Should i tell the new girlfriend about his past?

[Hidethewine]

Ok so im new to mumsnet so im not sure if im posting in the right place...

My EX and i seperated 5 years ago because he was violent and aggressive, he would smash up the house, kicked & hit our dogs and then finally progressed to pushing me down the stairs when my youngest was 8 weeks old and hitting & kicking me. At which point i left him and moved into a hostel with my children...i never pressed charges!
He then got himself a new girlfriend (almost immediately) they moved in together after a few weeks, she had a yound child too, and after a while i knew he was treating her the same. on one occassion he broke her arm & hit her head off the floor. Its also alledged that he hurt her son although nothing has been proven and SS didnt take it any further. They split up & she pressed charges, He was taken to court by her and given community service. that was about 18 months ago and i have now heard he has got a new girlfriend with a daughter the same age as ours.
Im really worried for the safety of this child. He doesnt have contact with ours very often and it has to be supervised.
In my opinion he will never change and his violent behaviour has just got worse over the years.
Should i find a way to warn this woman what she is getting herself and her child into or should i just forget about it?
I dont think i could forgive myself if something serious happened and id not said something.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

I'd tell her. I know it's probably wrong but I would. Just make sure you keep yourself safe while you do it. Maybe via a friend or something?

[WorraLiberty]

I would warn her although I'm sure she won't thank you for it now.

At least there's proof regarding his ex if he was given community service.

[IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll]

Forget about it, it's none of your business. Why do you still care so much what your ex does?

He has a right to a life if he has done the time for his crime, and presumably this woman is an adult that can make her own choices and her own risks.

What makes you think she would actually believe you anyway. She likes him, she doesn't know you. He will tell her that you are the crazy jealous ex and it will achieve nothing anyway.

[DinahMoHum]

i would say something

[squeakytoy]

I would contact SS where there is more chance of it remaining anonymous, and less chance of it coming back on you. But I agree, she ought to know.

[blahdiblahdiblah]

I wouldn't say anything if there was no child invlved, but if this woman has a daughter than I think you would be reasonable to do so.

[lisad123]

I would call SS. They will have on file that he has previous convictions and can atleast warn her. Unless you know someone that knows you both well you may have trouble getting her to believe you

[squeakytoy]

Iuse.. you have obviously never been the victim of domestic violence.. many of those women that have would have seen this warning as a blessing. Would you say the same if you knew someone was a convicted rapist too, or a paedophile?

[CakeMixture]

I would talk to her.

[RuleBritannia]

Join up with the recently Ex who took him to Court and jointly report him to SS with the safety of the incoming child in mind.

[CakeMixture]

Or contact SS so it can be anonymous - which is a much better idea!

[allthequeensmen]

"it's none of your business"

Actually if this new woman has a child its everybodies business to make sure this child is safe. Unless the bloke has had significant intervention around his offending behaviour (which is highly unlikely) there is no reason to believe he won't be abusive in this relationship also. OP I would inform the relevent SS department and let them approach the new partner.

[ENormaSnob]

I would contact ss.

[ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets]

I would do it, not because I care about what the ex is doing, but because I'd be concerned for the safety of a child, as most would be.

[lisad123]

DV is EVERYONE'S bussiness, hence the change to law that the police can charge and convict a. Person without the need for the victim to press charges.

Also op, it will help your case that ex is only allowed supervised contact.

[Agincourt]

If social services were involved with the previous child/girlfriend then they may well be following it up anyway? but you know, I have no problem with you calling them either.

[WorraLiberty]

Threads like this just drive home the importance of not jumping into relationship with someone you don't know much about when you have a child.

Yet so many people seem to do it.

I know people can act and put on a charming show and then show their true colours later....but still there seems to be a lot of it around.

[IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll]

I haven't been a victim no, but I do think that if he has already done the punishment he was given then he shouldn't be stalked by an ex who wants to mess up his life. The punishment sounds like it should have been harsher, but that was for a court to decide, and they did. If SS thought he was a threat to children, wouldn't he have some kind of restraining order at least?

OP can't follow his whole life waiting to see who he gets together with so that she can warn all of the women he ever gets involved with, and there is nothing to say that the new GF would believe her anyway. It could, if she is vulnerable, do the whole thing of making her feel like she is the one who will be different, shes the one who can 'fix' him, which could make it all worse.

[mummymccar]

If it was me I'd want to know one way or another.

[littlemisssarcastic]

I'd contact SS if you are concerned about the welfare and safety of the child, otherwise, I think it will probably be pointless trying to educate his new g/f on what a nasty piece of work he is.

New girlfriends rarely believe the ex when the ex is criticising her b/f.

Did you ever try to tell his first g/f after you what he was like?

[YNK]

I'm also in favour of a call to SS. You can ask to be kept anonymous but tell them of his past form and that his contact with his own children is supervised.

[Hidethewine]

After i left him i was told by another ex of his that he had been violent with her too.. but she hadnt wanted to tell me because she "didnt want to interfer" i wish she had as i could have saved myself a lot of heartache.

I loved this man and i kept on forgiving him and trying to make things work hoping he would change. BUT i dont care about him anymore i dont have any contact with him at all and like i said IF he see's my children its under supervision as i wouldnt trust him. He has seen them 3 times in the last 18 months. He doesnt support them financially.

I dont keep in contact with his recent EX i did for a while, after he broke her arm she came to me and asked if all my files & statements could be used in her case to which i agreed and the police said without this he probably would have got off.

I dont know this new girlfriend she lives hundreds of miles away from me. His sister told me about it when she visited the children last.

I know its none of my buisness essentially but how will i feel if i see on the news that he has seriuosly injured (or worse) her or her child knowing that i could have warned her?

[Icelollycraving]

Call ss anonymously,be sure you don't put yourself or child at risk though.

[OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere]

She needs to know.
The issue is how best to get the information to her.
In order to protect yourself and ensure there is most chance of her believing it.

Iuse I am utterly astounded at your attitude. This guy didnt get a few parking tickets - he has a history of DV and possible child abuse. Convictions like that are never 'spent'.
He is a danger to women and probably children too. How can it NOT be the op's business?

OP I think I would probably go via SS. If you contact her directly there is always the possibilty that he will do a number on her and convince her you are a mad, jealous ex.

BUT dont forget that HE is the one responsible if this woman gets hurt, not you.

There have been several cases lately where women have been murdered by their partners and the partners have considerable form. The poor parents of those women

I think you are a thoughtful and brave person to want to look out for future partners of your ex. Good for you.

[Hopstheduck]

There is absolutely no point in informing the gf.

My exh had a history of dv. He even let me read the divorce papers outlining exactly what he had done, all along telling me what a lying b*tch she was and I believed him. His ex wife had even called my mother to speak to her to try to warn me. My mother didn't bother telling me as she knew - I was naive and in love and would have continued to believe him over any evidence otherwise!

His next gf, after me, actually called me 6 months after I moved out of the area, sobbing down the phone over issues with him. I felt for her, but she'd also been told how he was the victim, of vicious lies and he would NEVER have done such awful things

So frankly, there is no point in speaking to her, but I agree, contact ss if you are concerend abotu the child. I'd maybe see if his other ex would corroborate with you on the concerns too, so that you don't just look like a vindictive ex! good luck.