Mumsnet Talk

Hi,
Ready for a bashing but some advice would be welcome.
DH and I have gone through some traumatic experiences in the last few months & both have been really depressed. I also suffer from anxiety.
Anyway, last week I went out with a few friends with the intention of lettinh my hair down a bit but it all went terribly wrong. I drank way too much & ended up pulling a guy I've known for a while (he and DH don't know each other). We didn't have sex.
Dh and I are so happy together, I think my anxiety coupled with the latest events and too much alcohol made me do something stupid & autodestructive.
I'm in pieces. Not sure if I should just try & leave the whole thing behind (obviously never do it again) or this kind of behaviour indicates a deeper problem & I should go back to counselling?
Thank you.

Hi Blackroses, try to see this in persective. You were drunk. Shouldn't have happened but sounds like you were probably just snogging? Forgive yourself (don't drink to such excess again if you can't trust yourself) and leave it in the haze. Personally, I don't think there is anything to be gained by coming clean and telling your husband you've just been a little foolish.

Quite honestly, if my husband had done that and was feeling terrible and would take steps to make sure it couldn't happen again, then I'd rather not know. IMHO it's better to keep the guilt to yourself and not spread the pain around.

I disagree, and think you do need to come clean. How would you feel if it was your DH who had done it. You say it is eating you up and that won't get any easier if you try and sweep it under the carpet , plus as time goes on it will be more difficult to say something. Deal with it now and move on

Thanks. I also feel that telling him would be unfair. It was my terrible mistake, no point in sharing the pain. We've just both been so depressed lately (late mc, deaths in family, work issues) in the last few months (not trying to justify myself though).
I feel like such a horrible person. Through all this drama, we always said 'at least we have each other'. I feel I tainted this. Which I have.

Sharkbite, it was a drunken snog (assume from original posting). I'm with Crushing here, it would cause me much pain to know so as long as it was a moment of silliness, I'd rather not know.

The "guilt" I believe that the OP is feeling is because this is totally out of character for her so no need to think about this in any more depth.

Let's try and help her see this in persepctive and get over it and let her continue to be happy with her H.

Thanks Sharkbite. I see what you mean butt everything else going on I feet it would be horrendous to add on to his unhappiness. Also terrified that he would leave. I am being selfish I know. But I don't want to lose my dh and destroy my life for a drunken mistake, however hideous it was.

feedback thanks so much, that's really touching. I would do anything to go back but can't. I

I am truly devastated, how can I transfer this onto him?

From your second post, you've been under a lot of pressure, you were decompressing after several awful events and alcholol can play terrible tricks with our judgement. Thats it; period. Finished.

If I could tell you some of the things I've done when drunk, it'd curl your hair. I'm probably quite a bit older than you and I can tell you, you've given yourself a shock. This will fade and will fade quickly once you put this into perspective.

You don't need to go back, Maja, just look forward.......

Thank you so much. In floods of tears now.

I have recently been on the receiving end of infidelity - Possibly somewhat more physical than this - just to put my comments in context.

My world has been ended. My faith in my H and my marriage and the future of my children is in turmoil. There is no part of my life that is not tainted or destroyed.

I daresay you prefer to hear fluffy sympathy, but

* if you gloss over this putting it 'in proportion', the guilt may spill out in some other way
*your H may find out in some other way and the betrayal is devastating

Frankly it is bloody awful and you cannot turn the clock back by pretending it did not happen. How you chose to handle it is obviously up to you.

Then let them flow, but only for a minute!!! If you're H wants to know what is wrong, just tell him it's a bad day, you're a bit hormonal and that you love him.

Then pull youself together and stop making this into a life changing event. It isn't.

Harsh words from me now but it is what I would be telling my own daughters'!

I agree with Feedback.

I assume it's just a snog then? Really, if DH came home and told me he'd got drunk and snogged someone and deeply regrets it, I'd be upset, I'd be bloody furious, but it wouldn't end our marriage.

I think if you can be certain your DH won't find out another way, don't tell him, however, you were drunk and out with other friends, are you sure none of them saw you? Drunk people tend not to be the best at realising what else is going on. If someone else told your DH he might think there's more to it as you'd kept it secret.

I have also just had confirmation of cheating H. My experience is my H felt terribly terribly guilty but it didn't stop him from repeating it. He suffered dreadfully from IBS, depression, anxiety and looking back now, I can see it was the guilt physically eating away at him.

However, he also turned nasty on me & made me think I was the one who didn't understand all his aches and pains.

For a snog, I would say put it behind you, make it up to your DH by showing him affection & just being extra nice (like you're trying to put things right even though he doesn't know what you've done wrong).

Good luck!

Oh my love. You're human, that's all. You made a mistake. You are none of the things you are thinking you are right now.

That said, I would come clean. For several reasons. If you suffer from anxiety, allowing this guilt to eat away at you will compound the issue. Taking proactive steps to confront what you did is the first step to putting it behind you. I don't believe that with depression and anxiety issues you can just forget about it on your own. Because you won't forgive yourself in this frame of mind and I suspect what you want is for your dh to forgive you. For you to be able to tell him and it not be hanging over you? You almost leave it unfinished by not admitting to it. The guilt is there, the worry, the tarnished friendship. You admit it and you draw a line under it. You also then deal with all the issues external to what you did like seeing this friend again. Because if dh finds out in a few months time and you've seen this friend again then he will be torn between believing it was a one off drunken snog and knowing that you've seen this person again since what happened and never quite knowing what happened each time.

And yes you should have more counselling. Not because of a drunken snog but because you are still unhappy.

Draw a line under it OP and move on.

And thats from another stbx wife of cheating husband. The difference between you and my cheating husband is that you had a taste of it and regret it, you didnt go looking for more on.

Case closed! Look after yourself and your relationship from now on x

Just forgive yourself.

Who said you had to be perfect all your life and never ever slip up?

It's not a year long torrid affair full of deceit- it's just a kiss or two. You need to get some perspective.

If there's even the slightest chance he could find out from someone else, then tell him, there is nothing worse than finding out from someone else.

It was a drunken snog (I presume) so if you do tell him, tell him that, not than you had an affair (it was not a prolonged emotional & sexual relationship with someone else!).

You know what an utterly stupid thing it was to do, but it's really not the end of the world. Learn from it and move on.