Is something going on?

[damnbloodyfacebook]

I feel stupid posting this thats why i have name changed, if you realise who i am please do not out me i feel stupid as it is. :(
DH is not normally a facebook user, he does have an account but rarely users it.
Lately he is on it alot.
Last time he was using facebook alot i found out he was planning an affair with an (now) ex friend of mine.
He hasnt changed in his ways that i can tell of, the one thing i have noticed is though he is liking alot of someones pictures/statuses/posts etc i have her on facebook as well as him having her on facebook too (obviously)
He used to have frequent encounters with this lass before he met me.
She posted a status on today about how bored she was and how she was going to spoon her friend and DH replied with
'ooh videos lol'

Now that could mean 'hmm yeah your fit and i deffinatley would fuck you again' or it could be jokey type. I know DH is a flirt and can joke in times like that but im just hoping that he isn't getting to that point of where he wants abit of excitement from someone else.

Please tell me i am being stupid and its nothing to worry about.
I am still jealous and bitter about the last problems with what happened with my ex mate. We no longer talk and i threatened him to the point he knew i was serious. I would have kicked him out and i would have put her in hospital. I was working all the hours god sends after suffering bad PND and id come home from working 10 hours and he'd be on the laptop, dishes in the sink and hardly any cleaning done because he was talking to her all day. Yes i do feel that he could do it again, but id like to hope not.

So please tell me i am being a stupid cow.

[RachyRach30]

No your not being stupid, from what you have said I think you have valid reason to feel worried about it.

[RachyRach30]

If he is rarely on Facebook but now suddenly on it all the time that suggests he might be up to his old tricks. I think your instinct with him keep posting on one particular girls wall is right and this possibly could be where the problem lies

[Hattytown]

I think you'd be stupid if you didn't think this was suspicious.

Your partner learnt absolutely nothing about boundaries the last time, did he?

So he still thinks it's okay to flirt and share sexual innuendoes with other women.

If you forgave his previous unacceptable behaviour without him making any changes, then this was bound to happen. And one day he will get lucky again and you won't be able to police it.

The point is you shouldn't have to police his behaviour. You should be able to trust him. You can't, because he has proved he is untrustworthy.

Removing your ex-friend from your life didn't solve the problem, because she wasn't the problem.

He is.

[fiventhree]

Agree with Hatty

[damnbloodyfacebook]

I'm going on a party in a couple week in fancy dress and he keeps making reference as if i'm going out on the pull. Which i'm not, i'm going out with family as its my cousins hen party.

Hes making out that i am going to knobbing someone whilst im out which im not. I said that if any blokes come up to me il be showing them my wedding ring and walking in the other direction. I know he doesnt want me to go but i am. Its not as if i am going out on some random night out, im going out with 2 aunties and 4 cousins, like im going to be snogging the face of strangers

In his behaviour/mood hes up beat, cuddling me all time (which can be normal) telling me im beautiful, so nothings changed really. Although whats annoying me is he isnt coming to bed till gone 4 every morning he says this is because he isnt tired. He currently not working. When i went to bed i saw on his phone that he was on youtube so not facebook. He uses his phone and iv got my laptop.

A while ago he did change his facebook password which i still dont have access to, i have access to his email but im sure he has a second email account as im sure i saw it once - which i knew he set up for job applications as his password adn email wouldnt work on job centre so set up a new one. I dont know if hes using that and if hes added that to facebook as a second one as his main one is still registered at facebook - plus no notifications come through to his main email. If that makes sense!

I think im going to have to do some more snooping.
His best friends GF has just dumped him for no reason and DH has been doing some snooping on her and has found something incriminating to why shes dumped BF and DH made reference to that saying 'if anyones cheating or trying then i would found out, i can find out anything' but the way he said it was as if he was trying to catch me out - which im not up to much. My internet consists of Mumsnet, Facebook(to talk to friends) and the newspapers.

I just dont know what to think no more. Im deffinatley going to keep an eye on his likes and comments on whos pages!!

[mummytime]

Okay if he is accusing you of infidelity, or hinting at it; it could be what Freud called "projection" that is seeing in others the things wrong in yourself. So yes you have big red flags here.
(Honestly does anyone stray from their partner when out with their Aunties??????)

[MadAboutHotChoc]

What Hattytown says - it looks like things were swept under the carpet and he is repeating his past behaviour (or possibly worse).

His suggestions that you are on the pull is a red flag because it sounds like he is projecting his feelings and thoughts onto you and its more likely that he is on the pull.

[perfumedlife]

You would have put a woman you know in hospital but only kick him out?

I think your priorities are skewed but carry on policing, sounds like a nice way to live.

[damnbloodyfacebook]

Exactly mummytime
I know when i come back from this hen party all im going to get is 'was there any fit blokes there, did anyone try it one' that sort of thing.
You know?
Now he may say it in a jokey type way to me, but itl hurt that hes actually saying those things.

I kinda think hes joking, iv told him to go to his mates that night im away or have his mate here, theres 2 spare beds upstairs because our kids are going away with grandparents for a week next week.

He made a reference last night about going to spearmint rhino??? Feck knows what that is!! But it must be some sort of lap dancing/strip club or something! Which i can tell you now if he does go there with his mate because iv gone to on a hen party then that would be it. I cant honestly believe he would think i would cheat/snog/shag someone when im out with my aunties and cousins and aunties and cousins mates!! i mean come on?!

[damnbloodyfacebook]

Perfumedlife
he knew i would do more than kick him out when a glass went flying past his head! So no not only would i have got her but him too, i tell you now if anything had have happened between friend adn DH then he would have known how painful castration without pain relief is

[cloudpuff]

You are right spearmint Rhino is a strip club.

