Mumsnet Talk

I just need to know what all of you would do/feel in my situation!
Am in the process of splitting with husband of 20 years, decided in October to split & that he would leave after christmas. He`s still here!
He said there wasn`t anyone else, but I had my suspicians. Found out 2/3 days ago there is someone else!! Or rather was-she dumped him about a week & a half ago!! Been going on since last summer!!
Now, because he`s gutted, so upset about it-he really loves her, would be there in a flash if she were to ring him!!-he needs time to get his head right, he can`t sort anything out with the way he`s feeling at the moment, he`s asked to stay until Easter, which is what 2 months away??
I think he`s asking an awful lot of me, I just want to get my life sorted!! For me & my 2 DD`s!! He`s made me feel as though I was being unreasonable for not wanting him to stay that long! He says that because he paid the mortgage off about 4 years ago it`s the least I could do!!
Yes, I am grateful that we are mortgage free, but he`s also been unemployed for almost 5 years, which was why he paid it off in the first place out of his inheritance from his parents. He only got Jobseekers Allowance for the first 6 months.
He also has 1/2 share in another house with his sister, again part of his inheritance from his parents, so it`s not like he has nowhere to go!!
A I being unreasonable??
Please be honest even if I do get flamed!!

Sorry it was so long!!

He is just feeling sorry for himself,but I have to ask why does he have to be the one to leave .Equality and all that .

YANBU
If you now want it to be over then start divorce proceedings asap.

You are not being unreasonable at all.

He wants to stay in the house for two more months because he's upset that the woman he was having an affair with dumped him. And he thinks you are being mean by saying no.

Read that again.

Do NOT let him stay.

I can understand him wanting to get his head sorted but that's his problem and he should have thought of that when he started with the OW.

If he has family support & somewhere to go (or even if he hadn't) then why I she staying?

Is he thinking he can persuade you to take him back now his tart has chucked him & he can't get a shag? Sorry to be crude but this smacks of having cake &eating it.

Why has he asked till Easter ? What is is plan? IF he has one.

I think you both need to sit down and make a workable plan , for your sanity & that of the DD's. Presumably you've told them you're splitting & now they're wondering what is going on.

Personally I'd thtry & throw him out but he may not go & it's worth trying to keep it civil for the girls.

So hard, sympathies. have you taken good legal advice?

Well since you asked...

Nope not at all.

He is gutted and upset about being dumped by a woman he was having a relationship with while still in a marriage to you and not technically separated (even if it was on the verge of over).

Who wonders if he wasn't so in love with this other woman that you knew nothing about and devoting all his emotions and time to her if your marriage may have been in a better position!

He has been unemployed for 5 years so contributes nothing to the running costs of the house/food etc.

Tell him you are better financially if he goes and help him pack if he is too pathetic to do it.

Not your fault. Not your problem.

PS if you have had sex with him since last summer please pop to an STI clinic

Seeing as the house is half his he does not have to go anywhere, and you cannot force him out.

You could move though? Or put the house on the market which you would have to do and sell it and split the equity.

He's gutted and upset at being dumped by the OW.

Presumably you're gutted and upset at find out there even WAS an OW.

Tell him to fuck off and get out. YANBU.

I just feel that the kids are settled in this house, friends, school etc. Enough of an upheaval as it is!!
He has no plan at all!! Can`t get his head straight so no reasonable thinking going on yet in there!!!
Am going to get legal advice after 1/2 term!! It`s doing my head in!! Not knowing. I`m expecting that come Easter that he`ll be asking for more time! So possibly sitting down with him & working out a plan & then having solicitor putting it in writing??
Could not afford anywhere else, I only work part time!! Could possibly work out some sort of payment for him for his share of house, but then I feel as though I should be asking for maintanance for the children.

I think he was planning a cosy little love nest with OW. She has suddenly realised he is serious and gone oh fuck and done a runner.

Now he doesn't have another woman to look after his unemployed butt and is thinking oh fuck better stay here with Nat38 paying the bills as long as I can (maybe we can work things out...)

You can ask for maint, but if he doesn't work you aren't going to get it (well £5 week).
If it is over for you start divorce proceedings, during which you will have to sort the asset division - preferably amicably between yourselves, but if necessary in court.
You need to move forward, for yourself. So take control and start doing that.

