Totally stuck and it is all my fault

[donttellmeoff]

I am really really struggling at the moment, I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and worry. I am having therapy and I am on anti-depressants.

I cut myself fairly badly last Friday (cut a vein, had to be sewn up by a plastic surgeon). It was the first time I have cut myself in 4 years. I last cut myself for a period of 4 months shortly before we married. My DH is upset and angry and announced tonight that if I cut myself again he will leave me. I am so so upset, I just feel like I cannot guarantee I won't cut myself again. And what happened to in sickness and in health?

He will not accept that my self harm is part me being unwell mentally, he just says that it is a choice (which I know it is but it is not as simple as me thinking Oh I won't self harm and that's that.) I know that my self harm is at a dangerous level and I know that I am now at a stage where I am starting to put myself at risk with my cutting. I know he is scared and he doesn't want to deal with that and he wants me to stay safe.

I know all of that but I just want him to be there no matter what. I feel guilty all of the time for what I have done to him, I feel guilty all of the time for how much I have screwed my life up again and again and again.

I just feel like leaving right here right now and being done with it because if that is how he feels about me what is the point? I am so upset with all of this. I just feel totally stuck.

I am trying not to cut and I would rather not but ultimatums (which this is) only serve to make you feel worse.

Ugh

[olgaga]

OP I think you should see your GP asap. If you haven't cut yourself for 4 years, and have begun again, perhaps there are current issues putting pressure on you? Are they related to your relationship?

Perhaps your DH is just really worried about you and trying a "tough love" kind of response?

Do you have children together?

x

[kodachrome]

Perhaps you could try to help him understand self-harm better - there are sources like the Mind website you could try him with?

He's not handling this well, but he must be pretty frightened for you.

[donttellmeoff]

I have seen my GP - hence the therapy / anti=depressants.

I had a very difficult time at work which has ended with me leaving my job. Usually our relationship is very strong and secure.

No children.

[solidgoldbrass]

Hopefully the therapy and ADs will start working properly for you soon. There are also online support groups for self-harmers or indeed there may be a RL support group in your area.
Your DH may be being a bit harsh but he may also just be desperate to know what to do, it's difficult being the partner of someone with severe MH issues.

[Punkatheart]

Oh my poor darling. Your OH is just scared. It will be OK...as solid says, it will take time for the ADs to kick in.

Sending thoughts and hope for a brighter day tomorrow for you.

[donttellmeoff]

I have been on them for nearly 2 months now :( I am just such a huge failure. I have this amazing, amazing husband and I just fuck it all up.

[oikopolis]

I agree, your OH is scared witless. You can't really blame him for throwing around an ultimatum. He loves you and wants the best for you. It's extremely frightening to see someone you love harming themselves so badly.

Just wait it out, the ADs will kick in and things will improve.

Are you in a support group at all? They can help you hold yourself accountable when it comes to things like this. and also to feel less alone/more understood.

You say "if this is how he feels about me" that you just want to leave. But that doesn't make sense, because he's saying these things BECAUSE he loves you. He doesn't want you dead, so he's desperate to get you to stop. That means he loves you, not that he wants to throw you away.

I used to get upset with my DH for telling me off about sabotaging myself. One day he said to me "why do you think i tell you off because i hate you or think you're stupid? that's so unfair. i tell you off because i love you and i know you deserve better than the shitty deal you give yourself" that was very hard to hear because i didn't want to face just how much my own problems cut him to the core & made him feel helpless.

i think you may be angry with your OH because you don't want to face the consequences of frightening him - it's easier to be angry with him than to see your part in the situation. try to be gentle with him. this is hard for him too.

[oikopolis]

crossposted.

OP if your ADs haven't helped after 2 months, and you ended up self-harming after being on them for 2 months, you probably need to change medications. can you talk to your dr?

also in my post above ^ i think i sound harsh, i don't mean to, i just feel badly for both of you. you sound very sad.

[donttellmeoff]

I know he loves me, i just feel so low and sad and such a huge huge failure. I am guilty all of the time and I just feel like I have had enough of feeling shit and then he throws this out at me. I just want to disappear and not deal with this any more :( This is horrid and he has always been the constant, he is the best thing in my life and I feel so conflicted.

[something2say]

Donttellmeoff, I read in your words not that your husband has left you, but that you have left you. If that is so, can you remember when and why you might have left?

If you want your husband to stay, I would find someone and work it through with them, about yourself, and then your husband won't worry so much.

[olgaga]

You must definitely go back to your GP if your ADs haven't had any effect after 2 months, and you've cut yourself. Make an appointment in the morning.

You are ill, it is not your fault. Your DH response is probably a result of his fear for you, but he should try to be better informed and more understanding. Piling on the pressure is not going to help you.

[donttellmeoff]

I will go back to my GP, my DH has gone to bed and I just can't face him. I am unemployed at the moment and so at least I have tomorrow to be alone and calm down. I want to cut my leg but I am resisting.

I have gone to support groups in the past (I started self harming nearly 10 years ago) but they were not for me. I wish everyone would disappear because tbh I don't care about what happens to me but I care so much about hurting the people that love me and he loves me so so much. What a fucking middle class dilemma, to be loved so much you feel shit because you want to cut yourself. Ugh.

