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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I did something bad but now I can't live with the consequences.

41 replies

PeepingTommeeTippee · 11/02/2012 23:07

I snooped on my DH's email. I know that is a big no-no, I have no reason or excuses, I am a just a nosey person. I saw something that I wish I hadn't seen. An email from an ex-gf who I have never met and who I thought he hadn't seen or been in contact with for 6 years. It spoke of being grateful that he'd been in touch and how much she had missed him. I don't mind that he is in contact with her, but want to know why he hasn't mentioned it. I am desperate to know more about why he has been in touch with her, but obviously if I mention it he will know that I have read this particular email. I can't stop thinking about it. What should I do?

OP posts:

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kodachrome · 11/02/2012 23:41

Are you sure that it's just nosiness on your part, or was there some reason you didn't fully trust him and started to snoop?

PeepingTommeeTippee · 11/02/2012 23:49

I trusted him 100%. I'm so nosey. I really wish I hadn't done it because now I don't trust him. I have tried subtle questioning but he still hasn't mentioned having established contacted with her.

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LeBOF · 11/02/2012 23:51

How did you snoop? Did you happen to see it open, or crack his password? Will it be possible to say that you happened upon it, and prompt him that way?

PeepingTommeeTippee · 12/02/2012 00:14

He knows I know his password but doesn't know that I would ever log in.

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PeepingTommeeTippee · 12/02/2012 00:18

He knows I know his password but doesn't know that I would ever log in.

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tallwivglasses · 12/02/2012 00:34

In for a penny, in for a pound...search her email address and see what comes up? Maybe it was a general, hi how are you doing? -type email. less dodgy but still a tad dodgy imo. Hope it's nowt to worry about.

BayPolar · 12/02/2012 04:34

What gets me is that these ex's respond! Knowing that the man is married now.

These women are as bad as the men who instigate renewed contact.

The Internet has a lot to answer for.
It's so useful, but it's also so destructive, re: making it so easy to send flirty emails.

I do hope this is innocent but I'd be concerned.

south345 · 12/02/2012 05:01

Did you look in the sent box to see if his email to her was there?

PeepingTommeeTippee · 12/02/2012 07:10

I did look in the sent items but frustratingly there is nothing there. I know if I confront him about this he is going to be so angry with me and lose trust in me for snooping. However, I am having those same feelings towards him right now.
Thank you for not judging me. I expected to be told it served me right for being nosey.

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south345 · 12/02/2012 08:19

That looks suspicious to me if the sent one has been deleted, was it definitely in response to one he sent? Dp has an ex and whenever I see her in town a few hours later she sends a message on facebook asking how he and the kids are (never me) and saying all the fancy hols etc she's been on and hoping they can meet up for a drink and catch up! Could she have just messages him?

corriefan · 12/02/2012 09:45

It could be that he just made friends with her on fb along with a message and she replied to that or something. I'm friends with most of my exes, had a phonecall with one the other day and another visited with his dd. I did tell dh but just as easily might not have done because it really isn't anything but friendships. Where's the rule that says contact with exes not allowed?

PeepingTommeeTippee · 12/02/2012 11:59

It's not the fact that she's an ex. It was the nature of what she had written. Wwyd? Shou ld I confront DH at the risk of causing a huge row, or keep silent and let this continue to bug me?

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ImperialBlether · 12/02/2012 13:01

No, in your position I wouldn't say another word, but I would check his email every now and again. And yes, that makes me sound bad, but I was fooled for a number of years by my ex and I would be damned if I'd let that happen again.

corriefan · 12/02/2012 13:02

I'd come clean. Say you were being nosy but now you can't stop thinking about what you saw. Sorry sheepish just want reassurance etc. If he flares up about privacy, I'd say you didn't think it was a huge issue for you that you were free to look at each other's stuff and he can look at yours- unless you've had that conversation and said it wd bs an intrusion etc.
It doesn't sound to me like anything's necessarily going on, he could have got in touch from elsewhere rather than deleted a previous message, did hers not have any previous messages on or anything? How are things between you both in general?
I would watch his reaction though!

Charbon · 12/02/2012 13:05

I'd doubt this was just nosiness. If you trusted your partner 100% and had never had cause to doubt him and his behaviour hadn't changed, unless you were a jealous, paranoid sort of person, I think there were reasons for you invading his privacy. Possibly in your sub-conscious and just a vague, nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right.

So this is what I would say when I confronted him. But I have to say I wouldn't even do that until I'd looked for some other evidence, especially on his phone. You're assuming this contact has been restricted to E mails, whereas I think there might be other contact on FB or other sites - and it's possible they are in phone contact.

corriefan · 12/02/2012 13:06

Oh 2 conflicting pieces of advice there! I have to admit I haven't experienced this before although I have snooped texts and it's what I'd do if I read anything!

PeepingTommeeTippee · 12/02/2012 13:09

Things haven't been that good recently and what she had written implied that he had turned to her for a shoulder to cry on. I've never met her. As far as I knew they had lost touch years before we met. This is so out of character for him.

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kodachrome · 12/02/2012 13:12

I agree with Imperial, although I'm not sure it's the most ethical course strictly speaking.

I would not confront him about it, because there really isn't enough here. I don't see how you can get any proper resolution on this little. It's not bad enough! Him having been in contact doesn't mean it was a flirty message he sent, she may just have responded that way. He's almost bound to say it was nothing, and you'll either believe him or you won't. And then he'd likely change his password.

Stay schtum and check again in a while and see if he responds and whether the contact continues or it was a one-off, her chancing her arm.

I have no confidence in people being able to tell when each other is lying successfully.

kodachrome · 12/02/2012 13:14

Ah x-posted. Then it wasn't just nosiness! More snooping, then.

Charbon · 12/02/2012 13:14

Using and ex as a 'shoulder to cry on' is worrying OP. This is often how affairs start. So there you have it. Things haven't been good recently, but do consider that one of the reasons for that is because he has been investing in a relationship that is in direct competition with yours.

cornflowers · 12/02/2012 13:18

I email an old ex every few months or so, sometimes less often. I do miss him sometimes, but I love my dh and have no intention of running off with the ex (or anyone else). The ex and I have a shared past and I see no reason why we shouldn't stay in touch. He is also married with dcs. Point being, I would be livid if dh snooped through my email and confronted me about this. Nor would I object (or expect to be notified) if dh was exchanging similar messages with an ex (eg on Facebook).

Charbon · 12/02/2012 13:20

If your correspondence isn't secret, cornflowers, I don't see that's a problem. Your DH is free to tell you if it's a problem for him. Same goes for his wife.

If it is secret, perhaps it's best to question why that is?

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PeepingTommeeTippee · 12/02/2012 13:59

Ok quick update. I confronted DH and as it turns out, he is innocent. Looks like she twisted what he had told her a bit and then a misunderstanding on my part. Phew what a relief! :o

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PeepingTommeeTippee · 12/02/2012 14:00

Thanks for all your supportive words

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Moodykat · 12/02/2012 14:03

Was he ok with what you did? Glad it was nothing suspicious.

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