alcohol dependancy and end of marriage. hand holding please.

[abitbereft]

So. 15 years and finally reached end with DH. He's agreed to pack his bags when he gets out of bed (another 2am bender). I told him if he continued to drink like he does he would have to leave. So that's what he's doing. We're both supposed to be at work today.

We're late forties and have had gregarious lifestyle (travelling all over the world, lots of parties). For me that all changed with first DC 9 years ago, but for him it's still the same. It's as if he wants to live a married life and a single life at the same time. He'll tell me he's on his way home, then next thing it's 9pm and no sign of him. He'll either ignore my calls and texts or send me a text saying he's out for beers. Then he'll turn up in a taxi at midnight and crash into furniture/fall over. It'll be up beers in the pub, then dinner, then private club for more beers, all with his colleagues who are all a good 10 years younger than him. Averaging twice a week that he's really trashed, and maybe another couple of times a week when he knocks back a fair bit. Other three nights he'll 'just' have four or five cans in front of the TV.

Final straw was when I spoke to him at 8pm last night and he told me not to worry because he'd already booked his taxi to pick him up from his club at 1am. I was livid - WTF was he doing booking a cab 6 hours in advance and planning to get trashed?

We've had many many discussions around this and 90% of the time he'll argue that he's just stressed, lots of work issues (which is true) and it's the only way he can wind down. 10% of the time he'll tell me he knows he's got a problem and he won't touch alcohol again, or that he'll get counselling for it. He once agreed to go to AA. Of course none of it ever transpires.

I absolutely can't face talking to anyone in RL yet. There's another mum I know whose DH goes to AA so I'll approach her in a week or two for advice, but that'll be it. Saddest thing is that kids are so used to him being out all the time it'll be days before I have to tell them anything.

If any of you have been there, please drop in a message. Am feeling absolutely bereft. He's a great great great guy when he's not drunk and I'm going to miss that. I just can't carry on living with someone who cares more for alcohol than anything else and who is 'missing' from our marriage pretty much all the time. Is there an upside to any of this?

[Chinateacup]

I'm here!
No words of advice but am glad that you are following your head.
Be kind to yourself.
Hugs.

[Lueji]

Not sure about any upsides.

I'd give him some time to sort himself out before making it final (divorce, not separating).
But he would have to show that he had stopped drinking and had become reliable.
If you think you still live him.

The only positive is that your home will probably become more stable, but be prepared for him to miss on times for contact with the children.

[Lueji]

Ups, love, not live him.

[abitbereft]

Yes, still love him

[Lueji]

You should probably talk to people in real life asap.

You'll be less likely to take him back without any real changes and you can both get support.

You are being brave and doing the right thing.

[Sausagedog27]

I was brought up with a parent who had alcolohol dependency. Best thing my mum could have done for us kids is leave but she didn't. Your doing the right thing. Hugs xx

[nje3006]

Yes I have been there...

8 yrs ago next month I left my XH after 22 yrs. His patterns were much the same as yours, maybe a bit more frequent on the going out and in the end he was staying out all night a couple of times a month.

I was so loath to make the final decision. I was in counselling for 6 mths before I left just to check I was making the right choice. I kept it hidden from everyone in RL. Of course they all knew what he was doing, they just thought I was ok with it, b/c....well I kinda pretended I was. When people said, 'I don't know how you put up with it' my breezy response was 'oh YEARS of practice'.

One of the things that helped me and kept me on the road was telling people. First I told my sister, I realised I had kept her away from how bad it was. I saw her alone, rarely invited her to our parties or out with us. I knew she would have said something to me and I wasn't ready to hear it.

It was someone on a support network who first got me thinking about how serious it all was. I went down the AlAnon route but didn't want to learn to live with my alcoholic, I wanted him to stop drinking. I looked into enabling co-dependency and realised I had a lot of work to do on myself over it. But talking to people in RL who knew us both was such a help. I stopped pretending, one day I just stopped pretending I was ok with it all. And when people noticed that I wasn't my usual sunny self, they asked if I was ok and I just said 'no, H and I are really struggling and I don't know what to do.' THose people who wanted more details, I gave them. Every single person without exception including his own family supported my decision to leave. Everyone thought that he brought it on himself.

The first year was hard, I still loved him when I left but staying was making me utterly miserable. 8 years on, I am about to get re-married this year, something I NEVER thought would happen, I thought I was done with that.

