Best friend suffering domestic abuse-how can I help her?

[tangledupinblue2]

Her OH regularly belittles her in public and in private. Points at her, then says "You, we're leaving" is an example of how he has spoken to her. He sends texts demanding she get off the phone at work and call him (not for anything important). He's constantly checking up on her, has accused her again and again of flirting/having an affair with other men (she would never do either), swears at her and calls her a cunt etc when drunk, has pushed her around, threatens to split up with her if she doesn't "make " her DC (from a previous relationship) behave "better". He's smashed up her mobile, tells her she can't buy things for herself because they need the money for the house they have. I am so worried about her and her DC. I'm scared of him ffs.

I phoned her this am and suggested she look on the women's aid website as I said I have been really worried about her for a while (should mention that she was in an abusive relationship before, and I did the "leave the bastard" thing...she didn't for another year, and didn't speak to me for that year).

She said she knows all about women's aid, she advises her clients to contact them all the time, things are much better with her OH, he has never been physical with her ( I reminded her that she had told me that he had been "pushy and shovey" one night ). She said nothing then but it seems trying to deny his past behaviour happened, making out it's all rosy now, and accusing me of "attacking" her by saying that how he treats her is not normal or acceptable. I said I just wanted to see her happy, and loved, and treated with respect, and not belittled, and have watched her for years struggle to bring up her DC as a single parent, with 3 relationships all of which she has been treated very badly in. It's so upsetting..... but she's rewriting history now with this man, saying "he's changed, things are much better" and she's not going to "hold a grudge" against him for what he's done in the past. Her DC is now getting into all sorts of trouble in and out of school and "hates" (DCs words) her OH, as she says he's always "bossing my mum around".

I've just made things worse though. She said she couldn't cope with dealing with what I was saying and put the phone down.

I said today I was scared he woudl really hurt her one day, or worse. That was when she said I had no evidence for that as he'd never been physical (but as I said she's let it slip that he has)

Sorry this is so disjointed I have 3 small children and writing in a hurry.

Can anyone help? I feel so bad that I've made her feel worse when I wanted to help her. Awful

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

It's such a frustrating situation to be in, when you care so much and want to help.

The only thing you can do is be there for her when she is ready to leave, or if/when she turns to you for help or comfort.

If you have reason to suspect her child is being harmed in any way, though, call social services. (and he is clearly already being emotionally harmed)

[Lueji]

I agree with Hot.
She is clearly in denial and not ready to face that "she has failed again" (probably her feelings, now).

You can also report it if you have any evidence that she has been physically assaulted.

[lazarusb]

Can I also suggest keeping a log/diary of anything that concerns you, including what her dcs say.
It's valuable evidence if she decides she needs it one day. You don't need to tell her about it now, but it could come in very useful in the future.

And please...just be there for her. What I would have given for a friend like you.
(I ignored plenty of good advice for a long time too).

[tangledupinblue2]

Thank you hot lueji and lazarus

I should I think have realised from past experiences with her that by taking action like today, rather than sitting tight and saying nothing I would probably make things worse.... I just got beside myself with worry and fear and felt I owed it to her and her DC to say something, especially as I have heard so many positive things about Women's aid recently. I also looked on their website today at the "questions to ask if you're not sure whether you're being abused", and was so so shocked as her OH is guilty of so many of the things they speak of. It was like a massive alarm bell going off and I thought if she just read through them she couldn't fail to notice that something was horribly horribly wrong with her OH's behaviour.

What also really worries me is that she seems to now be buying into her OH's negative opinions about her DC. Rather than seeing or considering that the DC is reacting to the OH's behaviour, he seems to have convinced her (or she has convinced herself) that the DC is CAUSING the problems in their relationship. As I see it her DC is just another stick for her OH to beat her with. The DC sees him talking down to her mum all the time, and bossing her around, and has on several occasions seen him drunk and abusive, he had a fist fight recently with a "mate" in front of DC. He is always telling my friend to be harder on her DC, and DC tells me he allows his own DC (weekend contact DC) privileges that she is denied. My friend doesn't stand up for DC when this happens. If what DC says is true (and I have no reason to doubt her) this may well I worry scar the DC emotionally, and I can see how the DC has come not to respect her mum, and why she is getting into trouble, because she's fed up with seeing her mum let OH trample all over both of them. Because she's done this before in previous relationships and not got out when things were transparently abusive, I also feel very frustrated and unjustly a little bit angry with her for repeating the pattern and not seeming to learn anything from past relationships ( I haven't said this to her though) If it was just her I think I could justify her staying with him a bit more, but her DC is suffering and she can't or won't see that because the prospect of starting again and admitting that another relationship is no good is too much for her. She is so ground down. She has also agreed to go on holiday with OH and his mates, leaving DC behind, just after half term which she worked all through, just to please him. This has upset DC.

