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Relationships

Horrible mess of a relationship, don't know what to do

68 replies

HorribleCloud · 03/02/2012 01:38

I have name changed for this.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been getting help for some time and for the last few years I have been improving but it's a long slog.

Live with my DP, been together for 2 years, no kids. Things haven't always been easy but now they're really at a bad point I think.

I currently only work about 20 hours a week. I'm trying to get more work, but it's not that easy and I'm not even getting any interviews when I apply for jobs. He works full time, and earns good money (£28000 a year).

Until last week, I was full time, so I'm ok for money this month but next month I'm going to be skint. I'm so scared. All my money will go on rent and transport and then I don't know what I'll do. I can't claim any benefits because he earns too much.

I asked if we could talk about it tonight, and he said "look, I'm not going to let you starve, but I don't want to be in a relationship where you rely on me for money, I've always said that." To be fair, he has always said that - but I'm so upset. He earns enough to support us both, but says he has no money left at the end of the month - next month he's going to China with friends, he's just paid £40 for a ticket to a club night, he buys lunch every day because he forgets to bring the lunch I make him...meanwhile I'm trying to spend nothing except on the bare essentials.

I'm ashamed to say I totally lost my temper with him tonight and slapped him on the arm. I feel so guilty and have come to sleep on the sofa.

I honestly don't know if I'm being unreasonable to expect him to cut back and help me out a bit more. Or should I just end it? I really don't know.

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squeakytoy · 03/02/2012 01:44

Do you have family, do you have a place you can move back to?

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HorribleCloud · 03/02/2012 01:49

Not really. Parents live in the south west, but there are even fewer jobs in the town where they live.

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LeBOF · 03/02/2012 01:54

I think you'd be better off moving out and claiming benefits. He clearly isn't going to support you as if you were a couple. By the sound of it, you'll be on your feet in no time.

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MitchieInge · 03/02/2012 01:55

hmmmm

  1. he is not exactly rolling in it
  2. you can't go around slapping people (I am such a hypocrite)
  3. have you tried DBT? That is a bit of an aside, but some people rave about it. Or mentalisation based treatment?


It doesn't sound like it's working out, do you have a cpn or someone you can talk to about housing options?
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HorribleCloud · 03/02/2012 01:57

I never said he was rolling in it, but that's enough to support two people for a little bit.

I can't get DBT in my area.

I think I should move out too, but I'm so scared. He's my best friend and I don't want to lose him.

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HorribleCloud · 03/02/2012 01:59

I just feel so hurt. I can't believe that in the end what's splitting us up is money. It's so shit and pointless.

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MitchieInge · 03/02/2012 02:05

It's really not the money that's splitting you up though is it? I'm sorry.

Can you apply for NHS funding for outpatient DBT, at nearest Priory hospital maybe? It's not available where I live either so it's either inpatient at a cygnet hospital or once a week at the priory for ages.

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HorribleCloud · 03/02/2012 02:08

My mental health isn't really the issue at the moment. I am getting therapy.

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MitchieInge · 03/02/2012 02:10

Don't know why I'm going on about dbt, sorry, was thinking bit longer term. Don't suppose there is funding for anything much now. Looks like I'm making the BPD responsible for everything when there must be other things going on - he doesn't sound very committed to a thick and thin, rough with smooth partnership.

You need somewhere to live first :(

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HorribleCloud · 03/02/2012 02:12

He's not very committed you're right. It's awful because I really love him and want him to love me back. But he wants money totally separate, doesn't want to rely on me for anything or for me to rely on him.

Looking at this benefits website, I'd be able to get half my rent paid with housing benefit if I moved out. No idea if it would be enough.

This is so horrible. I have no idea what to do.

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HorribleCloud · 03/02/2012 02:23

You know, looking at it, there's just no way I can support myself living here.

I have no idea what to do, I can't believe he's being like this. He said "I'll give you money for transport, but I don't see why I should miss out on stuff because you are skint".

I don't even know if that's ok in a relationship. I know if it was the other way round, I'd never think like that, I want us to have the same money.

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MitchieInge · 03/02/2012 02:24

I suppose I was thinking about support for you, are you getting therapy through the CMHT? Wondering if they could help with housing options.

It must be very painful. Wish I could think of something actually helpful. My daughter has BPD and I know she would struggle in that sort of environment, rights or wrongs of everything else aside the lack of unconditional support and love would be very harmful to her I think.

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HorribleCloud · 03/02/2012 02:28

Thank you for understanding. It is horrible, I feel so confused and I have no one I can turn to.

I'm not getting therapy through the CMHT, it's through a charity. Maybe I should go to the doctor and try to get some help tomorrow.

I just want to run away.

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MitchieInge · 03/02/2012 02:30

I don't know what's ok in relationships either, or I would be in one. But you do get an idea of what sort of set up isn't ok for you, whether others could thrive within it or not.

Thinking about money have you applied for DLA? If you get that you might qualify for working tax credits. You might be eligible if, for example, you self harm or make suicide attempts?

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HorribleCloud · 03/02/2012 02:31

Have applied for DLA before but been rejected every time.

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Wittsend13 · 03/02/2012 02:31

Cloud, that's not ok in a relationship. He sounds as selfish with money as my ex/ Except I paid for everything while he earnt 3x what I did..

I'd leave as I couldn't put up with that selfishness with money. Either you're in a relationship, or you;re not..

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fridakahlo · 03/02/2012 02:34

As your partner you'd hope that he would be willing and able to support you now. If he's not, then moving out is really the only viable option.
The relationship does not have to end, but I don't think I would be carrying on with someone who put my needs as such a low priority.
This isn't really about money, that is the symptom, the problem is his attitude.

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HorribleCloud · 03/02/2012 02:36

That's how I feel Wittsend. If I ask him, he'll generally pay for things, if I ask, or he'll pay for "fun" things. But even last year before I found a job, I asked him to pay my train ticket as I had to money to go to a job interview and he huffed and sighed about it.

Maybe I should go to my parents this weekend and get some space.

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HorribleCloud · 03/02/2012 02:38

I know you're right, fridakahlo and it really hurts that I am such a low priority. I feel so stupid.

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fridakahlo · 03/02/2012 02:48

Parents for the weekend is a good idea. Would they cover a deposit or help you out at all financially?

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HorribleCloud · 03/02/2012 02:49

They would. I feel pathetic asking, I'm almost 30, but yes, they would.

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fridakahlo · 03/02/2012 02:53

I'm nearly thirty and if/when I leave my other half, I'll be going cap in hand to my mum for some kind of support. As a mum myself though, I understand that when you have a child that is sort of what you sign up for.
I hope they pamper you and cheer you up somewhat xx

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Wittsend13 · 03/02/2012 02:59

I'm almost 30 too and my parents were life savers when i found myself in a bad situation recently. Don't be like me and end up being pregnant before you decided to act on it!

Go and see your parents and talk to them Cloud. And don't feel pathetic. You're their daughter. Everyone makes mistakes no matter how silly we feel. Good luck and hope things work out for you :)

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HorribleCloud · 03/02/2012 03:04

I can't really talk to my parents...wish I could, but we are not close and they hate talking about my mh problems. They can be nice enough, but they don't want to hear about that stuff.

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fridakahlo · 03/02/2012 03:12

Mmmm, yes, families can be a bit weird about that sort of thing. My parents are the same. My dads view is any sort of suffering can be sorted with a brisk walk daily and my mums is she will listen to you blather on but do not expect any sort of feedback/support/reaction. Hmm

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