Is there a nice way of saying "grow up FFS!" OR; Am I being unreasonable?

[emkana]

In the last four weeks, my MIL has been diagnosed with cancer, my mother has grown increasingly depressed at the worsening state of my father who has Alzheimer's disease and I've had a worrying 20 week scan which has led to thoughts that I might look at the possibility of having a baby with special needs/an illness.

I feel a bit emotionally exhausted and drained tbh. It doesn't help that dh is away at the moment. Tonight I was looking forward to watching ER and switching off a bit.
A friend of mine called just before ER came on. She has had an on/off relationship with this guy for over 10 years now, and I've been there to discuss it again and again. Tonight she wanted to dissect another telephone conversation she had with him. I talked to her for about 20 mins, basically saying the same things I've said a million times before. Then I asked her if I could call her back tomorrow because I wanted to watch ER. She got all funny and is now upset with me...apparently she could have talked for another hour.
She didn't even ask me how I was, but that's by the by.
Is she right to be upset? Or am I right in thinking that she has some growing up to do? And how can I tell her nicely?

[moondog]

First of all..does she know about what you're dealing with at present?

[Spidermama]

You're right of course.
You have an awful lot to deal with emkana. I'm so sorry. I wish you all the best.
Does your friend know you're dealing with all of this? If not, perhaps she's just repeating the pattern she's become used to of nattering with you about this bf. You need to spell it out to her.

Do you have someone to talk to about all of this?

[emkana]

She does know about my MIL and my father, yes.
She doesn't know about the scan. I did tell her early last week that I was going in, yet she didn't ask me about it today. Which is just like her, she's probably forgotten all about it. It's fine because I didn't really feel like talking about that tonight anyway, but she does strike me as slightly self-centred at times.

[emkana]

spidermama - you're asking if I have somebody to talk to. Do you know, I think Mumsnet has completely ruined me in the sense that I often find it easier to come on here and post about problems than to talk to people in RL. Hate it when I talk to somebody and my voice breaks, but unfortunately I cry so easily.
I have dh of course, and he's wonderful, but otherwise I don't talk to anybody in RL about it in depth really. What does that make me, I wonder?

[edodgy]

Omg this happened to me with a so called self obsessed friend the day after my mum died (i was 22) she rang saying she felt upset because she hadn't copped off with anyone the night before and she actually said to me "do you know how it feels for your world to be turned upside down!" Some people honestly! You are absolutley right, i didnt have to say anything to my friend though as I told another friend who did it on my behalf. Dont worry about being nice just explain to her like you have on here that you have lots of things going on in your life right now and that really its her turn to be there for you. Grr im fuming on your behalf! I hope everything gets better for you soon and please dont worry too much about the scan i had a bad scan this time on my baby's kidneys and everything turned out fine.

[Spidermama]

I completely understand emkana. I know what you mean about MN. Perhaps, like me, you're not much good at showing weakness or allowing yourself to be vulnerable in RL which means people treat you as if you're coping fine, even when you have so much to deal with.

She does sound a bit self centred actually. She probably always has been but you're only noticing it now because of the situation.

Where's your MIL's cancer? Mine had Breast cancer last year.

[emkana]

It's bowel cancer. She's starting treatment in three weeks' time (radio and chemo)
How's your MIL?

I think you're right - I find it difficult to appear vulnerable in RL - it's only with dh that I find it easy.

edodgy - at your friend, and thanks for your words about the scan.

[moondog]

I agree with edodgy.
Some people only think of themselves.
I had similar when no 2 was anew born and I had given birth and moved house without dh (nothing compared to your troubles,but still a lot to cope with.)

My 'friend' turned up,plonked herself down and talked for FIVE hours about her self indulgent relationsip with some dodgy Nigerian she'd met in a nightclub.
Had I so much have dared as whisper the word 'nappies' she would have been gone in a sot,grumbling about how dull mothers are.


I broke the friendship off in the end-massive relief.
Maybe you need to think along the same lines???

(So sorry-it is unbelievable that you are going through so much grief and she is being a selfish arse.)

[kleggie]

Goodness me emkana, sounds like you have been having a real time of it!

I have a 'friend' who is very similar to yours- lurches from one emotional crisis to another with her dp (not actually crises but 'he said this, what do you think he's really trying to say' and 'he said he'd call tonight but didn't, does he hate me?' etc etc). On telling her that my Grandad had just died she said 'oh that's a shame, talking of problems dp has been acting strange again'. Just like that, didn't even pause for breath. And she spent my wedding day getting progressively more drunk and moaning about the fact that she would never get married.

I sometimes find myself wondering why I bother, but tbh on a good day when things are fine she's good fun, but seems to have no awareness of RL or priorities. I am trying to ttc at the moment (4 months no luck yet) and I really can't handle conversations with her because clearly ttc and failing thus far would be dismissed by her as trivial and unimportant. Instead we have got caller display on our phone and I answer when I can handle a blase conversation about her ridiculous on again off again dp.

Either screen your calls or try and be honest with her. Easier said then done I know, but you don't need her emotional neediness with everything else you have going on.

I really hope there is some good news around the corner for you. Will keep checking back to see how you're getting on. If you find a way of getting said friend to grow up, pass on some tips!

