Social workers/anyone? Advice pls, my dad's dying and I don't know where he is or what to do.

[LosingMyDad]

I'm a regular who's name-changing for this in case I'm identified in RL by detail as I don't want the people concerned to read things I've written under my regular name, reasons for why will become clear below. I've posted in Chat in the hope of advice and it disappearing but got no response so have reposted here instead.

I may ramble, I'm sorry if I do, I'm in a bit of a state. I'll try not to drip feed but don't want to bore with detail either. Sorry this is so long.

My father is dying and I don't know where he is.

I haven't seen him in over 3 years following a huge family bust-up when another family member accused me of an act of disloyalty to her (although nothing was further from the case, BTW). The situation was a huge and complex one, this family member has MH issues and I had been supporting her 24/7, she was virtually living with me. Following the row she and I
became beyond any reconcilliation. My father decided to believe her version of events without even asking for/waiting to hear mine and wrote me a couple of pretty arsey letters. I was incredibly hurt and angry. Then his (third) wife stepped in with a heap of abuse and I knew from experience that to argue would only result in the row dragging on and on, my dad getting grief at home and rows there would lead to her throwing him out (again) which, as a man who was then in his late 60s and in ill health, was the last thing I wanted to happen to him.

My stepmother is, hand on heart, the most toxic, manipulative person I have ever met in my life. The backstory includes for years refusing to let my dad visit or have to stay his children from his second marriage on threat of throwing him out of "her" house because, in her own words, she viewed their unit - her, him, her DC from a previous marrriage and later when they had grown up and left home the child she and dad had together - as his family and his as the past. They were kids, they had done nothing wrong beyond one being a bit challenging owing to SN. She's intensely jealous and controlling, wouldn't let dad go out with friends, had him raise her (not his by birth but his in his eyes all the same IYSWIM) DC as a SAHD but wouldn't let him issue any discipline then blamed him when one of them went badly off the rails, cut him off from most of his large number of siblings and would have stages where even a phone call to dad from me or any of my half-siblings or his own brothers and sisters would cause her to fly into a rage with threats of throwing him out or suicide. When the row occurred, rather than let it drag on and knowing that SM would make life hell for both dad and I, I decided to cut my losses and just ignored, ignored and felt I had no option but to walk away.

I wasn't brought up by my father but found him only as an adult. The behaviour of my SM made it difficult to see and keep in touch with him as she blew hot and cold, soliciting my advice as "you know what your dad is like, you're so similar" in times of marital discord but as soon as they rowed I would get it in the neck and contact cut by her but dad and I somehow managed to trundle along, often with him calling me (I felt like the OW, not his daughter!) when she was out so it didn't cause WW3 and we got on well for many years until this fall out 3 years ago.

I learned today from a teenaged member of the family who has only themself recently had contact with them that my dad and SM split up about a year ago. He has had a life-limiting, incurable illness for several years and (I think at the point of the marital breakdown a year ago though I'm not sure) entered a care home. He is dying. He and my SM are according to this teenager "still friends", ironic because their relationship has been awful, tempestuous on both sides for over 30 years. Petty detail but this is colouring how I feel so I need to say it, I feel that my predictions have come true, that SM has had what she wanted from my dad and now he's ill he's been shunted off. SM is several years younger than dad, he raised her DC as a SAHD when she followed her hobby-come-potential career, moved at her demand every couple of years or so on threat of otherwise losing his home and the child born to both of them, built extensions all on his own, built entire new kitchens from scratch and knocked down walls upon almost every move, all despite being in severe ill health with the current illness (which was made worse by the DIY) and having had 2 heart attacks. His view wwas that he was too old to argue and to walk away and start again and that she'd never let him see their child again if he did. I think that guilt played a part too, he'd messed up 2 marriages already and not seen the DC from them grow up and didn't want that for their child too.

Now I don't know what to do.

I only know what county he's in. The teenage relative who told me knows no more and I can't involve them anyway, it's not fair. My gut reaction is to find him, risk being told to eff off, quite possible if dad is vulnerable and emotionally reliant on SM and the relative who was at the crux of the fall-out (this relative is SMs one and not blood to me) and I know that this relative has a lot of contact with dad and would have been involved in discussions with him wrt the care home placement and that both she and SM will try to stop any contact and guilt trip/manipulate my dad. In her defence this woman cares very much for him and he her but she will let her hatred of me influence her words and actions and I don't want to cause misery for my dad. This woman created hell for me with false accusations to the tax office, cyber stalking and all sorts after the row too and I can see that all starting up again if she were to know I'd contacted or tried to contact dad and I don't know how I will cope with that all over again. I know I sound like an utter bitch and that there are two sides to the story but I can only ask you to believe me that the extent of their behaviour has over the years been almost narcistic (sp?) where they are both desperate to cut dad off from anyone else.

My options are to let sleeping dogs lie and just accept the inevitable, to ask one of my cousins, who I have only met a couple of times in my life (though on the plus side she can't abide SM either) to find out where dad is and perhaps ask her to make contact with him and ask him if he would be willing to hear from me or, and I don't know if this can be done, to contact the county's SS department and ask them to forward a letter in an unsealed envelope so they can check it out first.

I'm nearly 100% sure that the child SS office will have details as they have been involved with dad and SM owing to health issues with their child. I would rather not put my cousin on the spot/in the middle and if feel that if I am going to make contact I need to go it alone but I don't know if SS would even consider passing a letter on.

I'm torn between wanting to say goodbye to the father I never really knew that well and make my peace and not cause him distress and, I realise now I'm writing this down, not bringing upon myself the heartache of a situation whereby I attempt to make contact and am rebuffed (be it because dad, a stubborn bugger like me and a highly intelligent man) and as a ,consequence I will have to live with that. That's selfish, I know, but the pain that the row and estrangement caused in the first place was hard enough to bear and I dont know if I can take a re-opening of the wounds and finding that I'd made it worse than our current estrangement is.

i'd appreciate anyone's thoughts or advice if you've got this far and the professional opinion of whether my idea of sending a letter to be passed on by SS would be entertained by them if there are any SW's reading this.

Thanks for bearing with me. Please forgive me if I don't return to reply immediately. I'll do my best but feel the need now I've written it down (and the reason why it's here and not in relationships is so it disappears after 90 days) to go get a glass of wine, have a wee (!!) and reflect on what I've written because normally I'm so sure of my actions and the way forward but at the moment, after the news about dad today, I'm a bit shellshocked.

[LosingMyDad]

And oh shit, I've just a moment ago received an email from a book website telling me that they've finally got in stock the book on my family's history which I'd been searching for for ages. I have a copy of my own but put a request in to find another thinking that if it ever came up I'd send it to my dad, not knowing then that he wasn't in his home of course and not really expecting another copy to ever appear. What a time for one to come up, it almost seems like a bloody omen.

[MsF1t]

Not a social worker, not sure what to advise either- but surely contacting various other relatives to see if they have any more info might be worth a go (his siblings?).

Or calling all the care homes near the last place he lived.

Sorry, that's all I have- hopefully someone with some more experience and knowledge will come along, but I really do sympathise. Really hope you get to see him and make peace. (Don't leave it- what's the worst that could happen? Even if he's shitty with you, you'll know you've done your best.)

[lisad123]

Really can't see how SS could help. They can't tell you if they have any child on books ect so can't pass on letter (plus they hav enough to do).
I think your going to have to contact family, take the high ground and be as polite as possible and ask where he is.
If that fails call the old people's homes local to them. Hth