Mumsnet Talk

I am currently happily married with one DS. I work as a TA in a school and am really good friends with one of the teachers I work with who is also happily married with kids.
The thing is, we are always flirting with eachother which was harmless enough, but recently I have realised that I have been starting to have feelings for him.
I love my husband to pieces and there's no way I'd want anything to happen with this other man, but I get butterflies in my tummy every time I see him which I don't with my DH. I've also started to dream about us having an affair.
I'm not acting on these feelings at all as know they will only cause pain and have turned down my part in the flirting by a lot. I can't avoid him as being a TA it would mean having to explain why, especially as other collegues know we are friends, I also don't want to loose the best friend I have among my collegues because of some stupid feelings which I don't intend to act on (though sometimes I do get tempted)

What should I do? I don't want to have an affair (and sure he doesnt feel the same) but...

It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home.

It's lust, which won't last forever - those feelings will pass, you just need to ride it out until they do xx

Are you the class TA or a general one?
Problem in primary schools is the lack of males, so maybe you are building him up a bit because he has no (or very little) competition.

Search for some of the threads on here posted by women who have been affected by their DH's infidelity, or for some of the ones by women who have been the OW and you will realise very quickly that having an affair is a really really bad idea.

General TA. There are actually a few male teachers in the school two of which are both nearer my age and more stereotypically good-looking than thus guy! LOL.

LOLs @ appetite and eating at home - I quite agree. My only worry is if I may be giving myself too much temptation!

I know having an affair is a bad idea, that's why I don't want to even risk going down that route!

You are calling it a 'potential affair' so you really do think that something might happen ? If not you'd call it a 'silly crush'

Fast forward to 1 year down the line, when you've crossed the line and you're trying to lie your way out of it to your husband - lets just hope he doesn't stumble across this thread eh ?

And enjoy the weekend with your child. Because when you have your affair and get found out, you'll only be with him every other weekend. And birthday. And Christmas. And perhaps some day another woman will be tucking your baby into bed because of your choice.

Am being really harsh OP - but this is not worth the heartache The reality of the fall out of affairs is unbelievable. Take those butterflies and throw them at your hubby

Ugh, MrsSchadenfreude, my DH used to say that when he was flirting with the waitresses while out to dinner with me. Way to dent my self-esteem.

He doesn't any more and he's a bit more mature these days. It's a horrible horrible saying and as ProP says, just plays about with temptation, which is a dangerous thing.

It's difficult - I'd say avoid him, but as you can't, I think you're right to tone down the flirting. Maybe give your DH a quick call from work every now and then would help at some level?

giving, I mean

Concentrate more on the pupils. You'll find a lot lack attention and could benifit from some casual one to one attention (regardless of being assigned a TA). It's the quiet, non disruptive ones that need attention/an interest taken in them.
(trying not to preach here, but he's just a teacher doing a job and neither of you should be flirting really)

If you mean what you say about not wanting this to become an affair, do the following:

Stop flirting. At all. Flirting in this context, communicates your availability. It is never innocent, like some flirting can be.

Have a chat with your husband about it. Bringing a crush into the open takes the illicitness out of it and stops secrecy fuelling it.

With this man, talk about your happiness at home and with your husband. Keep mentioning him. Encourage him to speak positively about his wife. Never complain about your husband to him and if he starts grumbling about his wife, change the subject. If you ever find yourself trying to 'compete' with his wife, or find yourself moaning about your husband, stop because that's a big barrier crossed again.

Good one Char.
Imagine your DH flirting in this way with a colleague in his work.
Put barriers in place and respect both of your partners.

So if you know that having an affair is a bad idea, and you don't want to risk going down that route, then you have your answer.

What is it that you want posters to say to you, OP?

Genuine question.

It's fine to have fantasies but never transfer them in to real life

True....but this sounds a bit more than that.
Do you know his wife ?

Saphirefling - don't worry about being harsh - I do think the same, I'm calling it 'potential affair' because... Well actually, thinking about it, I have no idea why!

Clarasage - the flirting tends to be after class and during planning, not when the kids are around.

Charbon - will take your advice on board. Not moaning about OH's with eachother is a great idea as we do do that sometimes.

ilovemyteddy - wood question. I think what I want to 'hear' is that it is possible to avoid temptation in the long run, reminders of how bad affairs are (which I know already but..) and oh I dunno really. Guess it's just a crush I needed to get off my chest as all my friends either know this guy or my DH so can't tell them.

Thinking now, it prob is much more a crush than a potetial affair - my DH is far far too lovely to do that to! Guess I'm a bit of a drama queen!

I've met his wife a couple of times, but don't know her, same with him and my DH.

Can you get to know his wife? I hesitate to suggest meeting out of work time if you don't already, but if there is some way you can make overtures of friendship to her it will change the dynamic for you

.

Affairs are for weak, foolish , selfish people .

If you didn't love your dh , then I'd tell you to leave him . But your happily married ....So stop being silly and go have some fun with your dh .

Why do you even think he wants an affair with you?

A bit presumptuous don't you think?

Get over it.

I agree with Droves.

Weak, foolish and selfish.

I feel sorry for your husband.

Shame on him, too, for flirting back.
Sigh. Whatever happened to being satisfied with what we have.

Change jobs if you cannot be professional around him!

You would both get sacked for starters, and be pretty unemployable. Quite a lust dampener. To tell your family why you lost your job would not be much fun. And then be unemployed and share parenting with your ex, while he stays in the family home, and you are unemployed in a bedsit, or in the spare bedroom with a friend, but who knows, it may be worth it!

When he complains about his wife, do you want to give the impression that you are different to her and would never behave in the way complained about?

Do you sometimes check yourself and realise you're giving a false impression of your marriage and your husband?

Did you used to talk about him a lot at home and have stopped doing that so much recently?

Do you make more efforts with your appearance at work?

Do you find yourself wondering whether there will be an opportunity for something to happen, like a works do, a 'friendly coffee' or drink after work, or even a conference/course you could both attend?

Are you hoping he will send you a Valentine's card or message?

Do you text or communicate outside of school and are you feeling bereft now it is half term?

Are you finding that your husband irritates you more than usual and that you are looking for things to be angry about?

What would you say in response if the teacher told you he found you very attractive and 'if things were different......'?

These might be some good questions to ask as they'll show you how your boundaries might have slipped without even realising it consciously.

Would you talk to your husband? Go beyond the typical normal response to that question, which is: "Good god no, I couldn't hurt him like that" and delve a bit deeper. Could the reason be "God no, if I told him, this would have to stop and I'm not ready to give it up yet."