Mumsnet Talk

Im so unhappy.
He's lovely. We have 3 great children. But we don't talk. Or have sex, mostly because I don't want to. Or do anything together without children.
And I'm sat here in bed, in the afternoon, crying, wondering if I can keep doing this for another 10 or 20 years.

From your Op i think it may be something more deep rooted than just being "unhappy" with your marriage.

Have you considered speaking to your GP about how you are feeling?

I've just read this post of yours and I feel for you. You say you think your husband is lovely- can I interpret that you still care for him then? I'm wondering whether, husband aside for a moment, if you are happy within yourself anway? For instance, are you happy with your friends, job, social life? Communication can break down because of different things I suppose and I'm wondering whether you two have just naturally grown apart or whether there are other issues causing these current problems?

No, I don't want to talk to my gp.
I'm not constantly crying or normally in bed in the afternoon either. Littlest one is napping and I thought I'd try too.
But instead I'm sitting in bed trying to remember the last time we really talked. Or hugged. Or kissed.
We do occasionally go out, but to the theatre or cinema, where we rush there once babysitter arrives, sit in silence watching whatever it is we have gone to see, then rush home as the none of the babysitters in the area want to work after midnight, and it takes us time to drive home.

This is hard.

Do you know how/when it started? How old are your dcs?

I found that to break the cycle, it took both of us making some efforts to find something to say to the other. Difficult at the start and then it gets easier.

You said its you who doesn't want to so I don't really know what to advise other than start the Conversations with DH and tell him how you feel and/or see your GP

When did it start and what do you feel about him. I mean if you don't want to be with DH and don't want to see a GP what do you expect
To happen?

It'll just continue in this cycle. You need to take some action and not bury your head in the sand crying in your
Room

Are you me?

Dh and I sound exactly the same although we occasionally through periods where it seems a lot better/more normal. But the good times are few and far between
is it possible that either one of you has depression? My dh does and I find our relationship seems to depend on his feelings a lot.

Sorry I don't have any advice but will watch with interest

Go out
Get dressed up (both of you)
Don't go to watch anything... Go for a meal or walk or something free of distractions. Out of the house
Have a good talk to him

Humm not sure that everything is on the OP shoulders... IMO when you are at stage, it took two people to get there.

OP what happens if you are trying to start a conversation? What happens if he does?

Again only my experience, but gpoing out for a meal when one of the partners doesn't want to talk and only answers with one word is excrutiating. So I would start more gently by reigniting conversation at home (whilst doing the washing up, watching a bit of tv in the evening etc...) before trying to go out.

Another question , why is it that you don't want to have sex? Is it because you are not talking and now feel resentful/not good enough/ rejected?? Or is there somethingelse that happened that started that cycle?

My username does sound awful. It's just a reflection of my upset-ness this afternoon.
I'm not sure I want to leave him, but something needs to change. Us.

I don't want medication. Or fresh air. Im not depressed. Im upset. I want a relationship with my husband. I don't think he's depressed either. We're just two busy parents.

At the moment he comes home from work, kisses the kids before he says hello to me, & all I feel is relief that there is another adult in the house.

I don't want sex as I feel no passion, either my own or his. We don't kiss. I don't want sex with an acquaintance, which is probably all we are to each other at the moment. We share children, & a bed, but barely touch each other & tend to sleep as far apart as possible. We might as well start with separate beds or even bedrooms.

If we go out, what is there to talk about? Work? Children? Who shat on the carpet today, potty training toddler or cat? We have 3 children, 2 are in primary school & a toddler still at home.

We have moved recently. It was stressful for all. But its been almost a year. I miss my friends, but do still talk & see them & am making new friends. He's not making new friends, but isnt around enough to meet people in our new area.

We have a babysitter ( & back up sitters), but not past midnight. No family nearby. No chance of a weekend together alone. Friends would have one child for a sleepover, but not 3.

We're going to stay with family for half term so have the chance to go out. And I dread the thought of a meal out with nothing to say to each other.. I'd rather spend the time without children on my own. Maybe reading a book. Or going for a walk. But really I want...

