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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Make up or make him suffer?

15 replies

shimmy21 · 30/01/2006 17:25

I want revenge!!
In brief - last night dh behaved like a big fat sh*t to me. He was aggressive (verbally), woke up the kids with his shouting and was basically just nasty to me. I know the reason - stress at his work but I don't accept that I should be treated like that even if he is stressed. We slept separately and he texted me 'sorry' at work today. Now he's on his way home. Do I forgive him after a long talk about what is not acceptable etc? (in which case I'm saying it's ok you can behave like that to me whenever you want and I'll be fine) or do I make him stew? It keeps happening and every time he promises it will be different and every time he gets stressed he does it again. How do I make this time the last? Please don't tell me to dump him. It hasn't got to that. I just want him to 'get it'.

OP posts:

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mummytosteven · 30/01/2006 17:27

tell him you want him to see GP or counsellor due to how his stress-induced aggressive behaviour is impacting on you as a family?

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shimmy21 · 30/01/2006 17:34

funnily he promised to do the anger management counselling thing last time this happened a few months ago. I'm still waiting for it to happen and actually know that wild horses wouldn't drag him to a counsellor. he'll just say what needs to be said to smooth the waters and then forget.

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Lilyofthevalley · 30/01/2006 18:17

My dad used to behave this way. Drove us as a family to fear him and dread him coming home as we had a great time when he was not there.
You need him to, as you say, "get it" before you forgive him and not just make the right noises either, he has to really understand what is and is not acceptable and promise to keep a lid on his anger or at least find a coping mechinism since it is obviously a factor in his daily life.

Good luck.

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twirlaround · 30/01/2006 18:26

Sometimes men are more agressive when they haven't had sex for a bit IME! Maybe having more sex would reduce his stress and solve the problem?

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pooka · 30/01/2006 18:30

twirlaround.
So she should "put out" more in order to stop her partner being verbally aggressive?

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twirlaround · 30/01/2006 18:32

clearly aggression like this is wrong and can't be excused - but I think my suggestion might be a practical way forward potentially

It doesn't mean I don't think he should apologise, either

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ggglimpopo · 30/01/2006 18:39

Message withdrawn

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pooka · 30/01/2006 18:43

I just think that if he is really sorry then he should be doing something to prevent it happening again (like anger management counselling for example since it seems to be more than a one-off).

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pooka · 30/01/2006 18:44

Sorry if I seemed a bit confrontational, Twirlaround. I suppose everyone's relationship is different and I just know that if dh was to be like this with me I wouldn't feel like sleeping with him TBD.

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pooka · 30/01/2006 18:45

To be honest, I mean

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mistressmiggins · 30/01/2006 19:54

I agree with Pooka

Im shocked at twirlaround

shimmy1 didnt mention anything about sex or lack of and you suggest having sex to calm him down

good message - shout at family - get sex to shut you up

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shimmy21 · 30/01/2006 21:35

Thanks for the replies -sorry I had to disappear. DH came home so I switched off. He has said he is 'thinking deeply' about what happened. Meanwhile I'm being frostily polite. And don't be too hard on Twirlaround. I enjoyed her reply but dh is going to have to work bloody hard at his abject apologies before I feel like looking at his face again -let alone his other bits.

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shimmy21 · 30/01/2006 21:35

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twirlaround · 31/01/2006 17:05

shimmy
I was trying to come at things from a different angle

I can understand that you wouldn't want to "reward" this behaviour!!!
But sometimes I think mens' aggressive behaviour is influenced by their hormones, a bit like us and PMT. So not an excuse, more a mitigating factor...but just a suggestion, after all for all I know, you guys are 3-times-a-nighters as it is

... on reflection I think I posted with insufficient explanation of what I was on about on my first post!