!! Well it won't happen to my DP

My parents are still together after 43 years of marriage but.....

When we (6 of us) were children they were always arguing/shouting/falling out etc. etc. and it's made me absolutely determined not to live like that

[MerlinsBeard]

made me conscious not to let my opinion of my dp known to my children.

my mum and dad split when i was 7 and i felt stuck in the middle for al ong long time. then after that dad used to ring me for a sitter for his "new children" or some cash. still feel v used by him tbh

[benbenandme]

I haven't seen last nights programme yet, taped it will watch tonight. Dp left me 6 months ago and am so concerned the effect this will have on ds (2.5 yrs).
Am very frightened by the statistics of fathers losing contact - ex and I are trying really hard to keep things amicable
Of those of you whose own parents split up, can you offer any suggestions of anything your parents did that helped you deal with them separating or is there anyone who feels that their parents separation didn't adversely affect them???

[coppertop]

My parents split up when I was a toddler. I am fairly sure that they would have both been utterly miserable if they had decided to stay together. I think that their divorce taught me that although going it alone is probably the tougher option it can often be the best option for some couples.

I didn't really see my dad again after the divorce. He died just over a year ago. No barriers were put in his way but, like a lot of fathers at that time, he lost touch.

I probably learned more about what not to do after the divorce. I would be a lot more careful (if dh and I were ever to split up) to not choose a partner who made my children's lives a misery.

[NettiSulvetti]

Benbenandme

I just wanted to post to say that I don't feel that I was adversely affected by my parents divorce. They split up when I was 5 and I really don't remember missing my father that much - he moved away for a few years and my sister and I only saw him once or twice a year. After that we stayed with him every other weekend and we moved in with him when I was 13, so we did have a close relationship in the end (and still do).

The only thing I found difficult was that my dad was still bitter about the split (as my mum instigated it) and he used to say mean things about her to us. I now think this was very immature of him and that he should have taken into consideration our feelings since she is our mother. It really made us feel that our loyalty was divided and we didn't know how to respond.

Sorry rambling a bit! I'm actually going through a rough time with my DH as well, but we are staying together for the moment for our DS (3 next month). Not sure how it will work out though. We get along ok, but we are not in love anymore. Also not sure if I'm more prone to think of divorce as an option because of my parents. They both also remarried and then divorced again so not great history there!

[Lizzylou]

My parents divorced when I was 10 and 22 years later they are still acting like bloody kids...my Wedding/Graduation were all ruined by their selfishness.
I have deliberately picked a life partner who is almost the antithesis of my Dad (great bloke..not good on responsibility!) and now live 150 miles away from my family.
I am expecting my 2nd child any day now and my DS's 2nd birthday is in March, as he is having a party at a soft play centre (easy option!) I am having a family do at home, I am inviting both parties and in that way setting a precedent. I DO NOT want my children growing up with the bickering, bitching and blame culture that I had to...
I deliberately avoided the programme last night as even the trailer got me crying (hey, I am very hormonal tho!) and I didn't want to rake up old memories.
So yes, my parents divorce and the aftermath has affected me greatly!

[serenity]

My parents split up for the final time when I was 17, and although I was very upset I also felt a great deal of relief. TBH I would have prefered it if they had stayed separated after their first split when I was 9. I would totally disagree with anyone who thinks that staying together for the sake of the family is a good idea. I have no problems from my parents splitting, but plenty from the 8 years of bickering, resentment and hostility I had to live in. I don't have any contact with my Dad atm (although my brother - 7 years younger- does), mainly to do with his attitudes and behaviour after the split and my realisation that he had very successfully used me as a weapon against my Mum for years (I was horrible to her)

I didn't see the program last night, but I not sure that's a bad thing!

[benbenandme]

Ex and I really want to remain friends and keep everything amicable for ds sake, but everyone keeps telling us this isn't possible. I have been through 6 months of hell but am starting to feel stronger now. It was him who left and yet I don't feel bitter - sometimes I feel resentful at what he has taken away from ds (childhood with 2 parents, brothers/sisters etc), but generally I want to concentrate on forming a good relationship for ds sake - I've even phoned his new gf to explain I don't blame her for our split (he moved in with her straight away), and that in time I would like to get to know her as she is now a part of ds life.

