what would you do

[scuzy]

my partner is suffering depression and anxiety. i too suffer from depression but i feel am at the other side of it feel alot better. however i feel so unhappy in my relationship. this is not the man i fell in love with. i still love him sooo much but cant live like this. we have a 3yr old together.

he snaps at me, doesnt talk to me, basic conversation of 2 sentences or involving ds but thats it. he is in a serperate room for 2 years now and loves it.

he doesnt get up with ds ever (i work full time, he is self employed but in the bed every morning til god knows that time). he doesnt bathe him, barely plays with him, has never in his life done housework. yes i knew he was somewhat like that but now its the pits and makes my life hell.

last night i moved a tool that was dangerous for our son to be around onto a higher shelf and he went ballisitic. i was a bitch for doing it and what did he say before about moving his things (apparently i have to ask permission) and if i wasnt happy with that arrangement i was to fuck off somewhere where i was happy. we havent spoken since. he wont either.

he says he is not well, cant cope, wasnt ready for ds so its my fault and even though he does live him i have to rear him.

am at the end of my tether. how long do i live like this hoping he gets better. at this stage i dont know what is anxiety, stress, depression or just being a prick. have had arguments before where i said i was leaving he said go but your not taking ds. then he might say if i find him hanging from a tree it would be my fault.

friends and sis say leave him .... but they only hear my side. i know he is not himself but this is going on 3 years now with no sign if things getting better.

thanks for reading if you got this far

[scuzy]

oh and to avoid drip feeding we are both seeing counsellors, both on anti ds, he is also on anti anxiety also. he is seeing a psychologist as well and is being treated for sleep apnea. so therefore nothing is his fault he is ill.

[squeakytoy]

firstly, is he seeking any professional help for this so called depression and anxiety?

I say so called, because my husband has had bouts of severe depression, and a nervous breakdown, but he was never so nasty and abusive.

If he isnt getting any help from the GP or other professional, then nothing will improve.

[scuzy]

thanks for replying ... yes he is thankfully. but its the verbal abuse, like i am as low as shit on his shoe and he looks at me like he hates me but then gets mad when i dont believe him that he loves me!!

[squeakytoy]

sorry, x-posted there, and that answers the questions.

Personally I would say leave him. It isnt fair on your child to grow up with this atmosphere, at all.

[TopazMortmain]

There's depressed and then there is being a massive prick... What was he like before? It honestly sounds like you need to concentrate on yourself and your DC.

Is he ever contrite?

[inatrance]

Honestly? Leave. Depression is not an excuse for treating you like shit. Give him an ultimatum - either he takes responsibility for his actions or you will leave. It could be the kick up the arse he needs, but if not (which I think is more likely) and he continues being an arse, you get your life and happiness back.

You deserve to be happy too. His behaviour is out of order at best, abusive at worst. He's behaving like this because he can. He says it's because he's depressed so you feel guilty for saying anything.

[inatrance]

And you are right, he doesn't love you. Never doubt yourself and your instincts. They are very rarely wrong. Men like this teach you to trust them and their twisted reality rather than what is in front of your eyes and in your gut. Get Lundy Bancrofts book, 'Why does he do that', I promise you will recognise him in there.

[scuzy]

but he was never like this before!!! i think i am partly to blame if not fully as i (have to say to give you guys the full picture and want honest advice) had an emotional affair years ago before ds was born. i got close to someone in work loved the attention i was getting. it never got physical but even until i had ds he said he wasnt even sure ds was his. i dont blame him how could he trust me? but i can honestly say i never physically cheated on him. though i know emotionally it is worse what i did.

so between business going downhill, a new born, and not trusting me and getting over what i did i feel it is mostly my fault and cant leave him. i want him around for my ds who he is good to. i do love him, plus who would want an overweight woman in her mid 30s with a 3 yr old. plus there is the other side that he may do something to himself as he does tell me i am his soulmate and how much he loves me (in the good days in between these every 2 week meltdowns).

i am torn .... we can go for a few weeks just existing (i call it that because even though i thought we were fine i can see from other relationships we are just co habiting) to these outbursts where i feel like i'm right back down in the pits of depression but have to snap out of it for ds's sake but he can take to the bed and call me a bitch and i will go home after work and cook a dinner as normal play with ds put him to bed and clean up while he vegs on the couch as he is stressed. and i am the cause of most of it so he tells me.

[scuzy]

sorry Topaz what does contrite mean?

and thanks so much for the replies. i have no one (unbiased) to talk to.

[inatrance]

None of that is a reason to treat you badly though, none of it. You have the stress of a newborn too, what about you? Are you happy? Its not your fault that he says nasty things and treats you badly. That is his decision, he chooses to treat you like that because he has you believing you deserve it. You don't. You can't make him change, and for the nice him to stay. The nasty him is the real him, the nice him is just to keep you there. Most abusive men say the right things, and can be lovely sometimes. They'd never get anyone to stick around if they were like that at first or the whole time.

Start questioning, start talking to other people. Ring Women's Aid, see if they think his behaviour is abusive. Start waking up and seeing this for what it is, abuse.

I'm so sorry, it's a shock to think it but you DO have a choice. You don't have to just accept his treatment of you. Get real life help around you. You don't deserve this and you can choose to change this by leaving but you can't make him change. Only he can do that.

[scuzy]

thank you inatrance. you have definately given me something to think about.