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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Completely confused!

12 replies

Mandapanda85 · 26/02/2012 00:16

Help!

Short version - been long day already!

Started seeing a guy I've known for a while about a month back, really into him - feels like I've known him forever.

I split with fiancé last year. He split with fiancée in jan. his ex has 2 little siblings who he's v attached to.

Things have been going great but he's feeling v guilty and feels like he's cheating although it's over with him and the ex. He ended it, and started seeing me very soon afterwards.

Am trying to be really supportive & understanding but am terrified this is going to hurt me - he doesn't seem to be the f*ed up kind of man I usually go for - quite lovely infact.

How do I deal with his guilt? Is there anything I can do? Makes me feel a little sad and like I'm doing him wrong!

OP posts:

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toptramp · 26/02/2012 00:26

If he's feeling guilty it sounds like he's still in love with his ex; I'm sorry. He is no longer with her so he should have no reason to feel guilty but in his mind he still is. Or something like that.

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toptramp · 26/02/2012 00:27

He might not be fucked up ; he might be lovely. BTW just because he's in love with her or has some attachment to her does not mena he can't love you to. As long as he dodn't hope to get her back.

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izzyizin · 26/02/2012 00:43

His ex has 2 little siblings who he's v attached to? Siblings? Do you mean dc?

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hisgentletouch · 26/02/2012 00:59

yes OP - you mean dc, brother and sister? does he keep seeing them?it all depends why they split up. Not a great situation for you.

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ivanapoo · 26/02/2012 03:40

You say you knew him for a while, and then got together v shortly after his split - are you sure there wasn't an overlap? Or were you/ was he thinking of or discussing getting together before his relationship was over?

I could see that leading to some feelings of guilt.

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Mandapanda85 · 26/02/2012 09:38

Hiya

Yep I mean the ex's siblings - she had a little bro and a little sis who have been through a rough time with their dad leaving.

There was a bit of an overlap where he was spending time with me - just as friends, before it ended with her. We were just hanging out a bit. Last night he found out she'd cheated on him while in the relationship.

Just not sure what to do right now - emotions take time to disappear I know, but I feel like I'm the reason he feels like this!

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Mandapanda85 · 26/02/2012 09:40

And re the siblings, it's not constant but the ex has used them against him asking him to go over because one of thems had a nightmare. I know he's a good man, wouldn't be going over to see her - just the kids

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feedbackforfree · 26/02/2012 09:44

Hi Manda,

All relationships that end have to be grieved for. This is why is not a good idea to leap from one, to another. We all need to resolve our feelings about the old before embracing a new life that may include someone else.

What can you do in this instance? Would suggest that you both pull back a bit (hopefully not too involved as it only started in January) and allow him time to get over his old life and then see if you both want to continue. There are no guarantees that this isn't a rebound relationship and that's a whole new topic, I'm afraid.

Hope it works out the way both of you need it to.

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Mandapanda85 · 26/02/2012 09:53

I think that's what I'm going to have to do - I had time to get over my past relationship - not a huge amount of time, but enough for me! He hasn't though, and I dont want this to be a rebound! We did talk for a long time about how we felt before it all started, the good thing is that we can actually talk to each other no matter how difficult the subject!

I guess all I can do is continue to be supportive, and see what happens! And if it all f**cks up, then I'll have to add that one to my things not to do list :-)

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Mandapanda85 · 27/02/2012 00:41

Ahh ok now I really need some support! He saw the ex tonight (I've told him I'm backing off to give him some space and I know they weren't alone together (I hope...). Am I doing the right thing here or do I fight for him? :(

I've told him to let me know when he wants to talk things over.... She's just posting on fb that she's with him (in his company, not a relationship) but she has no idea about me and him... Feel messed up, not heard from him since I said I'd give him space. What if he goes back to her? She's a cowbag and he deserves better :(

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izzyizin · 27/02/2012 00:46

Look at it this way - if he goes back to her, you deserve better and there's no point in you sticking around if he's going to be yo-yoing between the two of you.

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Mandapanda85 · 27/02/2012 00:50

Does anyone think this is OK? I know she had something to give to his mum who's visiting at the moment... Could it be innocent? He did say he would be seeing her / it would be awkward. Just not sure if past relationships are affecting my views!