I think she won't call me now for a while, because I have expressed my concerns and she didn't want to hear it. I have like an idiot driven her towards him rather than helping her towards some sort of epiphany

I can't even email or text her (she will not answer phone to me) to say I'm there if she ever wants any support or help, as she has repeatedly forbidden me to ever do so in case he reads her emails/texts. I just worry that she will spend her whole life miserable, and her DC will be really damaged, and it makes me so sad

Sorry for the massive offload

[tangledupinblue2]

I will keep a log lazarus, thank you, if/when I hear anything from her or her DC from now on

[foolonthehill]

What a lovely friend you are.
You never know, perhaps what you said will bear fruit one day.
I hope for her DCs sake she see's this man for what he is, but you can't make her.
Do something nice for yourself OP. You deserve it

[DioneTheDiabolist]

OP my heart goes out to you. You clearly love your friend and it is hard to bite yer tongue when people you love are being hurt.

Firstly, you are not responsible for her DHs behavior. Not at all. Whatever he does, it is not your fault.

Secondly, when you get this friendship back on track, tread carefully. Do not give your opinion on her DHs behaviour. When you feel the desire to do so, don't. Instead ask her "and how do you feel/what do you think about that?". Ask it breezily, in a way that keeps your strong and justified feelings out of it and instead focuses her thoughts on what is going on. Where you feel you must give input, try to make it as neutral as possible: "have you thought about relate?" and empower her :"hmm sounds not great, what do you think you can do about it?"

Be there for her and give her your love and support, god knows she needs it. Good luck.

[lazarusb]

I am certain that what you said to your friend will be in her head. She is ground down and she may well not see this abuse for what it is. But there may well come a time when she will need your strength and support and you will be invaluable.
You haven't driven her closer to him - she is already enmeshed in her private prison. Don't blame yourself, or your friend, for any of this.

I sincerely hope she finds what she needs inside herself to get away from this poisonous man soon.

[tangledupinblue2]

Thank you foolonthehill, you were very kind in your post.

Dione, I will tread more carefully in future, thank you. I have been trying not to be judgemental etc but what you suggest I will keep in the forefront of my mind if/when his behaviour comes up when we talk. Very sound advice.

Thank you for your 2nd post lazarus, it's been so helpful to get some thoughtful perspective on this from you and others, outside of my own head.

My youngest is ill so am exhausted and half witted today, but plan to read and reread all of your posts again, and stay mindful of what you have said.

This is the first time I've posted in relationships and I feel a bit overwhelmed by how sensitive and kind the replies have been. Thanks all again

[Lueji]

I'm thinking that when/if she becomes close to you again, you could relay the information in an indirect way.

For example mention a friend or even a mn thread.
If she would come in here she might start thinking differently.

Or suggest counselling for her or even her DC.

Suggesting womens aid may convey the message that she is a victim, but in a bad way. She may well not be there yet.

[Smellslikecatspee]

I know exactly how you feel, and in fact recently started a thread about a very similar situation. Fortunately with my friend things haven?t gone as far and no DC thank God.

She cannot see in any way shape or form that her ?D?P is abusive and thinks that I am being a bit hysterical, which in its self is frustrating.

I spend time with her yesterday and she spent the majority of it trying to pick holes in my relationship [which like all has its ups and downs] it was if she was trying to say that OH being a lazy git at time when it comes to housework is on a par with her OH being a verbally abusive git.

I had to emotionally take a step back as I know if I try to discuss it again she will shut me out and come to the conclusion that I would rather be a ?bad? friend and turn a blind eye so that if things do get worse she will tell me/ I?ll see.

It?s shit isn?t it

[tangledupinblue2]

MN is a good idea Luegi, will suggest for another unrelated issue if/when one crops up and hope she sees Relationships or something similar which might trigger a different thought pattern about what's going on with her and OH. MN has certainly made me look at lots of things in a different/more in depth way.

It is completely rubbish smellslikecatspee, watching someone be pushed around
I hate that my friend has got into the habit of pacifying her OH and not answering back, as it's just not worth the effort to her. She said to me a while ago that if she picked him up on everything he said that was rude/unpleasant/demanding etc they would be arguing all the time, so she doesn't bother. They've just gone on holiday and I am worried about her particularly now as they always seem to fall out on hols...he drinks every day/night which makes his temper worse and being together 24/7 also triggers problem for them. She'll be a bit isolated where they are too if things get nasty.

I've shelved it a bit for now though as have DC2 medical issue that's come up, probably good to be distracted as the worrying is no use to anyone.

Have to say your screen name did cheer me up though smellslike!