Can controlling / abusive husbands every change

[WentworthMillerMad]

Its hard to know the full details but a Wonderful friend of mine has been in what I consider to be an awful, abusive and damaging marriage.
She has covered up for him for years but a few months ago he left her and her 2 year old and 6 month old baby. She decided to 'out him'. It turns out he has done this many times before, including when baby was 2 weeks old. That was 4 months ago and he is still living with his parents and refusing to talk.
He feels he is hard done by if he has to do any child care (friend works full time), he drinks heavily and smokes. He gets angry if she buys a CD, he gets angry if she is having fun. She now lives alone with the kids.
Disclaimer - the rest to follow is my opinion:
He is a controlling wanker who drinks heavily and smokes. He punched her in the face on her 30th birthday.
I say start divorce proceedings - there is no way back.

Last week he started writing cards and they finally met for a
Long talk........he wants to start fresh....says he will change.

She Feels very confused. I will support her whatever she decides as I can't imagine how hard it must be to be alone with 2 kids.
I am posting this to see if anyone has been through this and come out the other end with their marriage now thriving!
Can men like this ever change? ?
Any opinions greatly received. I feel I am the biased interfering friend who only has negative views on him!

[molly3478]

no,no and no

[hathorinareddress]

He will never change.

Get her the Lundy Bancroft book - it's called "Why Does He Do That" iirc

But she is the one who has to see it and you can't make her.

What you can do is be there for her and never let him push you away - don't be too critical, just keep seeing her and hope that someday she gets the strength she needs to finish it for good.

[neuroticmumof3]

Everyone can change, but abusive men very rarely do. Their behaviour works for them and they like being in control. Perpetrator programmes have a small 'success' rate with changing these men but they take a lot of commitment and time to complete. It doesn't sound as if anything within this man has changed at all. If she takes him back he might behave for a few weeks but then it will be business as usual. She should read 'Living with the Dominator' by Pat Craven and/or 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. Both are available quite cheaply on Amazon. If she can understand more about how abusive men work and think she may not feel so confused.

[ValarMorghulis]

I don't believe that such things are impossible. It is just that in my many years working with women who have been/are being abused, i have never ever known a man to just "get better"

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Men like the man you describe rarely change and more often than not they do not because all this is too deeply ingrained within their own psyche.

Protestations of change are commonplace but if she was to properly analyse what he has said, he has likely taken no responsibility for his actions nor is really prepared to make any changes.

I would see if your friend can obtain a of "Why does he do that" written by Lundy Bancroft. Controlling men are often angry men too. Womens Aid as well are well worth taking to. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour; even though he is away from her now he is still trying to exert power and control e.g getting angry at her purchasing a CD for instance.

Time for your friend to strike out on her own without the millstone of her H around her neck; she will be dragged down with him otherwise if she takes him back. Children need good and positive role models; this man is patently not and is abusive.

[WentworthMillerMad]

Thanks everyone. In many ways it is none of my business but I want to be a good friend and will try not to be critical.
IMO life is actually easier without him, ie, he does NOTHING and it just means more laundry for friend!

[RandomMess]

Nope, he's just missing having someone to sh*g without having to put any effort in.

[WentworthMillerMad]

Thanks I will get the books you have mentioned

Just to add one his day off from work he was in charge of the kids.
He CHOSE to spend 4 hours in the pub, with the kids.
He buys smokes but friend can't buy a CD grrrrrrr

[WentworthMillerMad]

Agree random
Plus who can he control now?

[Livingmagicallyagain]

If he is one of the very rare ones who can change, that is irrelevant right now. He won't change if they stay together. One of the few things which may contribute to his change is if he loses everything.

It doesn't sound good. She might leave him permanently. She may take him back. It may go on several times. Please just remain her friend, don't judge her or tell her I told you so. If she is in a controlling relationship it may be hard to take her control back, and she can't have her friends trying to do that for her. Not saying you will! It is frustrating to see it, isn't it? SOunds like you are being a lovely friend.

This site has good advice about the signs of real change.

[ISayHolmes]

You say you want to be a good friend, I think you should give her your honest opinion as well as say that you'll support her whatever she does..because she will be walking back into a very bad situation. Be frank and honest about what you think. You could save her years more misery.

[struwelpeter]

One good way of quietly showing your friend that she is better off without this excuse for a man is to help her have a good time with the DCs on her own. Be supportive of her as a single parent, treat her as you would someone whose OH has walked out because of any other twuntishness.
Less laundry is one thing, but more fun, more laughter, a happier home without him will slowly sink in. And encourage her not to contact him or want to contact him except for maintenance for the DCs.
She will need to grieve and will be full of hope that he could change, could want to support his DCs, might see that he has lost his family. But the more she is distracted the more she will detach.

[toptramp]

Oh he's trying to suck her back in with his niceness. It's called ''hoovering''. Classic behaviour of abusers. He wants control and he wants to fuck with her mind.

[WhereAreTheCakes]

Yes they can change.

Temporarily - when the female has the power to make her own choices and has decided he is not wanted. Then they are docile, loving, attentive etc.

But this won't last - as soon as she takes him back - he will be back to what he was before

[Lueji]

Personally, I'd recommend that he tries to get better while they are apart.

It will be easy for her to see if he has really improved or not, as he deals with the difficult situations that will arise.

Allowing him back now is effectively telling him he doesn't need to make the effort.

[BertieBotts]

Buy her this. www.amazon.co.uk/Verbally-Abusive-Man-Can-Change/dp/1593376537/ref=pd_sim_b_7?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Then insist she read it before she allows him anywhere near her :( I second all the other books mentioned too, but this one has a title that perhaps may sound more appealing to her.

You could look into the freedom programme for her if there is one near you, or some form of domestic abuse counselling. It is extremely difficult to extricate yourself from an abusive partner, and even harder to do so if you have not examined yourself and the thought patterns which perhaps make you more vulnerable to abusers. This is not to say that everyone who is abused has somehow invited it, but that often abusers find it easier to wear someone down if they hold certain thoughts and beliefs, about themselves or about relationships, and it will be a lot harder for him to "get to" her if she has any of these which she can work on.