[Bluebelle38]

I agree with the others... I think you have every right to be concerned here and no, you are far from silly.

Yes, the projection thing is very well known. If he has been misbehaving, he is likely to think that you are capable of the same (no mattter what the circumstances are. I mean, let's face it, he is flirting with women right under your nose on his computer).

A quick google showed up spearmint rhino is a chain of stripclubs.

To be honest, I dont think he has changed his ways at all. If I came home to a dirty kitchen knowing a partner had been sitting on his arse flirting with another woman all day, I'd be livid and would be telling him so.

He sounds incredibly juvenile. Next time he says anything about him cheating, why not mention projection and ask what he has to hide. If nothing else, it may shut him up.

[Bluebelle38]

sorry, anything about YOU cheating.

[solidgoldbrass]

This relationship is toxic and you have a very unhealthy attitude towards relationships in general. People who think it's OK to enforce fidelity by threats and violence get cheated on and dumped and it serves them right.
Split up with this man and sort yourself out. Unless you fancy spending time behind bars, which will happen if you 'put someone in hospital' for infidelity.

[BettyPerske]

Oh my God. What are you doing, guys? Facebook, snogging faces off, spooning and putting the other woman in hospital?

Can I just ask, are you really young? because this behaviour is all really immature.

Have you got any children together? If you haven't then thank your lucky stars and walk away from this dickhead of a husband.

It sounds as though he isn't ready by a long way to be married to anyone, I'm so sorry, you will have a much better chance of leading the sort of life you really want if you ditch him and move on.

Hope that doesn't sound too harsh but really, listen to yourself, is this how a grown up couple behaves?

[BettyPerske]

Oh by the way, he is a total twunt, he really is, from everything you have said.

You don't need someone like that in your life. And you have every reason to be suspicious, he's not even trying to hide it FFS - he has no respect for you or himself by the sound of it.

Please don't waste your life on this person. He doesn't deserve a wife.

[AnyFucker]

I was all set to try and give you a bit of advice

But then I read your posts and now I can't be arsed

You deserve each other < shrug >

[iCANdothisiCAN]

You know what's going on.

I say that with total confidence because I was you.

He's done it before he'll do it again, probably has several times. The.comment about being able to catch anyone out is very telling, it's because he knows all the tricks.

I stayed in denial for 4 years. It took me finding out he was doing it again, when ds was 4 months old, to see the light.

Since we separated I've found him checking my phone several times, turns out being a lying scumbag makes you really paranoid, who knew?!

op you have to make your own choices for your own reasons but please please be honest with yourself.

I don't know your motivation for posting and wouldn't be so arrogant as to guess. All I know is for me it was a combination of wanting to be told I wasn't unreasonable and stupid, that I was bloody well right it, he was a complete and utter bastard and I was better off without him. And wanting to be told that I most definitely was being unreasonable, that it was no big deal and everything would be ok.

Trust your own judgement, you know the truth and only you can decide what to do next.

[BettyPerske]

I was actually going to say what AF said but I was too scared of being horrible.

I just mean that if you stay together, you'll both stay in this juvenile, pathetic struggle for years whereas if you split up, at least you have got a chance to grow up yourself, and find a grown up partner one day, once you've understood how relationships ought to work.

Good luck whatever you do.

[damnbloodyfacebook]

I wouldnt really put someone in hospital im not that daft.
I havent spoken or seen her in 3 years now.

Yes we do have children, 2 in fact who are very loved and looked after thank you very much. I know i sounded young, i am im 26 as for the comments betty i was just giving information like people do on here.

[damnbloodyfacebook]

Apart from what i seem to think is going on our relationship is good, iv been in shit relationships where i have had to provide receipts to prove i put petrol in when i said i did, or not be able to read my text messages first and then have him relay them to me what was in them because he would delete them. Sit outside pubs i was in when out with friends after work with my money that had earnt because he would be waiting for me to pick me up. So i do know how relationships work thank you.

[solidgoldbrass]

Er, no you don't. Or you wouldn't be in yet another one poisoned by suspicion and dishonesty. Healthy couple-relationships DO NOT contain all this snooping, accusing, plate-throwing and anguish.

Bear in mind that you cannot control another person's behaviour. You can't make him stay faithful if he doesn't want to, and he clearly doesn't want to be faithful to you. In a healthy monogamous relationship both partners have chosen to be monogamous and trust the other partner to be so.

Get rid of him, sort yourself out. Or spend the rest of your life acting out episodes of Jeremy Kyle with this bloke and whoever comes after him.

[Hattytown]

Yes but that's a recognised pattern in women with an undeveloped relationships radar OP. You've been in relationships with horrible men before and you appear to have traded them in for yet another defective model.

So far you've told us that he had a thwarted affair with your friend, is a flirt and sends other women inappropriately sexual messages on facebook, doesn't work, snoops on his friend's exes, accuses you of non-existent cheating, stays up late (and presumably sleeps late despite you having DCs?) and threatens to go to lapdancing clubs where the punters feel entitled to buy women's sexuality.

It's a struggle to see how he is any different from your previous partners - in fact he sounds worse.

[iCANdothisiCAN]

OP your replies concern me.

If you do not want advice don't ask for it, simple as that.

You are not happy, otherwise you wouldn't have posted here. People are trying to help.

I'm afraid you're coming across as someone who enjoys the drama. I hope I'm wrong.

[damnbloodyfacebook]

iCANdothisiCAN
YY You're wrong



Thank you to the first few posters who gave me sound advice and didnt insult me.
Much appreciated.