[Spidermama]

My MIL has had the all clear but goes back for regular checks. She hasn't been the same since (unsurprisingly) and has lost lots of energy.

For her the most important thing was to have someone go to hospital with her for appointments. I couldn't because I live hundreds of miles away, but I tried to make sure I always knew when they were and 'phoned her about them.

I think some friends who are nice enough when you're feeling on top of things, turn out to be a drain when you're not. I have shed a few friends who only seem able to care about themselves. You have real children to mother after all.

[Spidermama]

What fears has the scan raised?
Ignore me if you don't want to talk about it.

[edam]

Some people really can't cope when the roles in a friendship are reversed - the listener needs to be heard or the strong one needs support. That being said, she's still being a thoughtless cow.

Maybe she's too self-centred to realise 'I want to watch ER' means 'I need to switch off from all these godawful things that are happening'. Maybe she just heard 'a television programme is more important than you.' But even if she is that stuck in her groove, she should have realised within 30 seconds why you wanted to watch ER, fgs.

No idea about tactful ways to explain this though. And not sure you should be pussyfooting around being tactful with her anyway, you need all your energy for the stuff you are dealing with right now.

[emkana]

Spidermama - on MN I can "talk" about it fine, it's just in RL that I find it difficult! Very strange.

My optimistic self tells me it will probably all be fine, but they found that the ventricles in the brain are on the large side of normal and have asked me to come in for a rescan to check their growth. If they grow disproportinately (sp?) it could be a condition called hydrocephalus, which could also be a sign for other things, including Down's among others.

At the weekend I was more worried because I thought they had found that the femur was too short, again a sign for Down's.

[moondog]

Yes,forget the tact.
Bigger fish to fry.
As they say,with friends like these.....

[emkana]

edam - you're spot on there, I think she feels that a TV programme takes priority over her feelings.

She's so scatty that it probably didn't even register with her at the time that I've had a lot to cope with recently because of MIL and my father. She just forgets these things, incredibly.
But at the same time I don't feel like pointing this out to her at the time, because that would make me sound all sanctimonous (sp? can't spell tonight!)
As a good friend she should remember these things surely and not need me to say "Look, in case you've forgotten I'm having a shit time at the moment and also I had my scan which you forgot to ask about and this was the result..."

[Spidermama]

How long before you find out emkana?

I know so many women who've been worried unecessarily by scans that it makes me .

[emkana]

Rescan appointment scheduled for next Monday.

Scans certainly are a mixed blessing.

[Spidermama]

I think you do need to spell out to these thick skinned types (who are a different breed from the likes of us) that they must take a back seat now and again.

[MadMaz]

Have to agree with edam - the essence is that your friend heard "TV is more important than me". You should call her tomorrow and say sorry I cut you off but hey remember me I've got a lot of crap in my head too, stuff that you don't have to deal with I am worrying about the health of three important people in my life and I need to switch off from those issues from time to time otherwise I will go pop. And at those times I just don't have the energy to listen to and advise on other people's problems. If she can't take that on the chin and apologise for being so sensitive (to your need to wind down) and insensitive (for not asking about your day)then you don't need to invest your energies in friends like that.

[Spidermama]

I'm so sorry. It's the last thing you need. You should be enjoying your pregnancy not being worried like this.

How did you feel within yourself about the baby before this scan?

[emkana]

I think I will call her when I know she's at work tomorrow and leave a message on her answerphone along the lines of what you wrote MadMaz.

Spidermama - I felt and feel good really, after months of sickness and headaches I finally started to feel good a few weeks' ago, until this scan which has knocked me down a bit. But I do feel optimistic that all will be fine to a large extent, just having these worries that my optimism will prove to be misguided.

[MadMaz]

so sorry emkana just catching up with the rest of the posts. No wonder you don't want a mate wittering on about her boyfriend.Hope you get the reassurance you need on Monday. There's no point in saying "don't worry" (been there done that), can only say "try to keep busy".

[edam]

Emkana, they could be wrong about the ventricles. But, even if it is still a cause for concern after the rescan, it's not necessarily anything dreadful. Don't want to downplay perfectly legitimate concern, but just to reassure you, I've got enlarged ventricles that are apparently due to mild and self-limiting hydrocephalus in utero. Never picked up as caused no symptoms. Happened to find this out when I had a brain scan in my late 20s. Apparently 'they' suspect it's not that unusual, but the rapid development of ultrasound in pregnancy means much more of this is being discovered.

If it's any help, my enlarged ventricles didn't stop me getting a degree, professional qualifications, a reasonably successful career and a healthy baby of my own!

Hope that doesn't sound like I'm telling you not to worry, when obviously any rational person would worry. Just that the word hydrocephalus does sound particularly doom-laden (frightened the life out of me) and thought my story might be a tiny bit reassuring.

[Spidermama]

I always prefer to go on instinct rather than take on board what the medics are saying, but I agree there's no sense in telling you not to worry because you will anyway.

Distraction works well sometimes. When I have major worries I use distraction when i need to get stuff done or look after the kids, then I schedule time to give in to my thoughts and worries and have a good old cry if I need to.

[emkana]

Thank you edam, that is very helpful!