Just want my sister to stay out of my life!

[tiredandfrazzled]

Just need to vent a bit really. I have 4 sisters and 1 brother. We?re a mixed bag, really, lots of parental issues. They all live in Australia, I?m the only one who lives in the UK.

I get along very well with 1 sister, talk on the phone a lot and share lots of things with. Get along pretty well with my brother, talk occasionally, always there for each other if needed. 1 sister is an alcoholic with lots of issues. Eldest is a bossy boots who thinks everyone should do exactly as she says, she is getting better but I?m in the habit of ignoring her now and don?t see her often enough for the dynamic to change properly. Talk occasionally, friendly when we do.

Last sister ? complete and utter bitch in my opinion. She detests my DH, has tried to break up our marriage, accused him of having an affair (I believe at the time SHE was having an affair ? at least according to the man who was a business colleague of DH's who she had become ?very close to? at the time and I think she made the accusations to make sure we didn?t say anything about HER behaviour). She also tried to destroy his business and I went many years with not even speaking to her.

For the sake of the rest of my family I am now politely civil to her when we are in each other?s company, which is very rarely ? every 3 or so years, for a lunch or a dinner. Pretty much the last conversation we had she felt she needed to tell me that I was an arrogant show off and I needed to stop bragging and big noting myself. When I queried her on what it was I had ?bragged? about the only 2 examples she could come up with was the car I owned and the Uni I had attended here in the UK. At the time I had a jag and said as much when one of my nieces (her daughter) asked what sort of car I had. The Uni example was due to a conversation with a nephew (son of the nice sister) about his choice of universities. He wanted to choose an interstate university and when I asked why, he said because of its good reputation. I pointed out to him that the reputation of the university was important, but what was more important was the reputation of the school/faculty he wanted to study in, and gave him the example of my uni, which had an ok reputation, but that my school had a brilliant reputation and I felt that was more important. She couldn?t give me any other examples, and I told her she could think what she liked and I didn?t really give a damn.

Of course she said all this in private where no one else could hear. She doesn?t actually want OTHERS to think of her as a bitch! (Although my brother doesn?t have any time for her at all, because although he won?t use the words ? doesn?t swear ?he agrees with me on what she is!)

Now out of the blue her daughter has sent an invite to her (my Sister?s) anniversary party which is 2 weeks away ? we only just received it, no mention has ever been made of it by anyone so clearly there was never any intention of us ever actually going on their part, and I?m pretty sure she knows I would never have had any intention of going. She scrawled on a note which was included in the envelope that she is going to be in London for a 2 week holiday and it would be great to catch up if I have the time. I?m just so wound up over this, she has planned this trip for months, she has my bloody email address, she could have emailed me if she wanted to. All she cares about is that she is now able to tell the family that she did contact me about catching up so that if I don?t make the effort it is all my fault. Chatting to the sister I do like I made the mistake of mentioning it and she?s all ?oh you need to see her, you need to invite her over, etc, etc?. When I asked why I should, especially given the last thing she had said to me she said ?you need to make peace with her, you?re sisters. You need to get along. It really hurts me to have 2 sisters who don?t get along?.

Phfft, to that, just because she?s my sister does NOT mean I have to get along with her. I pointed out that us not getting along has absolutely nothing to do with her and has no bearing on what she is like as a person, but she really tried to make me feel guilty about it. Instead I just feel angry. I don?t particularly care what others think, I don?t want to see her. She doesn?t want to see me, the note was just a charade for other people. I just want her to fuck off out of my life really.

[squeakytoy]

honestly answer.. I think you both sound bloody childish. I am basing that on the comments you have made about your other siblings too, and I can understand what your "nice" sister is saying.

[tiredandfrazzled]

Comments about other siblings? I guess I said those things to show that yes, we are a bit of a dysfunctional family but do our best generally to get along, but I do have an alcoholic sister - nice sister, brother and I are the only ones trying to help her, but I can't do all that much from the other side of the world bar continueing to talk to her. Other 2 sisters just ignore her even though they live in the same country. Eldest sister acts like the matriach of the family and spent many years 'commanding' everyone to do things - partially understandable because my mother has a long term illness and worked full time so she was responsible for a lot of things. But due to large age gap between her and myself she had left home by the time I was 7 (only ever saw her every few months), yet still tried to boss me around as though she was my mother - much to our mother's and my annoyance.

Bitch of a sister gave me a lecture when I told family I was getting married (over 20 years ago) because she thought I was too young to get married - even though she had been younger and everyone told her to keep out of it. She hasn't dropped her objections since then. I spent about 5 years trying to make things work and playing happy families, then had a year of outright war instigated by her. All the family bar eldest sister thought she was way out of line (eldest was living abroad so didn't really know what was happening), but our family doesn't 'do' apologies (a complete other topic, that one!) - they just sweep things under the carpet and pretend things didn't happen. So after a few years they wanted it all forgotten and to pretend it didn't happen. I tried to be civil, but just got more bitchiness thrown at me by her when noone else was around.

For the last 10 years I've lived in the UK, so only see family when I go back to Australia, and this sister never made any effort to see me when I go back bar attending the big family occasions. She TOLD me my son would be a page boy at her daughter's wedding while we were all at our mother's house - I've made an effort with her daughters even if not with her and her daughter wanted him - even though the wedding was only in 6 months time and we were in Australia for a major family event already and there was no way we could have done 2 trips for 4 people in 1 year.

I live outside the M25 so not quite so simple as quickly catching up for a coffee, although I have always made the effort with any other family that have come through, I even accommodated her daughter while she was here on a holiday because I didn't think she should suffer because of her mother. I always do a family email to let the whole family know when I will be in Australia when I book the flights so they usually know a minimum of 6 months ahead so that we can plan things but she rarely chooses to join in. IMO she deliberately chose this off hand way of telling me that she was going to be in London in a month's time so that she could claim the higher moral ground ie Oh I wanted to catch up with TiredandFrazzled and contacted her but she didn't make the time to see me....

I'm happy with the distance from her, because all I get is bitchiness from her - but I'm tired of the pretense my family has that everything is just fine. Forget apologies, forget holding people accountable for their behaviour- which played a big part in why I moved so far away. I haven't always acted maturely or all that nice, but if I was in the wrong I always apologised - not only has she not EVER apologised, but she always heaps more of the crap onto me whenever she sees me but when others aren't around.

I guess this is drip feeding but my post was already long enough and if I included everything it would have been an essay.

I usually don't let it bother me, but with other crap in my life right now that is completely unrelated this just really, really got to me and I needed to vent. Guess I shouldn't have. Oh and I am a regular, but this isn't my regular name.

[diddl]

Well it sounds pretty much six of one half a dozen of the other to me tbh.

But hey-if you don´t get on, don´t bother you meet up?

[ifeelloved]

If this was an old friend, you wouldn't bother. Just cos she's your sister means nothing.

Don't bother with her, just ignore. She's only got the moral high ground if you engage with her.

Next time you're at a family do, if she starts just walk away from her. Ignore her, that's how we tell our children to deal with bullies!

[MeltedChocolate]

I think you're justified.

[tiredandfrazzled]

It's funny you mention bullying, ifeelloved - because my only other thread with this NC is a bullying thread about my son. I am hypersensitive to the issue, and I guess it's because of this background of mine.

I have a large extended family who all interact with each other constantly, and we weren't allowed to avoid anyone ever (small cultural/religous group, very intermarried, I married outside of it). I grew up with bullying cousins and had to continue seeing them until I was old enough to have nothing to do with them of my own accord.

[tiredandfrazzled]

Thanks, Melted