No I don`t think so!!! & I think this has shocked him tbh!! I think thats one of the reasons he needs a bit of time because he honestly thought that & had no sort of back up plan!! Now both of us have basically dumped him!!
I feel mean thinking like that but also can`t help thinking it`s his own fault!!HE started the ball rolling in October planning on moving in with her & now she`s dumped him & I`ve found out I`m lost a lot of patience for waiting for him to move out!!

Yes, I do think I need to start divorce proceedings!! But I do want to try & keep it amicable-we have children!! I know, a lot of people start out with that intention, but we`ll see how it goes!!

But HE has had an affair - how amicable was he being.
Anyway starting proceedings doesn't have to be un-amicable, it is just stating where you are.
He is being completely and utterly unfair to you (affair/mooning round your joint home after other woman/wanting "time" when you are the one who was cheated on).

So, I only feeling what is normal then?? He has made me feel as though I am being unreasonable for not allowing him time, when I don`t seem to have done nothing wrong.
I know that we`d already agreed to split, so I think we are both to blame there, we just sort of fell out of love I think!!
Obviously, it happened to him sooner!!

He should be out on his arse.

Did your joint decision that the marriage was over pre-date him starting his affair?

And how do you know for certain that this only started last summer?

Of course he should leave now. Fuck equality. he had an affair and now he wants to get over it wait for her to call in the comfort of the home he has known. Boot him up the arse.

The joint decision was after he started the affair, he started the conversation & was then shocked I think that I agreed with him-the marriage/love had gone quite a while before the conversation!!
Thats when he seemed to change last summer so I think I believe him when he says it started last summer.
He had an affair years ago aswell, I said then that if he did it again he`d be out!! Now he thinks it`s only fair that I give him some time to get his head right & to make decisions/plans!!
I know I`m in the right feeling how I am, but he just makes me feel that I am in the wrong for not wanting to give him time the way he phrases it & how he stands there all miserable!!

He knows nothing about fair.

Paying off the mortgage wasn't a precious gift to you, it benefited him as well.

He caused the final end of the marriage by checking out of it and starting an affair last summer. That you mutually agreed to finish it without you knowing about the affair doesn't mean it wasn't the reason it ended - it just meant you didn't know the true reason for why it had gone so wrong.

He has somewhere else to go - he is just hoping you'll let him stay on in his home comforts indefinitely - he needs the boot.

He doesn't have to go, and you can't make him.
BUT you can take control of where YOU are and start moving your own life forward and making your own life.
You don't need to wait for him to be ready, he didn't wait until it was all properly finished before he moved on, did he.

Sorry but why suggestions that SHE should move out?!

HE initiated the split, HE had the affair, SHE is going to be prime carer for two children. And you think it is her and the kids she is working to provide for who should be booted out while his unemployed arse gets the house to himself and any future GFs?

It's nothing to do with equality!

OP, you need to talk to him, YANBU but you need a plan, and one that doesn't revolve around catering to his selfish needs at the detriment to you. Good luck.

One exclamation mark at a time is all you need.

It makes it very hard to read otherwise.

I thought so.

What your husband means when he says he wants more time is that he's hoping you'll change your mind about divorcing. Unfortunately, probably for entirely selfish reasons connected with domestic servicing and sex, not because of love or putting the children first.

The affair might have started last summer, but depending on how he met the OW there will have been a period before it when his attentions and mind were elsewhere. It's possible your marriage never really recovered from the first affair, but it would be good for your own emotional wellbeing to work out when your own feelings and behaviour towards him started to change. You might have got the cause and effect the wrong way around here and could be taking unnecessary responsibility for when things really became untenable.

This is a very bad atmosphere in which to raise children. Can you appeal to him on those grounds and ask him to move out? Do the children know you are separated? Telling them will strengthen your resolve and will also reassure them that happy marriages don't look like this.

If he is too selfish to go, then the next best alternative is to move out yourselves and ensure your assets (the house) are legally protected. Could you afford to do that?

Start the divorce proceedings as quickly as possible too.

Be prepared for lots of gnashing and wailing on his part about the 'dreadful mistake' he has made and protestations that he loves you really.....
Learn to see right through it and realise it is motivated by self-interest and an unwillingness to be on his own and have to fend for himself.