I have not had a second's regret about leaving. XH and I are still in touch, I wouldn't say we're friends but he gets in touch with me from time to time - usually when he needs something. He went downhill badly after I left, suicide attempts, psychiatric interventions, the lot. BUt i stayed firm - no longer my problem. He has now met someone else and they have had 2 kids and he has emigrated. He has apparently been dry for 2 yrs now. Will it last? Dunno, not my problem.

So yes, I've been there and have lived to tell the tale. No regrets except maybe that i didn't do it earlier. But everyone is different...HTH

Nicola

[cosmicspaceman]

Unfortunately yes, have been there and still in the middle of it all. DP was a big social drinker and that gradually progressed to drinking at home too. This moved onto pretending not to drink, but actually hiding bottles of vodka around the house. Like you I really felt I couldn't leave and split up the family as he was never abusive in any way and very lovely when sober. However he was usually either hungover or drunk and so never wanted to do anything as a family. Front forward to last year when his drinking got even worse, now he looks like a drinker too. He was always highly thought of at work, but that has all changed as he had loads of time off sick, was unreliable, moody and finally was seen swigging out of a bottle of vodka at work. Miraculously he still has his job but for how long for I have no idea.

I still have told only a very few people. Partly because I guess I kept thinking he would give up and partly because I didn't want my DD's friends to hear their parents talking about it. The first time I did tell someone it was such a relief. DP has on very rare occasions admitted he has a problem and promised to get help but never actually follows through with it. He did go to see his GP but I don't think he was honest about the drinking, just said it was stress related.

We are now splitting up, but I really really wish I had done it a lot sooner. If you haven't already I would recommend that you take control of the family's finances. Foolishly I didn't and now my DP is being petitioned for bankruptcy by the Inland Revenue which means we have to sell our house.

Although I know we will miss DP, I won't miss that awful feeling of always wondering just how drunk or hungover he will be. My oldest DD is almost a teenager and how on earth can I teach her about sensible drinking when her dad is staggering all over the house? Last Sunday he sat down to dinner with us, his family, and he was so drunk he could hardly keep his eyes open. I really thought that his face was going to end up in his food. So when I'm feeling sad and lonely I will remember that dinner and know that I have absolutely done the best for my DDs and myself. x

[silverangel]

Exactly the same as sausagedog. My mum didn't leave because she thought 'it would be better for the children'. It wasn't, it was worse. It may be hard now but the right thing to do.
X

[silverangel]

Exactly the same as sausagedog. My mum didn't leave because she thought 'it would be better for the children'. It wasn't, it was worse. It may be hard now but the right thing to do.
X

[silverangel]

Sorry, don't know why my phone is posting twice!

[silverangel]

Sorry, don't know why my phone is posting twice!

[janelikesjam]

He's a great-great guy I'm hearing (when sober). So you can still be friends. But a marriage partner, doesn't sound so great. Sounds like a "big conversation", you moving on probably, and him facing reality.

[teenyweenytadpole]

Hi, another one here just adding my support. Very similar scenario, DH suffers from depression/anxiety, plus there is a strong possiblity of infidelity in the mix as well (his, not mine!). I've been in counselling since last summer trying to sort out my own issues, lots of stuff, had a crap year as my Dad died last year and I've had to give a lot of support to my Mum (only child). We've talked about separation and he is telling me he doesn't want us to split up, has promised to stop drinking at home but is still drinking outside the home. My last and final offer is to go to Relate so that if nothing else we have a safe place to talk about how we feel and how we go forward. He's out tonight (drinking!) but I'm planning on raising the subject again this weekend and seeing how things go. I think the main issue for me is the one raised by cosmicspaceman about the impact on our DD's plus also the sheer loneliness of living in a marriage where one person is only physically/mentally present part of the time. Good luck and PM me if you need to talk some more XXX

[teenyweenytadpole]

One thing I would add is, don't be afraid to tell people in RL - I have just started doing this and I can't tell you what a relief it is. Only selective people, not all and sundry! But everyone has been so supportive and helpful and it's made me realise how much I've been hiding behind this persona of the capable/jolly/supportive wife all these years.

[MandyT68]

I grew up with an alcoholic parent. It causes all sorts of lifelong problems for the children. Get him out. Until he wants his family more than he wants a drink there is nothing you can do except steer clear, for your own sake, his sake and the sake of any children.

