Not sure what to do about possibly toxic father...

[SadAboutDad]

Hi all. Have name changed and thought AIBU might be a bit to harsh (I am a sensitive little flower!) so have put this here. This is going to be the longest post in the history of mumsnet, so I apologise in advance!!!

My relationship with my dad is getting me down. It's always been the most complex relationship in my life and it goes through phases of getting better and worse. It's really starting to drain me now though and I'm not sure if it's me with the problem or him.

My mum and dad were together for around 9 years before they had me (followed by my younger sister 3.5 years later). I don't think they had planned on having kids at all at first (in fact my dad has confirmed this to me) but I came along 10 months after my mum's sister's son was born. Quite a quick turnaround!

My mum was never the domestic type, and can be a little flaky at times but my sister and I had always felt that she loved us. She probably could have done a better job raising us but has improved massively since she left my dad and we now see that she was likely very depressed in the marriage. We have a lovely relationship now.

My dad is a functioning alcoholic and used to hit me/ verbally abuse me and my sister periodically whilst we were growing up. Never as a 'controlled' punishment - always in a rage, either drunk or coming down. He never hit my mum though. He idolised her. It was just us kids he wasn't keen on. I remember begging him to stop using violence when we were naughty but to 'ground' us instead. He then just starting using both as a punishment! He was an 'Old-school' parent - the whole "I was walloped as a child - never did me any harm!" Yeah. Right.

He made it plain he would have preferred a son but never got one. He could be very generous financially but seldom helped out around the house. Instead, he and my mum paid me to do housework as they hated doing it so much!!! He has always held down a good job, but spent most evenings in the pub and most nights sleeping on the sofa. He was very inconsistent with rules, forgetting me and my sis existed most of the time but coming down hard on us in front of friends/family in order to look like a strict parent doing his job. We clocked this quite young.

I was a very difficult teenager and put my parents through hell. My ONLY defence for this is that I was sexually abused as a child by another male relative and was also dealing with a separate rape incident, so I think I might well have been traumatised. But I was awful and bunked off school until I got kicked out with no quals and became very promiscuous. My dad would kick me out frequently or I would run away. I'd stay at friends but always be back a few days later, except for a number of weeks I spent living with my nan. I ended up a teenage mum and had my beautiful DS in 2002 at the age of 18. He is the absolute light of my life and I have turned my life around beautifully since he was born and began living in a place of my own, away from all the madness. I am happily in a new relationship and currently 6 months pregnant with DC2. My parents and I slowly began mending our fractured relationship from afar and more respect was shown all round. No more violence - my dad even came of the drink for a few years.

He doesn't often see much of me and my sis, but turns up on Birthday's, Xmas and Easter with wodges of money for us. I feel very uneasy about accepting these gifts and would rather have a dad that was more involved instead of giving us guilt money but there you go. If he ever does visit, he has a cup of tea before he fucks off after 20 mins.

My mum left my dad in 2004 after nearly 30 years of marriage. She had had an affair with a younger man which I found out about in 2001 aged 17. I told my dad but he didn't believe me and accused me of shit stirring. She got away with it but left him eventually anyway. Not for the OM though. I understood her decision and have privately agreed with it more and more with time. Mum got a place of her own and has thrived ever since, with a good job and a great social life. She has become a very involved and generous grandmother and has stayed single since she left, despite looking very good for her age.

My mum and dad have always stayed on very, very friendly terms and they really do seem to like each other, despite everything. My mum would never have had him back though and my dad, I don't, has ever got over losing her. The extended family still welcome my dad along at Xmas, etc. not much has changed on that front. Dad did have a girlfriend for about 5 years, but kept her completely separate from the family (I only met her twice and my sis never met her). By all accounts, she was a bit of a misery and I think my dad was embarrassed by her. He gave the elbow in spring last year and started dating someone new in the summer.

The new woman seems very nice, but it's all moved very quickly. He's back in the pub with her most nights. This is my dad's life and I would like him to be happy but I am quite certain that he is in over his head and acting a bit crazy. This time, he seems to be dragging the whole family along on the roller-coaster. For example, just before Xmas, he told my sister that he had caught another man leaving her house at 5am (bit stalky dad) and that he had called her a cheating cunt and dumped her on the spot. The next thing we know, he's booked a last minute holiday for them both to Barbados and suddenly I'm house-sitting and feeding his dog for the week! No-explanation!

He's asked my mum for a divorce (just a formality a this point), which she took well, and has asked his new GF to marry him. They are moving in together next month and planning on Marrying on NYE this year! Unbelievably, this was the date myself and my DP had planned on getting married ourselves and we had only just told him this at Christmas!!! I don't know whether he genuinely forgot or he just decided to fucking steal it anyway! Oh well, plans change and we'll pick another date. But I was very put out to say the least.

