I feel like the most lonely person on the planet

[goodtimesarecoming]

I am 34, two lovely boys and a partner of 4 years, but I have no friends.
I have never been a massively social person, but have had a few friends over the years.
In the last few months these have dwindled away, to the point of if I text or try to arrange any meet ups, people just blank me.
I don't know what I have done, whether I am being paranoid or people just find me really annoying, but I spend most nights crying. I see all the people I used to socialise with doing nice things on facebook and no one ever calls or invites me anymore.
I have tried to take anti-depressants to cope, but I can't get through the first few weeks. The easter holidays are looming and I just can't bear the thought of 2 weeks alone, crying, feeling like I'm a crap mum.
What the hells wrong with me?

[BigGirlInASmallWorld]

You do not feel OK about you. You need to like your own company first. Sounds to me as if there are certain issues you could use a good therapist for. I'm the same and therapy does work in our situation. Maybe there are other factors involved, your marriage etc, for example.

Will DH be happy about you starting a social life?

I will try and PM you.

[goodtimesarecoming]

My DP has loads of friends, he wouldn't mind in the slightest if I went out more, I think he's be glad! I play a lot of sport, to take my mind off things and it does make me feel better. I think i am nice person, I am caring and I try to get involved in lots of things, but it's all getting too much. I don't want to be alive a lot of the time, I can't bear the thought of years and years of feeling like this.

[GinPalace]

It can happen that people drift apart especially if one has children and the other doesn't, its a game changer. If you didn't have a big gang to start with it could just be coincidence that distance has entered your relationships.

Keep chipping away, and make it easy for your friends to accept suggestions to get the ball rolling, it is hard to restart a thread sometimes.

Also use your easter hols to do some activities that will help you meet more new people, ideally with interests you have in common. You are far to young to call it quits but don't get down - take your problem and do stuff to reduce it.

You can do it! Good luck. :)

[goodtimesarecoming]

My friends all have children though, and one has moved less than a mile away, but I have seen her twice since the move. I've given up getting in contact as after about 5 refusals, then just being ignored it's detroyed my confidence.
I don't want to sound like a moaning idiot, it's like somethings happened and I dont know what. I can't think of a single person I would treat like this, and that includes people I don't even like.

[Yourefired]

I think a lot of people have felt like this at times. It's horrible, but normal. I would suggest that you imagine that you have just moved to a new city and that this is the first day there. What can you do to meet potential friends (and believe me this is a numbers game, the more you meet the more likely you meet a friend).

[BigGirlInASmallWorld]

Yourefired fantastic answer, if you do not mond me saying so.

[Dozer]

Sorry you're so low, hope you have support from your DP, doctor, family, the samaritans, please tell them how bad you feel.

Is the loneliness thing the main thing that's upsetting you? Know it can be awful, but things can change, it just needs a few friendly people, not even close friends, to make a difference.

For easter there might be lots of child-focused activities to go to with the DC, lots of trashy TV, some time with your DP maybe? Try not to focus on the expanse of time, break it down into chunks.

[Yourefired]

Sorry iPad fired before i'd finished...anyway. Plan what you can do, children are a good in with many groups so you're in a strong position there. Also, if you are comfortable with it, think about therapy. I get the vibe that you are a very nice, moral person who feels things strongly. These are all wonderful qualities, but they also leave you open to be dismissed. A good therapist will teach you how to recognise when this is happening and how to stop it. I suspect you are a lot younger than me from the age of your children. I remember feeling similar, and things change. You are not alone. You have a DH and children to love.

[goodtimesarecoming]

Thanks for the advice. My children are 11 and 7. I went back to university last year and get on well with everyone, but they're all 19/20! I feel lost and a bit out of place.
If one person were to text this week suggesting something inane I would be over the moon.
I think people find me irritating, but I don't know how to change. I like boring things like gardening, cycling etc, I've been to a few clubs/groups, but the people are much older and don't seem too friendly

[goodtimesarecoming]

Will def try to organise some stuff over easter, my older Ds entertains himself but could take the younger one out

[BigGirlInASmallWorld]

You do sound interesting to me, good

[BigGirlInASmallWorld]

How do I PM? , I haven't before, always a lurker for long time.

[hisgentletouch]

what about your dh friends? do you not go out together, and maybe his friends have partners you 'd get on with? it's strange that he is very sociable and yet can't help you a bit with this.

[ThePinkPussycat]

Are you still at university? Are there other mature students? They may well feel the same as you.

Out of pure nosiness what are you studying?

[ThePinkPussycat]

Click on 'message poster' BigGirl and all will become clear :)

[goodtimesarecoming]

I'm doing forensic biology. I do get on well with Dp's family and all his friends, but I feel like they're his friends and not mine IYSWIM. \i want to do stuff on my own like I used to.
There was a mature students group last year but it ceased this year.
Maybe this is a deep rooted problem, there's loads of positives in my life i should be happy really.

