What would you do if you had PIL who were this insane?? (longish!)

[Nixz]

I would appreciate your advice on this ladies, its long so i willjust highlight the main points...

1. Dp has had quite a rough childhood in glasgow, mum drinking/disappearing/taking overdoses/no friends/doing drugs etc. Dp's dad worked away when he was younger so dp was working full time from 13 to support himself. (he originally lived with grandparents til he was 6 who he thought were his parents but Grandad died.)
   
2. He left home at 16 and joined the army, he's doing very well and is respected inhis career (when his mother doesnt phone up drunk and have hysterics on the phone with CO)
   
3. His mum is always getting drunk leaving appalling messages on our phone, lots of them and has once took an O/D whilst we were there (dd was 1.11, she is now 5 and we have never been back)
   
4. She has been on the phone to me all morning begging for forgiveness, saying she has seen a solicitor for access to dd (she has seen her once in 3 years and i have always encouraged her to stay in contact) and wants to 'start again'.
   
5. Dp is fuming that she can just expect him to forget everything, i cant stand her but would like her to see dd regulary but dont think its gonna happen and it would be nice for DD i think to have another set of Grandparents.
   Anyway, what are your thoughts? Do we give in for the sake of peace and for dd or say 'NO' to the pscyho granny from Glasgow?!

[Nixz]

Should add that i can not hold grudges as i usually say what i feel at the time but dp is very deep and all this humiliation and disgusting behaviuor over the years has crushed him. SO i really feel for him but also feel quite piggy in the middle.

[mummytosteven]

Oh god what a horrendous time your DP had. I really wouldn't give in for the sake of peace - aside from anything else, MIL doesn't sound as if she will give you any peace if she is back in your family's life, and if she's still phoning up drunkenly and abusively, doesn't sound as if she's making any effort to behave more reasonably, and as if she will be a healthy influence on your DD. A resounding NO from me, in other words.

[Avalon]

I would say no, until she's sorted out her problem with alcohol. Can't see her being a good influence on dd's life until then.

[lucy5]

It's a hard one, do you really think she has changed, do you really think she can maintain her behaviour? Why did she go to the solicitor for access? To be honest my sil is like this and she just got worse and more needy and after long battles with her, sorting her out time and time again. We had to cut all contact with her for our own safety.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Has anything changed since the overdose? Is she still drinking?

It sounds like the drinking and drugs are the root of the problem. If she does AA/NA or similar, then I could see the point of trying again, but if the drink and drugs are still around, I wouldn't allow any contact.

[WigWamBam]

The fact that she says she's seen a solicitor regarding access sounds to me as if she's trying to blackmail you into having contact with her again, and that's not the way to deal with these things. From what you say I can't see why you would want your dd to have contact with her; it doesn't sound as if it would be a very positive relationship for your dd, and she is your priority, not your PIL.

[LadySherlockofLGJ]

IMO, your loyalty lies with your DH, what your LO has never had she can't really miss.

I would be inclined to take my lead, from your DH.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Oh, and from what little I know, grandparents have no rights under the best of situations. There is no way your MIL will get any sort of legal help sorting out access, particularly if she's still drinking and/or taking drugs.

[Nixz]

You couldnt reason with her like you could a 'normal' adult, there is no changing her. She can go weeks without drinking, its the way she behaves when she has had a few drinks which causes all the problems. I personally think that if she camne to visit us with DD's birthday present (which is what shes asking - She lives in Glasgow and we live in liverpool) then she would be nice for about 3 months and then something would p* her off and we would be back to square 1. DP doesnt want to let her visit as he feels that by doing so he is more or less saying that everything she has done in the past is ok now, all forgiven kind of thing, which he doesnt want to do iyswim.
i dont trust her though, she will create havoc if we say no.

[mummytosteven]

but she'll create havoc 3 months down the line if you say yes anyway. get caller display so you can avoid her calls.

[Nixz]

We have got caller display and she with holds her number so 9 times out of 10 we never answer these calls, hence the 10, 11, 12 vulgar messages on our machine.
I feel for DP, i really do, and i will support him 100% in his decision and i will not make any decisions with out his approval but i dont think deep down he knows what to do either. He has always given her the benefit of the doubt in the past, but i think he is really confused this time.

[Avalon]

Can you keep the vulgar messages in case you need them as proof further down the line? - you say she's seen a solicitor for access.

