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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

This guy is just after a shag isn't he?

56 replies

Quichy · 15/02/2012 17:46

So got talking to this guy online weeks back. He seemed nice, funny etc but would never initiate a "meet" of any kind. He did however become obsessed with the idea of coming to my house with wine and cooking which I felt totally innapropriate as a first date. So anyway I didn't agree to that. We chatted on facebook now and again and text but eventually it all dried up and I didn't hear from him for two weeks.
Anyway last saturday night he sent me another message on facebook and to cut long story short, said he was still really interested and just didn't push things as he got the impression that I wasnt interested. So we arranged to meet this saturday coming. He said it was completely up to me what we did so I suggested a few drinks and if all goes well, cinema to see a film we both wanted to see. He seemed ok with that, not overly excited but "ok". So we've sent the odd text/facebook message since but no full on conversations. Today he text me asking what I'm doing Friday night as he is housesitting for his sister and would like to cook me a meal. Again with the wine/cooking scenario!
It's really not a bright "first date" idea is it? what if we don't like each other!! plus he's willing to invite someone he doesn't even know to his sisters house? Worse case scenario, what if he attacks me??

Anyway I KNOW he is who he says he is. Trust me on that one.

But - this whole "cooking" thing - he's just after a shag isn't he?

OP posts:

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Wrongbow · 15/02/2012 17:50

Are you sure he's not married? - he could be scared of getting spotted if he meets you in public...

arghmyear · 15/02/2012 17:51

1st date = public place.

In his defence, he might just be a really good cook and might find this an easy way to socialise/get started with people. Although I still wouldn't go because of the risks.

JamRagRolyPoly · 15/02/2012 17:52

I wouldn't go to someone's house I don't know, he could be a rapist or anything. I know its unlikely but most guys would be fine to meet in a bar/restaurant. The fact that he's always trying to get you in a house, alone would worry me.

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 15/02/2012 17:52

Wrongbow has an excellent point. Also you are totally right to not want to let a stranger into your house. No way.
Mett up with him, listen to your instincts and don't be afraid to cut it short if you can blatantly see you're not interested.

Hairynigel · 15/02/2012 17:52

He might just like cooking, it could be his ideal date. I wouldn't go though if you're not comfortable with it

Marne · 15/02/2012 17:53

I would refuse to meat him on his own (not in a public place), he could be anyone, yes he could well be after a shag but then again he might not be. Also agree that he might be married.

Charbon · 15/02/2012 17:53

Attached to someone else and after a shag I'm afraid.

The reason he hasn't been pushing meeting up is because he wants you to take responsibility for what he wants to do, but he daren't risk being seen with you in public.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 15/02/2012 17:54

I won't no so if you don't want to don't. If you can't even agree on a first dare then it's not looking good really

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/02/2012 17:55

I agree he is probably married, or at least with someone else.

pollypb · 15/02/2012 17:57

Trust your instincts...always! The fact you have posted on here means you kind of know yourself this is strange, which is good, you just need it reaffirmed. You need to meet him in a public place a couple of times before even remotely thinking about going back to his or yours. When face to face you will be able to suss him out. If you then decide to meet him alone in private, at least tell someone the address and check in with them on the telephone during the evening even if by text. I'm sorry but you can't be too careful I work in the public sector in an environment where I hear about these blind dates turning into awful situations. Be careful about what you reveal about yourself on the first few meetings. If you don't meet any family and friends within a few weeks or go to his house, not his "sisters" then he's definitely married! :)

kodachrome · 15/02/2012 18:00

I think it'd be a bad idea. He might be a really nice guy, but he might not and it would be downright daft to meet up for the first time at a house alone.

Maybe he's attached and doesn't want to be seen in public.
Maybe he's skint or (much worse) cheap and afraid you'll expect him to pay.
Maybe he's hoping a meal at home is a quick way into your knickers.

Either way, he's a bit of a no-hoper and expecting you to put yourself in quite a dangerous situation all for the glory of meeting him.

Quichy · 15/02/2012 18:02

Yeah I mean it's so strange, he seems to be at his sisters ALOT. He posts on facebook about doing the school run etc with her kids. Don't get me wrong, close sibling relationships are cool but there are photos on him on holiday where he's taken his sister along. Just the two of them.
And why would he need to "House/dog sit" - what about his own house? Isn't that left stood empty whilst he's house-sitting his sister's house? It's all a bit strange.
One time I was talking to him on facebook and he just suddenly went offline. I then got a text apologising saying his sister had jumped on his laptop when he went to get a drink. Reminds me of an episode of friends!!

OP posts:

Quichy · 15/02/2012 18:03

And another thing, his sister is on his facebook page. She has the same last name as him - but is supposed to be married.

OP posts:

YankNCock · 15/02/2012 18:04

I think he must be a bit stupid to try to get someone he met online to meet not in a public place. Surely by now everyone doing this knows that feeling safe is the first priority?

kodachrome · 15/02/2012 18:05

Doesn't sound like a sister.

Wrongbow · 15/02/2012 18:05

Probably a stupid question but are you SURE she's his sister and not his wife?! Is she listed on FB as his sister?

Quichy · 15/02/2012 18:06

Just having a look now

OP posts:

QuintessentialyHollow · 15/02/2012 18:09

So he only wants to meet at yours, or at somebody elses house? Not in public, and not in his house?

ha ha ha. Good one.

Quichy · 15/02/2012 18:10

Adding to the conspiracy - his friends list is private so I can't see her on there but I did manage to find her through comments she's left on his wall. Went on her profile - TOTALLY private. Can't see a thing.

OP posts:

Livergirl1981 · 15/02/2012 18:12

Definitely sounds like the wife to me

Wrongbow · 15/02/2012 18:13

Does he refer to her as his sister when he's talking about doing the school run etc?

This would be hilarious, if it wasn't so awful for the poor (presumably unsuspecting) wife...

LeBOF · 15/02/2012 18:13

I was going to suggest googling his/her name and the town. You might see more evidence that they are actually married. But it's unnecessarily intrusive really: the fact that he is pressing for an inappropriate first date which doesn't respect your right to personal safety is enough to just drop him without further investigation.

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Gay40 · 15/02/2012 18:14

She's his wife.

Ephiny · 15/02/2012 18:21

This sounds like all kinds of wrong to me, sorry.

It's just common sense to meet in a public place for at least the first date, or until you get to know each other and feel comfortable - if he can't or won't accept that, and only offers you a situation you're not comfortable with then he's not worth bothering with.

And if he's not interested in conversations with you, or doing anything like going out on a date or to the cinema etc, and only contacts you when he sees an opportunity for sex (i.e. sister/wife away), then yes he is just after a shag.

Also, it really, really sounds like he's married.

Charbon · 15/02/2012 18:24

Could you try to 'friend' the wife sister and say it's very nice of her to offer her house, but you hope she understands that on a first date, you'd prefer to meet her brother in public, but thanks anyway and hope you get to meet her soon as you've heard so much about her?

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