Are we being unrealistic thinking we can try and be amicable? Sometimes it feels as though everyone would rather we were fighting and hurting each other

I know we both want the best for ds and while lots has been said over the last few months that was horrible (on both sides and never in front of ds) we always manage to sort it out, but everyone tells me it won't stay that way - why can't it ???

[Laura032004]

My MIL and FIL split up and subsequently got divorced in Sept 2002. It was (so far as we are concerned) completely out of the blue. They had been married for 30 years, and were about to enter what should have been one of the easiest and happiest parts of their life.

It really affected DH (only child) & I. To the extent that we started TTC DS almost immediately. It still does.

How have they handled it? Not well, but I think we're at an age (26 & 28) when we're expected to be able to cope with it. We were leaned on quite heavily by MIL especially. It was too much for me for a while, as DH was working away.

I worry that DH will leave me in 25 years time, even though we are happy now. I would hate to think that I could end up like MIL is. It makes me quite certain that I don't want an only child, as DH is and MIL is, so we have quite a burden on our shoulders - we are the only people in her life now.

I'd be interested to hear the experiences of anybody else whose parents have split up a lot later in life.

[tibors]

My parents divorced when I was 7 and it's had a major impact on my relationships, largely because my mother never had another relationship after that (she was 33!). She's immensely bitter, even now, 30 years later. I have a great DP, wonderful in fact, whom I married when I was over 30 (of course) and the decision I made was to only have one child, and certainly not 2 close together. It's irrational, because my parents split up because of my dad's affairs (plus they grew apart, and that's just life), but my mum has never been able to accept that; so she just blamed my brother and me, for being born 14 months apart. So, it definitely had an impact. Also I was given an incredibly bleak view of men, and of sex - not that it held me back once I sussed that out, BUT... it took a bit of time to suss out!!

[snowleopard]

Mine divorced when I was a teenager and my mum actually told me it was my fault because they were arguing a lot because of me. This was utter rubbish - they had had a dreadful marriage throughout, he was abusive, she was a doormat (though an unfaithful one) and I was the goody 2 shoes eldest! That in particular makes me think my emotional problems whatever they may be are not something to project onto my kids. And it makes me want to show my children happiness and warmth and affection within a family, because we never had that.

One other effect is it makes me very ambiguous about geting married - I'd quite like to especially now we're parents, but DP and I (both with divorced parents) can't quite get our heads around it...

[thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat]

really interesting to read everyone's experiences. My parents split when I was 12 - Dad left to live with his secretary (who wasn't some 20 year old totty, just a very ordinary middle-aged woman). My biggest problem is that I have never been able to see it in any other terms than him leaving us. not my mum. us. And now I'm a parent and know how much it's possible to love your children I find that harder than ever to deal with. He didn't love me enough to stay. I know that's a childish way of looking at it but I can;t help it. I think it has made me more determined than I would have been to make my marriage work.

[MadMaz]

benbenandme yes you are doing the right thing. I is nearly 3 years since I took the decision enough was enough and moved to the spare room. it was hard to keep it together but it has been 16 months now since he left and it is better. we have worked hard at building a relationship being civil and respectful to each other. exchanging xmas presents etc. most important is to have communication about your children and ensuring the same hymn sheet. he still winds me up sometimes and no doubt he grits his teeth about me also but i never criticise him to our dd. my new partner is respectful when he speaks to my dd about her dad. and all credit to ex dh who also is polite about my new man. it is hard but important. my ex sil and best friend have both said how "well" it has gone... considering. mediation was helpful in sorting out how to do certain things as well as the money etc which can sometimes make good intentions for decency etc go wrong when you argue about the cash/house/pensions. Sometimes i think those who are expecting a big awful mess look to their own lives. The papers never report on civilised divorces only the scandalous ones so the assumption is that there is no such thing as a "decent" divorce.