[bootsmonkey]

Agree with LGJ - it is up to your DP to decide whether he wants to build bridges with his mother. He is the one with the baggage and history and he is ultimately the one who has to decide whether to forgive or move on. Personally I wouldn't let my DD come into contact with such a destructive influence, unless she is completely clean, has sorted through her issues and I could be entirely sure there is not some sub text to her sudden humility....? I don't see how giving in is for the sake of your DD - IMHO no granny would be better than psycho granny here!

[Nixz]

And you are all right, she is definately not a role model is she!!! However, as she lives in Scotland, she will probably only call her once or twice in a year and see her once in a year.
I am just wondering if DD has the right to see her for this short period of time, in my home with both her parents present. No harm will come, i think it would just be a matter of exchanging a few stories, false laughs and a few presents. Would this do her more harm?

[Nixz]

Dp's grandad died a year ago and they have inherited quite a bit of money. They are trying to bribe us with it, DP doesnt want to know as his mum tried to give him money as a christmas present, he wants to be recognised by his grandad iyswim.
Oh its just awful, the rest of his family are great, we have great relations with his gran, it must be awful for him.

[tigermoth]

I think your loyalty lies with your dp. If he feels it's a bad idea for his mum to see your dd, the go with that. It sounds like he's really been through the mill with her, knows her from bitter experience, has awful childhood memories of her. Even if she is lovely to your dd for several months (you say she can be nice for this period) what happens when she is horrible again - how will your dd feel then?

Having said that, can you give your MIL a ray of hope in case she really means what she says? Talk to your dp about this first. Your dd is getting old enough to get letters and cards and soon start writing something back. Could your MIL write to her for now, and if it goes well, and she does keep in regular contact, AND you feel she is sorting out her life, perhaps later on, she and your dd could see each other.

[bootsmonkey]

Nice idea, but from what you say it wouldn't just amount to that would it - it is all the nasty baggage that comes with it. I think that this would be more confusing for a small child - the Jekyll & Hyde of a drinker. I wouldn't happily volunteer my DD for that type of relationship.

[trice]

I would go with what your dh says, he knows her best and his reading of her character is probably spot on. She sounds needy and controlling which you don't want near your dd.

[NotActuallyAMum]

It's a no from me too

If I were your DH I would expect your support on this because I would think "they're my parents and I'm the one who's had the miserable childhood with them". Agree with others who have said your dd must come first. MIL has had her chance and blown it big time. Also, it really does sound as if she can't be trusted

As for her creating havoc if you do say no, you can't allow her to hold you to ransom like that. Good idea to get caller display - or is it an option to change your number so that she hasn't got it?

[tigermoth]

Does the money issue complicate this? do you mean psycho granny and her partner have inheried this money?

[NotActuallyAMum]

x posts

You can stop anonymous calls, ie anyone who withholds their number will get a message saying "the number you have dialled does not accept anonymous calls"

[Nixz]

i have suggested calls and letters, the only problem is Dp doesnt want to give her our new address just now ,which i totally agree with as now she has inherited some money, there will be no stopping her.
I have explained to her that these decisions are not mine to make and that she needs to speak with her son (DP) but he wont take her calls so she becomes frustrated etc etc so i feel that dp will turn round to me and say that it is up to me, i dont think he knows how to handle it.

[Nixz]

Great idea about anonymous calls, i will get on to that.
Yes they have inherited quite a bit of money, they are going to buy a caravan. I personally think it will buy a new x box and some tennants.

[tigermoth]

oh, dear, sounds like you can't give out your address for now if your dp is so against it. Clutching at straws a bit, but can you suggest your MIL sends letters to your work address or something and you'll pass them on and make sure your dd writes back? That at least gives your MIL a slim chance of contact and a chance to prove she has changed.

Looks like it's best to keep out of the money issue and agree, you should not be blackmailed into seeing your MIL because of it.

[Nixz]

I think the contact via letters and phonecalls is a good way of allowing MIL to prove she wants to be in dds life, i will suggest this to DP but its not the kind of thing PIL would usually do, however, its better than nothing.
DP is away on a course right now and is being hounded by MIL, i have asked her to give him some time to think, i feel so bad for him, i wish i could give him hugs.
The roles are seriously reversed in their family, cant imagine my LO finding me half dead on the floor at the age she is now and having to get herself ready for school and walk miles in the dark to get there on time. I have no idea what goes through MIL's head.