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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Someone help me?

44 replies

Rescuemerescueme · 05/03/2012 22:36

I have namechanged obviously, I am so ashamed of my behaviour and not sure where to go from here.

My Dh's nan has been staying for a week. Due to stay for another week. I originally agreed to her staying, despite having only met her briefly twice and despite knowing DH would be working as we have a young baby she has only seen once. Then DH found he would have to work away for at least several days of her stay. I was anxious about this as I am very sleep deprived and have an older child with SN. I also have a history of depression and although I don't think I have PND this time, I haven't been feeling great. I asked DH to ask her to consider cancelling as I felt it was too much for me to cope with ATM. He didn't want to. I kept asking him and he just said she was looking forward to coming.

She arrived last Tuesday. I felt very anxious about it the day before and the day of her arrival, DH was going away the morning after she got her for three days. He had also arranged a works night out for tonight, which I asked him several times to get out of and he laughed it off. She made it clear she wanted to help out. Lovely of her but my son is used to routine and doesn't cope well if it changes and I am used to doing things my own way. A couple of times I've popped upstairs to fold washing or something and asked if she would watch the baby to come back to find she'd sat the baby in her highchair with some food. Also, a couple of times when I asked her to watch her while I was cooking dinner or something she decided to get her to sleep and I felt awkward about saying something, but it then messed up the baby's sleeping patterns and caused over tiredness. She also, after the first few days took to saying to me 'you don't do that, you silly girl' and similar things.

I usually say what I think but I just didn't feel I should be as I didn't want to be rude. I did feel she was trying to help, but over stepping the boundaries. DH refused to say anything to her. Over the week I've felt gradually more anxious and after I collected my son from school today shut myself in the bedroom with the baby absolutely sobbing. I just didn't want to go downstairs and have to deal with her comments any more. DH came home and got really angry with me and then told me to 'get out of his house'. I took the children to a friends, but didn't have anything for them and couldn't stay there anyway and DS needs to go to school tomorrow. It basically culminated in me asking DH to take his Nan and stay elsewhere so I could bring the DC home, which he did. Understandably his Nan is upset and I feel absolutely awful now, but also like a huge weight has been lifted.

I am supposed to have a hospital appointment tomorrow as I have a breast lump that needs investigation but I don't feel I can go. DH has stopped me having access to the bank account, not sure how. He has text to say he'll take me to the hospital tomorrow so he can see DD but I don't want to see him ATM. He was really abusive to me before I left (I asked for him to be gone before I came back) and I thought he might hit me. He has been violent twice in the past, a lot of years ago and he has sought help for this, but when he gets angry I still worry he will hurt me again.

I'm in a state, I feel awful and I just don't know where to go from here. I have no money and will have to leave our home. (it's complicated, but I will have to leave) I don't know what to do next and I feel like a horrible person.

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Hassled · 05/03/2012 22:41

What have you got to be ashamed of? You've done nothing wrong. You don't sound to me like you're a horrible person. You've had a hell of a time of it.

Please call Women's Aid. 0808 2000 247

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WhereMyMilk · 05/03/2012 22:44

I'm so terribly sorry for you here.

You will be better off posting this in relationships.

Have you tried Women's aid?

:(

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faeriefruitcake · 05/03/2012 22:45

I don't think you behaved badly, you asked for help and support you were ignored.

You have small children, stay in the house and phone women's aid

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ilikecandyandrunning · 05/03/2012 22:46

Oh my God you poor poor lady. I really wish I had some useful advice - all I can say is you should NOT feel bad at all. He is being so awful to you. Why did she come stay with you in the first place? Do you have family you can talk to? Is the house in both your names? He can't leave you with nothing, why do you think that?

Can you post in legal too for some legal advice? This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all and I am so worried for you

Please keep talking on here and I hope some others can offer better advice x

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spatchcock · 05/03/2012 22:46

You're not a horrible person.

Can your friends help you? Any nearby relatives? And what the other posters said about Women's Aid. You need to look after yourself and your DCs.

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Rescuemerescueme · 05/03/2012 22:47

I'm crying again now. I don't know why anyone would be sorry fo rme. I've made my DH take his Grandmother to a hotel. She's in her eighties and her husband died last year. It's so awful of me and I don't feel like I deserve anyone's sympathy.

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ilikecandyandrunning · 05/03/2012 22:48

And I don't care how old his nan is, she was rude to you. Please take other advice on here and call women's aid. If things get desperate or you feel threatened by him, please call the police.

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ilikecandyandrunning · 05/03/2012 22:49

Why was she staying with you?
Where are your family?

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Birdsgottafly · 05/03/2012 22:51

You do need to have a chat with either your HV or GP,also, because it is possible that you are depressed.

Your DH hasn't been as supportive as he could have been. Your behaviour is understandable given your vulnerable state.

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GrahamTribe · 05/03/2012 22:52
  1. Believe us, You Are not in the wrong, he is.