I don't know what I want.

I was thinking about leaving. Or asking if he'd move out for a while. Or even just

I don't know.

I can't help unfortunately, I feel very similar, I love my DH, but am just feeling off lately, and I just don't know why............................

I just wanted you to know that there are others that feel the same

To be a couple you need to act like a couple. You can choose to start being affectionate, romantic, thoughtful, attentive.... You can choose to do that and maybe then you'll start feeling it.

If you don't prioritise your relationship, then you end up drifting apart. If you still like and respect him as a person you've got nothing to lose by trying.

I can't help OP as we're in the same place. Except we do sleep in separate beds Have done since I got so big and uncomfortable in pregnancy with my now 15 months old twins that it seemed sensible for him to go in a different room. But he likes his room so hasn't come back, and I like cosleeping with my babies, so they've stayed with me. And it all seems too hard to change .

I don't recommend going out for dinner. We have tried that s few times (once was a Sunday lunch with the babies, but out) and I start about a million small talk conversations, all of which get a one word answer or an 'i dont know' or a 'I haven't thought about it'. It is excruciating.

I try so hard to keep it all going and be happy and jolly. We talk about our problems when it reaches a point where I can't just keep carrying it all on and I get angry and upset that he isn't capable of even pretending to be happy. I subscribe to the 'fake it til you make it' theory, and it works, but DH isn't happy, doesn't make any effort to change that and isn't capable of pretending either. So we plough on.

Not sure why I'm posting really as I can't help you. But you're not alone.

Unlike HappyAsASandboy, I do recommend going out for a meal. You two need to re-connect. You need to start talking. Even if it's just about the kids at first - you need to TALK.

On his part, he needs to give you more attention. Little things like, he should kiss you before the kids when he comes home. On your part, you may need to make more of an effort to have sex with him. Things won't change unless you both make an effort.

If you've tried talking but he won't listen or make any effort to change things between you, then you really need to shake things up drastically. I would tell him you're thinking of splitting in one of those moments that you really mean it and see if it wakes him up to the need to reconnect.

Both of you need to work on the bond between you. If you have nothing to talk about, start playing a game or doing a hobby together in the evenings, something that you can laugh, discuss or even bicker (light-heartedly) about. Show an interest in his work or whatever, even if you've heard it all a million times before, and he should do the same for you. Cuddle up in bed, stop letting it drift. Go to relationship counselling.

Married life can be incredibly boring for long periods of time! I find the daily grind of babies and work and just getting through a week very trying at times.

Try to focus on the good times you have shared in the past and see if you can take small steps together to recreate them. Unless both of you make an effort then it will only get worse. Most couples talk about work and their children when they go out because other than that, both parties generally has different interests that your partner doesnt share...

The voice of doom there, maleview .

Sounds that way doesnt it!

I think loads of people are in this boat especially ones with young kids.

Gosh I often feel like this. I used to panic about it but now I do think that it's just part of the average marriage. We go through phases of being totally off with one another, though mostly me being off with DH, or we're just not communicating very well.... alos have 3 small kids so I find by the end of the day I have usually reached the end of my tether and so then in walks DH all happy and breezy after his day at the office and I know I must seem like the crankiest old hag on the block, but I sometimes just want to smack his happy go lucky face?!!!

Sounds awful and it is awful because he is an absolute gem. He has been blessed with happy genes and always, without fail, thinks we're good, even when we're not.

We have a cuppa together every evening before bed. That's probably the only time we connect really as once the kids are in bed I go ont he computer for an hour once all the chores have been done, that's my only downtime and he will watch tv or do some diy. But we do try to connect in some way most days.

I feel from your post there is still some love there and I would say to you to try and pick yourself up and just start chatting with him. Feel sorry for yourself by all means, we all need a bit of self pity every now and again, then get over it and go and find your DH and ask him how he's doing... just give it a try.... HOpe you feel bettter soon xxx

Have you tried telling him any of this? Like, asking him to kiss you first when he comes in. It might feel embarrassing, but if you tell him something he can do to make you feel special, it could help you both to start reconnecting.