[Milkandlotsofwineplease]

donttellmeof First of all, you are NOT a failure, and you haven't fucked up your life. You are depressed, and in the grip of a terrible addiction (because that is what self harming is imo)

I self harmed from being 14 into my mid twenties. I honestly don't believe that people who haven't been through it can even begin to understand what an unbelievably difficult thing it is to give up. The compulsion is overwhelming, and paradoxically feels so fantastic. Then afterwards the guilt, and shame kicks in, and thus the cycle continues.

Whilst I can understand your husbands desperation, his threats to leave are not helpful, and he needs to understand that. Ultimatums do not work with people who self harm. They just increase your sense of guilt, and you end up wanting to self harm even more.

There are a few good books around about self harm that your DH could probably benefit from reading. He needs to understand that your self harm is a symptom of your depression. I really feel for you. I have been where you are now, feeling worthless, many many times. But you aren't worthless, you have people who love you, and want to help. You MUST go back to your GP asap, and tell them how you are feeling. Your AD's clearly aren't working properly.

What did you not like about the self help groups? I have never been to any myself, but I did join a few internet support forums, and found talking to others very helpful. Maybe you could look into that? Or you are very welcome to PM me anytime. I'm happy to help in any small way I can.

Sending you lot's of hugs, and well wishes. Please try and stay safe.

[donttellmeoff]

Thank you for your reply, you have summed up how I feel. I crave peace so much and self harm gives me that.

I have had support online previously.

I should go to bed but I can't face seeing him. Ugh.

[ChippingInNeedsCoffee]

Why don't you sleep on the settee if you really can't face going to bed - it's not going to help your state of mind if you are exhausted as well.

I am sure he is just very scared of losing you - maybe it's an attempt to make you 'wake up' to what you are doing?

I can see why he struggles with it. It must make him feel like a failure that he can't make you happy enough for you not to do this and if you are not someone who self harms it is really hard to understand it.

What counselling have you had?

Why not show your DH this thread? It may help him to understand how you feel?!

[donttellmeoff]

I have had three years of TA and I am having a mix of CBT and TA at the moment. I was on a waiting list for 'full' CBT but the CBT team won't see me though because I am too high risk for them now.

[ChippingInNeedsCoffee]

:( Too 'high risk' for CBT? That sounds odd.

Will you show your DH this thread?

Both you and I should go to sleep - this is a silly time of night to be up and posting on here. I will regret it tomorrow!

[tropamo]

I have drafted about four or five replies and cancelled them all! Will share the following thoughts:-

I am sorry that you feel so bad but, quite honestly, what good will self-harming do for you? I have a lot of experience in this area and you will end up with lots of scars which you may one day have to explain to future children.

Have lots of sympathy for your DH - sounds as if he is completely bewildered and at his wits' end, poor bloke!

Go back to your GP and maybe get some RL help. If you were my daughter, I would give you a huge embrace and ask you to stop hurting yourself! I do understand that it's all about control but you are damaging your relationship with the man you love. Really hope that you can find answers soon.

Best wishes

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

A question, OP: do you think you decided that group therapy "was not for you" precisely because you "don't care what happens" to you?

Asking for help, going to therapy, and doing things like seeing your GP for a change in ADs are all acts of self-love in and of themselves. The more you do little acts like these, the more the urge to self-harm will shrink.

You are a lovable, valuable, and unique person.

[donttellmeoff]

I spoke to my husband very very late last night and he explained that he is just so worried and scared for me, he said he would not leave me if I cut and that in fact he would never leave me.

I know that self harm is a negative behaviour, I have lots and lots of scars already so I suppose I don't care about the scars any more, once you are into the hundreds what difference does one more make.

The group stuff was not for me because I wasn't cutting for the same reasons, I had more insight, I had nothing in common with them, they were mostly younger than me and many had other social problems that I do not have so it was difficult to relate. I have always engaged well with services, although i won't see the crisis team.

I went to my GP who was as much use as a chocolate tea pot. He basically said he won't prescribe anything else because I am a high risk for OD (I have a history although I last ODed 4 years ago). He said just to keep going with the therapy.

I feel very sad and anxious today but I am trying to keep busy and focused. I am cross stitching a sampler for a friend and we have friends over tonight. I will do a crisis plan and a harm reduction plan next week with my therapist.

[Punkatheart]

That's good, dont. I think that concentrating on cross stitch is a brilliant idea. Keep posting my love.

[kodachrome]

Are there any groups for families/partners in similar situations? Perhaps your dh would benefit from some support himself?

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Glad to hear that you are seeing friends and keeping busy. Friends are such a good way to get out of our own heads. And you can be so proud of yourself for preparing a crisis plan, as that will reduce harm both to yourself and to your loved ones.

[donttellmeoff]

I think he would like support. He is quite a manly man (iykwim) and works in an all male office and he has blokey friends but nobody he could confide in. He has a brother he is close to but I don't know if he could speak to him about this.

I will maybe suggest he could go to his GP to ask for counselling.

The self harm services where I live have been hugely reduced and there are just not many services any more.

Thank you for your kindness. I know I sound very selfish and self involved. I really am not, it has just been a tough six months.

[olgaga]

I think you need to change your GP or at least get a second opinion. The risk of OD is no reason to withhold medication if it will help you. I've never heard of such a ridiculous response!