  1. Call Women's Aid, for both practical and moral support.


  1. Go to that appointment tomorrow honey. You cant have a major health worry hanging over your head as well as all this. Call the hospital - mine has a childcare facility you can leave DC with while you're seeing the doctor and you don't need to book in advance, see if yours does too.


  1. See a solicitor (free half hour appointment, CAB or similar?) about the bank account.


  1. This is the time to turn to your friends and family, you'd be surprised at the number of women who sadly will know just what you're going through. Don't do this alone, you have nothing to be ashamed of, ask for help.
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M0naLisa · 05/03/2012 22:56

He hasnt supported you, he could ahve helped you when she was been nasty to you yet he refused to help/support you.

Hope you are ok? x

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MadameMessy · 05/03/2012 22:56

You need to call women's aid.
You need to go to have that lump in your breast checked.

They are must dos, and you can prioritize from then.
You have nothing to feel ashamed of, you have reached your limit, it happens to us all. You've looked for help, so first on the list is calling.

Sorry you're having this hard time. X

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Rescuemerescueme · 05/03/2012 22:56

I was expecting such a huge flaming and I can't understand why people are being so kind. I feel like I've done an awful thing.

My family live in another part of the UK. I lived away from them before I met my DH. His Nan is staying as she lives abroad. I have spoken to my Mum and told her I was going to take the DC to a hotel until DH's Nan has left. She told me that I should make them stay in a hotel and stay at the house with the DC. She's been very supportive, albeit by phone, but she's ill herself and I don't want to cause her to worry too much.

Generally my DH is lovely, the violence was two isolated and out of character incidents, close together, which he immediately sought help for. It was 6 years ago. He does lose his temper at times (as do I) but he's never been violent since. I am always afraid he will be though (not all the time, just when we argue) and I feel as though a part of the reason he wouldn't be violent is about the fact he doesn't want to be labelled a 'wife beater' as opposed to the fact he wouldn't want to hurt me. He says that's not true.

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skybluepearl · 05/03/2012 22:59

You have a young baby and a history of depression, your DH should have listened to you when you asked to cancel her visit especially as he was away alot. It was very selfish of him not to rearange Nan's visit for another time when he would be around. He put you in the awkward situation of entertaining a stranger for 3 or 4 days and expected you to shut up and put up. He is also abusive with money it seems. If it is a joint back account can you go to the bank with ID and get cash out. He probabaly has just cancelled your card by reporting it lost or something?

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Rescuemerescueme · 05/03/2012 23:00

Just to add, my DH doesn't really think his Nan has done anything wrong and that she is 'just a nice old lady'. He has very fond memories of her from his childhood, but he's had barely any contact with her since adulthood. She's lived abroad for a long time and they aren't really a close family. He cried when we left his Mum a few years ago as it was the first time she'd ever told him she loved him.

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PBandJSandwiches · 05/03/2012 23:00

((((Hugs)))) for you as it Sounds like you need it.

What rl support do you have in place?

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skybluepearl · 05/03/2012 23:02

I must also say that it is a bit odd that he has taken the Nans side and not yours - is he a mummys boys by any chance? Is he unable to stand up to his own family?

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Rindercella · 05/03/2012 23:02

Oh my. You poor, poor thing. This sounds a horrendous situation and I am not surprised you are in bits.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of your H's grandmother being there and however the two of you behaved, your H should not have demanded you leave 'his' house and absolutely no way should he have stopped access to your joint account.

Definitely call WA. Also see CAB as soon as you can. You are the main carer of two children and you need a home and access to the family money.

You need to keep your hospital appointment tomorrow. Hopefully it will come back with the all clear soon and it will give you one less thing to worry about.

You are not an awful person and you have nothing to be ashamed about. Your H has had a choice through all of this. He chose to ignore what you were telling him throughout the last few weeks now is both bullying and punishing you for daring to try to put an end to the nightmare you were living in your own home. I am also greatly worried that he has been violent towards you before and you felt physically threatened by him again today. Please, please look after yourself.

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skybluepearl · 05/03/2012 23:04

Did you tell him about the comments she made? What did he have to say? I imagine this is the last thing you need at the moment.

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Birdsgottafly · 05/03/2012 23:04

OP- tbh, his nan probably means no harm, given her age and the situation, it just hasn't been the best time to have her stay. Your DH should have been the one to recognise that. The pair of you have been put into an unfair situation.

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skybluepearl · 05/03/2012 23:05

Yes do go to the appointment tomorrow - do it just to be on the safe side.

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NunOnTheRun · 05/03/2012 23:05

Sad >hugs

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NunOnTheRun · 05/03/2012 23:09

..and I agree 100% with GrahamTribe's superb post. Thanks

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Rescuemerescueme · 05/03/2012 23:09

skybluepearl, he's not a 'mummys boy' as such, but he does seek his Mum's approval to what I would class as an abnormal level. This is not the first time his family have behaved badly towards me and he hasn't done anything about it. Oddly, he doesn't like confrontation.

Birds, I do agree his Nan probably meant no harm and that maybe her rudeness is a generational thing.

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Rescuemerescueme · 05/03/2012 23:12

I feel like I should have insisted more that she postponed her visit.

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