If you do the cooking, what happens after an argument?

[bbface]

Hardly the most interesting thread to hit MN, but I am curious.

I do all the cooking, and for the massive majority of time I have no problem with that. When I do get grumpy about it, DH says don't bother cooking let's get take out. So no problem on that score.

The issue is that after an argument the very last thing I want to do is cook for him, yet I get the strong feeling he expects me too and the very fact I do not tends exacerbate the argument and prolong it.

Tonight for instance, we have had an argument. I have heated up some soup for myself and settled down in front of the TV. On this occasion I did ask if he wanted any soup, to which he said no (I would never serve up soup usually for dinner and he doesn't really like soup), but in the past when we have argued I have not asked him.

Anyway, DH is obv starving and the tension in the house is palpable, but to be brutally honest it is quite nice to just sort myself out! I do feel guilty as I don't like him hungry and he is bloody hopeless in the kitcehn so what will happen is that he will have cereal in a couple of hours time when ihe is famished. My point is when you have an argument with someone it feels extremely strange to then get the apron on and start cooking for them.

What do others do?

[ImperialBlether]

Oh god, I couldn't even bear to see my ex husband eat when we had rows. I think it was because the food was keeping him alive.

Sorry, I'm no use at all!

[bbface]

I really chuckled at that IB!

[ImperialBlether]

Sorry, will take it more seriously.

Do you both work full time? Does he do other things whilst you cook?

How come he can't cook? Is it more a case of won't cook?

How does he have so little pride? In his place I would've cooked myself a roast dinner!

[kodachrome]

I can't answer this as it seems so odd to me to have a bloke who thinks himself incapable in the kitchen and to have household jobs that he never does.

[JaneMare]

you offered him the same as you were having - he refused.

i don't understand why you say 'he's obviously starving', is he totally incapable then?

[ArtVandelay]

I cook. The way I see it is that we all still need feeding. I'm a SAHM so I think that thats one of my jobs in the team and I would be devastated if DH decided he wasn't going to pay half the electric bill just because we'd fallen out. How bad are the arguments?

DH always thanks me for cooking when we've been yelling because he sees it as a step back to agreement and team work. Hope I don't sound like a surrendered wife, I don't feel like one.

You still have to be kind to each other - unless he's spent all the money or kissed another woman or something!

[ArtVandelay]

Mind, my DH would have taken the soup - he's not fussy :)

[Selky]

Any time we argue, my appetite vanishes. So if he was waiting for me to cook he will have a long wait.

[CharminglyOdd]

We both do equal amounts of cooking, depending on who feels like it at the time and we always eat together. When we fight we tend to get our own meals and eat separately until one of us cracks and offers the other tea/pudding. I would not cook for him if I was still angry.

[bbface]

He works fulll time in a senior position which does preoccupy him. I am a SAHM.

Oh he does stuff around the house, as very house pride, does the ironging and is and very hands on dad.

It is just that cooking holds zero interest to him and, like a few men I know (my DB for one) will go without rather than prepare something himself, then clean up etc etc.

Pls do not let this become a thread about the uselessness of my DH. He is not useless! He just doesn't know his arse from his elbow in the kitchen. Like I am with an iron, I don't do it because I am crap at it and despise it

[LisaD1]

We both cook, me more than DH but mainly because I work part time and he works full time so I am generally in the kitchen first.

If we have an argument we still cook for each other, BUT our arguments are generally minor and over with very quickly.

My Ex H on the other hand could have starved to death and I wouldn't have felt an ounce of guilt!

[bbface]

Art... similar position to me. You have given me food for thought... cheers

[AKissIsNotAContract]

DP does 90% of the cooking in our house. If I found myself in the situation you describe in your OP I'd either cook something or order a take away. I don't expect him to cook, he just usually does. I know it's really boring but we don't argue so I can't relate to that.

What will you do if he gets a tasty curry delivered just for himself?

[Hassled]

I cook regardless, and serve it up with a side helping of either Simmering Resentment or Abject Fury. Then we sit down to eat and pretend everything's fine and dandy for the DCs while studiously not directing any conversation at each other. We've got it all down to a fine art.

[ImperialBlether]

How bad was the argument? Is it something you will be able to laugh about later?

[kodachrome]

Sorry, it's just so alien to me (my dh loves to cook).

Anyhooo, it does seem a tad petty not to cook cos you've had a row - but then again, if you're not feeling arsed to do more than heat up some soup, it seems a tad petty of him not to accept it graciously and choose to go hungry instead. I don't think you should have to make a big meal when you're feeling pissed off just because he's fussy.

[ArtVandelay]

Thanks for not jeering at me - was a bit worried I sounded like a doormat :) I'm really not! My DH can cook if he plans it in advance and it does sometimes annoy me that he can't just go with the flow and knock something up from a few tins, a carrot and and onion but then if I've got people coming round and I need a fancy desert or a fussy starter I know I can rely on him.

I think we often resort to the 'team' analogy because we are from different countries but we are in an alien country to both of us, so its us against the world a bit.

[JaneMare]

but ironing is not essential to life, whereas eating is.

if he's going to sulk and not eat whatever is offered (since he doesn't cook for himself) then tough.

he can surely make himself a buttie or swallow his pride and eat what you're having?

[rockinastocking]

Imperial Blether your first post is perhaps one of the funniest things I've ever read on MN.

Nothing helpful to add, sorry. Am flabbergasted that the bloke won't make himself a butty.

[ImperialBlether]

Thanks, rockinastocking; so sad that it's true!

[squeakytoy]

No matter how shit he is at cooking, he has to be capable of making himself a sandwich.

[pictish]

Quite frankly, any adult human being who is that useless in the kitchen, deserves to go hungry.
How pathetic.

[squeakytoy]

sorry, my pc was on a go slow a minute ago, so I couldnt type a proper answer...

I do all the cooking 99% of the time in this house, because I choose to, and because I enjoy doing it.

We dont often argue, but on the occasions that we do, there is no way I am going to stand in the kitchen and carefully prepare a nice meal, as the temptation to pour it over his head would be too great... and if it is me who is in the wrong in the argument, he would just let it sit and congeal... so we both sit there with rumbling stomachs.... (the dog gets fed.. we dont let him suffer for our bickering!)...

What usually happens is he buggers off to bed to watch telly, and I then raid the kitchen.... as I hate eating in front of him if he isnt eating anyway... (my little issue... ).. and he will eat like a horse the next evening for dinner to make up for his mini hunger strike...

On the odd times that I have stomped off to bed first, there is always a trail of crumbs leading to the sofa, and usually unwrapped cheese or ham in the fridge, so I know he is able to feed himself if starvation is setting in..

[rockinastocking]

Didn't mean to make light of it, Imperial Blether, by the way...

Just...it was the way you put it...

[justonemorethread]

Watching with interest as DH is currently fuming post argument and seething in the bedroom but I know he's hungry....

Not sure I'd be able to eat in front of him though, I'd probably starve myself rather than enter in the kitchen and get something.
Actually a bit peckish....

Ok, having written that I realise what utterly childish behaviour is going on in my house at the mo!