[BigGirlInASmallWorld]

Ohhh! Ta Pink

[yellowflowers]

You say people find you irritating. some random thoughts:

I'm just trying to think what I find irritating and what I find appealing when meeting new people (though my dd young so dunno what it will be like in future).

Are you too keen? That can be off-putting.

Am sure it's against the rules to mention the other place here, but netmums have local boards where you can make local friends.

Where are you based? Maybe some of us will know people there we could put you in touch with.

Is it possible it's not you who is the problem but your kids? Are either of them bullies?

Are you so very gorgeous they think you'll steal their DHs?

How about trying to befriend some non parents to give you confidence and stop loneliness. So can you do a befriending scheme - age concern do them for older people and some refugee groups do too for new arrivals.

Join the WI?

Hope you feel better soon. Xx

[yellowflowers]

Also where I live there's a gardening scheme so you can be paired with someone who has a garden but doesn't know what to do and help them out.

Also why don't you start the mature students club again. Make some posters saying it's for chat and support with people your own age and get people to email for details so you def know they are coming rather than you wait somewhere all alone

[happybubblebrain]

Hi, I know how you feel. There was a period in my life when I had no friends and I took it personally.

I think it's just the situation you are in, and that you aren't meeting people.

Could you be brave and just start talking to other mums when you are out and about with the kids? Do they go to any clubs or groups where you could meet other people? At school maybe? You can also make friends online quite easily. It is a case of just being brave for the minute it takes to ask someone if they want to get together and meet up for a coffee, and then hoping that leads to a friendship. Maybe do that with a few people until you meet someone you really like. If someone says no do not take it personally. It's a question of confidence, and if you haven't got it, then fake it for a bit.

[hisgentletouch]

on the lines of yellow's post - could be the case that you talk too much at people? it's a good tip to listen and ask thoughtful questions not just do boring small talk if you want to endear people. It does take patience and time but can be worth it.

[goodtimesarecoming]

Thanks for all the tips, I probably am a bit keen sometimes that could be it. I used to be a really out-going social person, this as all crept up on me a bit.
My children are def not bullies, they are lucky and have lots of friends.
I've thought about the mature students club, just wish when you're a bit down it' hard to get motivated.

Tomorrows a new day, I feel more positive with all this encouragement though!

[springydaffs]

Feeling the way you do can be self-fulfilling I've found. But I do know how you feel!

I'd second that it may be helpful to have some therapy - also CBT, which can help you challenge negative thoughts and get into a more positive frame of mind: churning this over and over in your mind is not going to be doing you any favours. Sounds like you are depressed - can you ask your GP if you can start on a lower dose of anti-d's? Or for your GP to see if there is any way s/he can support you during the bedding-in. I have found that St Johns Wort is also good for depression- you can buy it over the counter. Technically it is for 'mild' depression but the word 'mild' doesn't quite sum it up when you've got it eh? . Also, as it's a herb, check with doc that it doesn't clash with any other meds you may be taking. Kalms are excellent too for general anxiety.

Try not to obsess about this - I know it's hard when it's got a hold and you've been knocked back a few times. Can you get involved in something that doesn't focus on friendships eg working in some capacity alongside people where you're all doing the same thing? eg voluntary work can do wonders for your self-esteem = win/win.

One last thing: please don't tell yourself off and say you 'should' be happy. You aren't, so give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. It's a shit time for you right now but it will pass, so while you're waiting, be gentle with yourself eh?

[BigGirlInASmallWorld]

If you can, suggest going to the cinema in the daytime alone. Put on some good clothes after shower, etc Nail varnish - blue? :)

Start small about liking your own company first. Then in future during/after therapy you won't need others so much and they'll flock to you.

[takeitaway]

If you're feeling brave enough, try joining any random groups you have even the slightest interest in .... if you have a local Adult Education centre, that's a good place to start (though you may find the average age is at the opposite end of the spectrum to the 19/20 year olds you're with at University!). If you don't want to commit to a whole term, there are often Saturday schools with taster sessions in photography, say, or languages, or even belly dancing! The important thing is to just try to get stuck in - in a room of 20 people, there maybe just one who is on your wavelength, so keep your eyes open for that person and keep an open mind. The more things you join, the more chances you will have to meet people who might eventually develop into real friends.

The other thing is, try not to get too hung up on how much fun everyone else is supposedly having. I personally think Facebook is the work of the devil, but try to get it in perspective. Most people aren't going to post that they're bored and lonely and having a crap life, so accept that there's maybe a little bit of embellishment/showing off going on. And then step away from the laptop and concentrate on your own life. It's a beautiful new day out there, every day.