Dinner out sounds less ambitious than a weekend away, certainly especially when you don't want to have sex. If he's sticking at monosyllables, the best conversation topic to draw him out is probably himself.

Just wanted to update, we had a planned weekend away with children, which was fun. No mobile or internet signals, so actually had some time as a family without other distractions, even cbeebies!
Then his parents, my rather lovely in laws, suggested we had a night alone. I was thinking of just meal out, but we booked a hotel & had a meal too. It was lovely, maybe just him is fine and hime and kids are the problems, & if we got rid of them....

Back home it's the same. Except having recently had sex made love I want more, he doesn't.

How are things now? This was me and ex-dh, for many years, got gradually worse. Can I recommend you see if he will go with you to Relate? It may well be worth the money. By the time I'd got to the end of my tether and told him we had to split up, I was beyond counselling. I had asked him to go before and he refused but he had not taken me seriously. By the time he realised the implications and offered at that point to do counselling, it was too late (for me). I was too angry and counselling sessions were a waste of time.

He worshipped our kids but I felt like just part of the furniture, no affection, I even went into hospital for an emergency op when we were on holiday and had no-one to have the kids so he couldn't be with me but he didn't even call me on the morning of the op, which was a serious one with general anaesthetic. The staff were concerned and tried to get him on the phone. Turned out he was at breakfast with the kids. I am still trying to get my head around the fact that he stopped loving me. And I am blamed as the bad guy because I was the one who finally had enough and had to get out, he just sees himself as a victim and won't admit any blame.

Hi Op this all sounds very familiar, i think you'll be able to get it back though, you sound self-aware, he doesn't sound cruel or callous. It's so tough up until recently I felt invisible at home, dh was mr enthusiasm with the kids but totally ignored me. And I couldn't stand him near me, he froze me out but still expected sex, I had no sex drive so didn't do it and it caused massive problems.

We're getting there slowly though, he's a lot less stressy, more collaborative with me, we have a brew every eve before bed and a chat. I like going out so whereas before if we had a sitter i would arrange for us to meet loads of friends now we do stuff just the 2 of us. If we're going to the cinema we'll go for a meal first for example. We book the kids into the creche and go to the gym together. Stuff like that.

Your weekend sounds good, I hope you get more of it

help there is next to no chance of getting him into counselling. He doesn't do talking about feelings. He's northern

nuit it was a food weekend, & night away. I really think it is just life getting in the way of our relationship. We actually had fun. I'd love to go to the gym & pop the kids in a crèche. Infant we used to at least 2 a week, & after a teeny bit of exercise chill out together in the spa. It was lovely. However, we've moved to a lovely but ridiculously rural town, where the only gym is nice but council run, the crèche only open non practical hours, no afternoons, evening or weekends, & no spa. I think I must open one here. Anyone have any experience in running a private gym or spa?

It's silly, we have a lovely babysitter, who is really cheap after where we used to live, but nowhere to go. Pub or dinner, umm that's it. Choice of 2 restaurants. Weve been to both lots. Only old men go to the pub. And play darts. Places further afield, there are no taxis to get home. I don't fancy driving to a nice pub to drink soft drinks all night, drive home & pay the babysitter.

Maybe we should not have moved.

And now he's ordered sky hd. Between that and the computer, what is the point of my being here? seeing no irony in the fact I'm posting on here

I know it's not as bad as it seemed last week. I do love him. Hell, I even like him. But I want to spend time with him. And he's not really getting that. Like now, I suggest bed, & he's decided he's not tired (!) & wants to put another film on.

I have said in very simple words that I want to go to bed for sex, but no, film before me...

You sound a bit self-indulgent. You cannot expect life with three children to be all hearts and flowers. He is busy. He has a wife, three children, a job and a house, all of which need care and attention. You sound as though you need a bit more to do during the day, so that you are not solely fixating on your relationship as your whole endeavour.

Sorry to be harsh and all that. But there doesn't sound as though there is anything fundamentally wrong.