He and his GF walked into my house last Thursday at nearly 9pm where my DP was cooking (an admittedly late) dinner of gammon, potatoes and cabbage. He immeadiately said, in front of my 9.5 year old DS; "Oooooh - what's that cooking, smells like a fucking Paki's house in here!" Me and his GF were horrified and told him off and he said sorry. Luckily, my DP didn't hear (my DP is half Irish, half South-American and quite dark skinned). Even though my dad appears to like my DP, this isn't the first racist comment he's made in his earshot. He was NEVER racist when were younger. He and his GF sat down to make their announcement (luckily, my sis had given me the heads up over the phone beforehand). He seemed put out that I wasn't more shocked.

He also said that he wants to take my DS to Centre Parks in May with his GF's family. My dad has never even had my DS for a night and now wants to take him along to keep his GF's grandson occupied. (My DS had never even met my dad's DS until Thurs, let alone the rest of her family). They apparently want him to take time off school for this as well. I told tem that May wasn't good for us as that's when the baby way due. He said "So what? We'll be doing you a favour taking him off your hands during that time!" Erm, well no actually. I'd quite like my son around to get to know his little sister instead of being shunted off with people he doesn't know. Bearing in mind, my dad doesn't bother to come and see me and my DS for months on end and now wants to play the doting Granddad to look good to his GF's family! I don't fucking think so!!!

He also seems to want us all to play happy families with his GF's 4 daughters (who all seem lovely as well to be fair) but I find myself thinking (in very teenage fashion) that I don't want to drag myself and my family into what seems like a very unstable and false dynamic set up by my dad and his GF. It feels like it would be a waste of time and/or have a bad effect on my family.

It should be easy to walk away, shouldn't it? Well here's the kicker: my dad lent me a VERY sufficient amount of money last year to clear some severe debts I had accumulated after being made redundant. I thinks it's about £8000 and with me being pregnant and still only working sporadically, I am in no position to pay this back yet. He doesn't seem bothered about me paying it back - says it can come out of my inheritance instead. But I WANT to pay it back ASAP, so I am not beholden to him any more, so if the shit hits the fan, I can walk away from him and his constant fucking drama. I get the feeling that he wants me to tow his line and could hold the money over me if I don't. What do I do?

Sorry for the ENORMOUS rant mumsnetters. If you bothered to read this, then you must be a more patient person than I am!!! AIBU to feel the way I do?

[CharlotteCraig]

Women usually rant and rave and moan about things and then let them continue the same, the worst mistake they can make. Or - which is just as silly - they leave it to the nasty person or luck to maybe make things better.
If your father is selfish and nasty or worse he is hardly going to suddenly decide to be nice, so waiting for that is daft too. You need to make your own decisions, take control and be your own person. If he is so terrible why did he lend you £8000? Nasty people dont usually do things like that. You borrowed it and made use of it, maybe that was a mistake, but you cannot have it both ways. You say he is very dramatic but so are you! Be your own person. If you are old enough to get pregnant and have a baby you do not need to be tied to your father at all.

[SadAboutDad]

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I have wondered the same thing: can he really be that bad if he has bothered to help me out financially to such a degree? He has of course, done some hideous things in the past but has now settled for part indifference, part overly-nice falsities. It's very unsettling and I do need to find a way to man up, whilst at the same time not causing offence. For example; there's no way in hell my DS is going off to Centre Parks with him this time around, however kind the offer may seem to be! I just have to find a very polite way of telling him that. I want him to be happy and move on with his life, but I have a niggling feeling that all these big gestures he's doing at the moment to try an move on/ put things right aren't the actions of a genuinely happy man. And I worry, should it all come crashing down, will his nasty behaviour re-surface? If I had the money now, I'd pay it all back and go back to being the polite and friendly but slightly distant daughter he had before. But that's probably wrong also. Although I worry that trying to talk to him about all would make him kick off in a big way.....

[cleopatrasasp]

I disagree with Charlotte. People often lend money, not out of the goodness of their heart, but because it gives them a measure of control over the borrower - it is often people who struggle to build relationships on genuine mutual respect and affection that do this. Pay the money back as soon as you can OP but don't let having borrowed it make you go along with things that make you uncomfortable.

You are an adult and have your own family to consider first and foremost, don't get dragged into the dramas of your parents if you can help it.

[SadAboutDad]

Thanks cleo. Unfortunately, it maybe some time before I am able to pay the money back, what with being pregnant and having no permanent job prospects on the horizon. I need a miracle!!! My dad does not seem overly bothered about the money (he is reasonably well-off) but that's because I'm playing his game right now. Although he hasn't implied anything yet, I've experienced his wrath before when things don't go exactly his way or if he feels he's been made to look like an idiot in some way. I need to box clever here.....