[fraggle500]

You poor thing, you do sound strong, resigned and realistic re the drinking. I think your last sentence...........
" I just can't carry on living with someone who cares more for alcohol than anything else and who is 'missing' from our marriage pretty much all the time. Is there an upside to any of this?" just about sums it up for me, having been through this not once, but twice (idiot). (sad).

Once the shock has worn off, and you begin to bring order and calm into your house and your DC lives, you will start to feel so much better. Sorry don't have any better advice, just wanted to send you my support.

[balotelli]

He is an alcoholic.
You cant change him.
You are enabling him to be an alcoholic.
He is a great guy when he's sober? Dont fool yourself, he will be rarely sober and this is only going to get worse.
For the sake of your dc.
LEAVE

[Isabeller]

My heart goes out to you. I can identify with the pain and confusion of loving someone who is so caught up in their addiction that life becomes unmanageable. I drove myself completely insane before I realised I couldn't cope.

I found a lot of help in Al-anon - for families of alcoholics. It's just as anonymous as AA so you don't have to talk to anyone you know in RL now but you would meet people who can identify with your situation.

xx Is

[fraggle500]

Balotelli - Very well put. Can't say it any clearer.

When they are not drunk, they are hungover and so the never ending circle begins.

[cupidsabsolutepsyche]

adding my support.

I grew up with an alcoholic mum, single parent. She is lovely when sober. Unfortunately through most of my childhood and teenage years she was only sober about fifty percent of the time, if that. Her drinking caused her to behave in horrible and nasty ways. I had no way out until I was a teenager, Dad did a bunk when i was a baby. I love my mum but i will never forget what i went through. I won't (and tbh, can't right now) elaborate further but being a child around an alcoholic parent can leave indelible scars.

Unfortunately DD's dad is also alcoholic. He speaks about his drinking in the same way as yours abitbereft - that he drinks because he is stressed about various things, but then sometimes he will admit he has a problem and says he will get help. It never materialises. He is also a great person when sober and part of me still loves and misses the sober him. But I will NOT put DD through what I went through and we split last year. I can't tell you how much happier I am. DD is still only 18mo so doesn't understand but I can sure tell the difference having a happier mum is making to her. She sees her dad lots and loves him to bits, he stays sober when he is with her.

Your DH needs to hit his own rock bottom and you shouldn't stay around waiting for that to happen.

You need to have everyday happiness in your life again, not treading on eggshells, rearranging family plans or just plain old having-that-awful-knot-in-your-stomach because someone is drunk or hungover AGAIN.

You are 100 percent doing the right thing.

[abitbereft]

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories. I have taken the kids away by myself, and given DH a week to determine what he wants from his life and how he wants to live it. He knows that there is no halfway house. He refused to go to GP on Friday and refused to go to a rehab place that does counselling 'weekends' , so it all looks a bit bleak. It's complicated by the fact that his mum was an alcoholic in the classical sense (whisky hidden in the laundry basket, using a taxi service to deliver whisky when we cut off her normal routes, etc) so DH uses her as a yardstick for his own behaviour: as long as he doesn't descend to her levels he doesn't consider he has a real problem. But as I said, every now and then I see a chink of fear and he admits his life is out of control. I've simply told him that he now needs to take actions rater than try to brazen it out. We shall see.

Internet access may be dodgy for next few days (no idea: have booked into random hotel and it doesn't mention it on website), so apologies if I don't come back and comment for a few days.

Am just so sad about it all.

[SaggyHairyArse]

I was married for 10 years, together for fourteen, and I called time on my marriage nearly 18 months ago.

It is a similar tale of him not adjusting to family life and continuing to behave like a singleton whilst I did everything around the house and he swanned in and out when he could be bothered. I tried many different approaches to encourge him to stop drinking but he didn't (even though he admitted he had a problem, he had a high liver function test and was told to make lifestyle changes etc etc etc).

My STBXH also used to be very abusive and controlling and in the end the memory of the fun guy I married was replaced with basically a complete cunt of a husband.

I have a new relationship now and my man helps me far more with everything, kids included, he has done more for my kids than their Dad has done their whole lives and I have turned my life around (gone back to college etc).

I think that it is one thing to work on a marriage and quite another to flog a dead horse and only you know if it has crossed that line.

Best of luck x