Mumsnet Talk

So, it has been 4 months now since I last spoke to my in-laws and I am feeling a bit guilty. I don't know why though because these people have treated me very badly.

I stopped talking to them because over a long, long period of time they have made me feel like I am a piece of crap on the bottom of their shoe (crudely put sorry, but it's the best way I can describe it). According to my friends and family, I am a lovely, down to earth person. According to them, they have had to put up with me all these years! Anyway, we fell out over something petty but it was the final cherry on the cake for me. I told my husband that I no longer wanted a relationship with them, but of course they are welcome to come over, see the kids, take them out, for him to do what he likes with them (go over, hang out, whatever). I told him that nothing should change his side, I just want to back off, not have a relationship with them, not be the one to run around after them, not go to any family functions etc. In a nutshell, I no longer want to be part of their family, not that I was ever acknowledged as one in the first place.

So fast forward to today and I am feeling guilty because it turns out that I have been the one who has been making the effort all these years. I have been the one to ask them over, arrange lunches, send birthday cards, invite them on days out with us, Xmas gifts etc. I have been the one to call them up, call up on Skype. I have been the one who does all the communication. So, without me doing it he has not bothered to talk to any of his family! (It's a shame his family didn't realize that it is me that is the one who includes them, not him before they treated me like dirt). He has not been to see them, called them or arranged cards and presents. I can only imagine what they are saying and I'm pretty sure that the blame is landing firmly on my shoulders. I have encouraged him and reminded him a few times, but then I think why should I do anything.

Anyway, I am not sure what to do, if anything. I can't see myself making up with them as they really have taken my self esteem and battered it within an inch of it's life and from what I saw when we fell out, they despise me. On the other hand I feel bad that my husband has not had any contact with them since!

What to do?

Unless you wish to return to the old days where your ils treated you like shit with disdain and made you feel like crap in the process, there's really nothing more you can do, honey.

You've done everything you can to encourage your dh to pick up where you left off, but you're not his keeper and you can't force him to run with the ball.

IME we reap what we sow; your ils are beginning to discover that theirs is a bitter harvest while yours is a veritable cornucopia of abundance.

It seems to me that it's now time for you to acccept that 'it is what it is' and let your dh and his family get on with it.

As for what they may or may not say about you - that's their problem too

He is a grown man. It's up to him to keep his relationships going and there is no need for you to feel guilty if he doesn't so that. If he was that bothered he would arrange to see them himself surely?

Whatnoketchup please please do not feel guilty. It is not your responsibility to keep checking up on dh to get him to contact his parents, nor is it up to you to facilitate contact with your dc. It is not your problem any more, and tbf if they want to lay the blame at your door then as long as you don't have to see/ speak to them then so be it. You have made it clear that you're not going to put up with crap from them and they need to realise that their actions have consequences.

Thx a lot for the responses. I feel better. I agree with izzyizin about you reap what you sow. In fact this is a phrase that I had been telling myself. They have drip drip drip fed me criticism, dirty looks, passive aggressive comments and behaviour for years and now I'm over it. I still have my self esteem, I still like me, but now I cannot be bothered anymore. I don't want to waste my energy. I am not arguing over anything, nor angry. I'm just older and wiser, life is too short to waste time on people you do not like and bring you down. I'm just tired and bored.

Think about it this way: When your own DC are grown and have left home, will you wait for your DH to instigate contact with them or will you do it yourself if you feel too much time has passed? You'll do it yourself, of course you will. Same should go for your DH. They are his parents.

It is up to him. Don't feel guilty - it is his choice to let things slide and he is perfectly capable of contacting them or arranging to meet if he wants to.

I'd point out that you won't be pissed off if he does, if there's a chance that he's avoiding them for your sake - but if it's just can't-be-arsedness on his part, then meh. Maybe he's glad to see the back of them.

Thx. I don't think it is for my sake. I think I have been quite mature and reasonable given the circumstances by encouraging him to do it. He knows that he has to deal with his family now, just like I do 99.9% of the dealings with my huge family. I think he just can't be arsed. I just do not want them to think that I am keeping him away. I am not that cruel.

Thx. I don't think it is for my sake. I think I have been quite mature and reasonable given the circumstances by encouraging him to do it. He knows that he has to deal with his family now, just like I do 99.9% of the dealings with my huge family. I think he just can't be arsed. I just do not want them to think that I am keeping him away. I am not that cruel.

He's an adult and capable of picking up a phone.

I wouldn't worry about what they think, let them get on with thier twisted opinions and concentrate on your own life.

His family=his job to get in touch.

Bottom line- do you (not your dh, not your children) want these people back in your life? If so, then get in touch. If not,then let him do what he sees fit.

I haven't seen mine for 8 years. Dp goes over when he can be arsed, which, I have to say, is not as much as I would if my 80yr old parents lived 15 mins away. Dd sees them half a dozen times a year. When they were still running my life we were obligated to go over there every Sunday for lunch, and every high day and holiday in between. Now,it'll get to one Sunday a month and he'll say "Me and dd have to go today" and I let them get on with it. Not my responsibility.

Don´t feel guilty.

If your husband is too lazy/doesn´t care enough about his parents, that is not your problem.

And what is stopping them contacting him?

And they sound so awful/disinterested I doubt that your children are missing out either.

I am also quite quite sure that his lot think it is me keeping him away. I'm not, because, like you, I will not sink to their pathetic level of manipulation.