How early should I tell dates I cut off my family?

[something2say]

Hiya, I chose to cut off my family some years back due to stately-homes-esque-isms. I was lucky enough to gain a surrogate family about 15 years ago and I am the only child of them!!! All my friends know and it doesn't really come up.

However, now I am dating and am probably about to go out with someone, or at least get chatting to someone, and I expect the light hearted question of 'So have you got brothers and sisters? Where are you from???' will be levied at soe stage and I shan't know what to say!!

What do you think? Thanks.

[MadameOvary]

"I have a lovely family. I am their only child" and go on to talk about them.

[something2say]

Really? But how will I then admit it was not true (even tho I get where you're coming from, and thanks, cos that is very astute x) - but what about when I go 'Err actually.....' and wheel out this smorgasbord of horror.........!!?

[crystalglasses]

Surely you wouldn't need to go into details. why not say that you come from Derbyshire or wherever but have lived in manchester (or wherever) for years and you have a brother and sister (or what ever) but have lost contact/ hardly ever see them and that you are far closer to to ... and consider them your surrogate family.

No need to go into the ins and outs of your past - nobody would want to hear about it on the first few dates anyway

[Slambang]

Say - ooh long story. I'll tell you one day over breakfast

[CuriousMama]

I agree with mentioning surrogate family. It's early days. You're not trotting up the aisle Although to be fair I'm a right gobshite, that Rules book is the opposite of me in dating. Been with lovely dp now for 4 years so must've done something right? We were open from day one though, but I think you just know when they're mature enough and you feel comfortable with them. Gut feeling I suppose?

[something2say]

Slambang, I'm trying to avoid all that sort of thing and do it right this time dammit!!!!

I don't think I could mention surrogate, its just too much detail in the one word... shite come up with something people! So far I like the whole 'pretending they are my proper family cos thats the way they have behaved all these years' best..

[MadameOvary]

Well it is true, really. You shouldn't have to explain yourself here. If you want to go into the history, just conclude with "...and that is why these people as my family."
or
"Well you know what they say...blood is thicker than water, and MUCH harder to clean up"
This has to be said with a confident smile though, as opposed to, say, a twitch!

[Slambang]

Then just - yes, they live in Blatown.

On first or second or third meeting when you chat about family all you need is the 'yes, 1 brother and 2 sisters' type answer.

What you really don't need is 'yes 1 brother but he lives in Mongolia so I don't know his address and 1 sister but actually she's my half sister because my dad met someone ....etc etc ' Get me drift?

[CuriousMama]

That's what I meant, if they ask about family just talk about your surrogate. Not that they are surrogate. Don't stress it.

[something2say]

Basically, dreading having to tell new people. I have a massive history. When it comes to talking about stuff you've done etc, its hard for it not to come up. I can deflect all I want but sooner or later I'll call the surrogates by their first names or something or say 'Oh my sister and I used to..' when I have said I'm their only child. I'll have to tell the truth, and gloss the bad bits for now.

[CuriousMama]

...at twitch @ MO

[PlumpDogPillionaire]

'sort of an adopted/surrogate family' is all you need to say.
Say as much as you feel comfortable saying at the time.
Some people have very straighforward family backgrounds, lots of people don't (Tolstoy, 'all happy families are alike...' or whatever?)
Whoever you're dating should be in touch enough to sense whether you want to keep talking and let you say as much as you want - and it's completely up to you if say you don't really want to talk much about family. If the date can't cope with it, or keeps presssing for more information, maybe that's a signal that they're not right for you.
And if you say 'pretending they're my real family', etc., then so what? That's hardly wild histrionics or completely taboo.
I hope you relax and enjoy your date and have a great time,

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Have same dilemma as you, OP. I would go with crystal's suggestion:

why not say that you come from Derbyshire or wherever but have lived in manchester (or wherever) for years and you have a brother and sister (or what ever) but have lost contact hardly ever see them and that you are far closer to to ... and consider them your surrogate family.

[TheCrunchUnderfoot]

Be honest, definitely. Don't make it a big bad secret - it's not!! Lots of people don't have contact with their families... more than you would think.

'Yes, my family live in x, I've got x brothers and sisters but we aren't in touch, haven't been for many years. As far as family go for me I suppose that's X and X - I've known them for over 15 years and we're pretty close, I see them regularly. They're my surrogate parents, basically! (Laugh). How about you?

That's all you need to say, and it's perfectly valid and not 'bad' at all.

If you stay together you can go into the gory details then!!