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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What is it with men and porn ????

35 replies

mcmum · 20/01/2006 19:43

Am I the only woman in the world who's husband is obsessed with adult porn channels and internet sites, we have had ongoing problems with this for years and even went to relate and I have threatend to leave him several times the last time approx six months ago he promised never to go on again yet low and behold he we are again Ive given that many idle threats to leave that I think this time I need to go through with it as he obviously thinks he can just do what he wants when he wants. We have very active sex life we are only in thirties and have been together for 15 years we have 2 children but he is obsessed with my having sex with him and another man at same time. Help I feel like im going mad i feel degraded sick and empty

OP posts:

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starlover · 20/01/2006 20:03

oh i think most men are obsessed with sex/porn etc etc!
don't have a problem with it myself... even sort out dp's porn from time to time!

mcmum · 20/01/2006 20:09

but my dh thinks im his porn queen and is desperate for three some that he goes into detail about it every time we have sex !! can they not just do normal sex or make love for change

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notasheep · 20/01/2006 20:10

I have problems here too,and if the roles were reversed and i was looking at Black men with large.... dp would be devestated

mcmum · 20/01/2006 20:10

i didnt mind at the beginning of relationship it;'s the fact that he does it behind my back then thinks he can reinact it with me!!!!

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notasheep · 20/01/2006 20:11

Its all about trust

busybusybee · 20/01/2006 20:12

MCMUM this is horrible - I would never put up with that!
Did he talk and think like that when you first met?

Yuck Yuck I hate porn!
You have my sympathies

starlover · 20/01/2006 20:13

presumably you have told him it's never going to happen?
does he realise he is in danger of losing you because of some fantasy he has?

notasheep · 20/01/2006 20:15

So he wants you to have sex with another man?!!!!!!

mcmum · 20/01/2006 20:17

thanks for replies !

no never used to mention it at beginning but basically his fantasy is for me to perform oral sex on another man while he has sex with me, even if he does not say anything the whole time we have sex he is watching my mouth and i know what he is thinking, i have never agreed to actually go through with it but to keep him happy i have tried to put up with his fantasy as long as porn watching stopped, but it hasnt by accident found a search engine he was on yesterday and was sickened by what he had typed in to search basiscally about wives who f~~~ and s@@@ !!! am i being a prude here or am i right to ask him to leave !!

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notasheep · 20/01/2006 20:19

Do you love him,trust him,cant live without him?

mcmum · 20/01/2006 20:21

to be honest i dont know answer to any i thought i loved him but my self esteem has gone i feel beaten and cannot be bothered i want a man who loves me for me and who can make love to me without treating me like a tart !

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mcmum · 20/01/2006 20:24

notasheep

did you say you have similar problem ? how does porn make you feel ?

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QE2 · 20/01/2006 20:41

Whilst not belittling the problem you have with your dh/porn, I would say that pretty much most men want to bring their fantasies into the bedroom to share with their partners.

I know for me and dh this can play a big part of our sex life. He has his fantasies, I have mine and we sometimes share them with each other which mostly adds to things. There are times, however, when, like you, I long for dh to just make love to me without the need for this. I mean, he does, but those times are few.

I like porn, we watch it alone, and we watch it together. We often talk of threesomes but we have an unspoken "rule" that it never becomes a reality.

The problems arise when one partner wants to take this further. Are you sure that your dh does actually want to make it a reality? I bet if you said "Well I've got Mr 10" stud from 5 doors away coming round at 9pm tonight so I can suck his cock whilst you shaft me from behind," your dh would shit bricks.

Personally, I would let him have his porn - you know if you banned it, he will still look at it, so it's not worth fighting a losing battle. Just tell him you don't want to hear about it every time you make love.

mcmum · 20/01/2006 20:49

QE2

Thats just it - we never make love and quite honeslty looking back i dont think we ever have and ive had enough ! i deserve some respect but i dont think he knows the meaning of the word

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starlover · 20/01/2006 20:52

i have to agree with qe2... i think the majority of people fantasise while having sex, at least some of the time!

in fact, it sounds like the problem here isn't the porn, or the 3some... but the fact that you feel undervalued and in a way unloved/unwanted?

maybe you need to sit him down and tell him exactly how it makes yuo feel.. tell him that you want to feel wanted and you want him to make love to you without the need for it to be something more than that...
maybe you could discuss ways that you could "spice things up" a bit... so that you both get what you want/need without it having to be pure fantasy

mcmum · 20/01/2006 20:56

have done hand cuffs cat suits etc etc but not enuff maybe im just getting boring in old age and want more loving and cuddling. I know in my heart i dont want him anymore

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starlover · 20/01/2006 20:57

maybe that is part of the problem? that you don't want him?
not meaning to make light of the porn issue... but maybe it is an easy get out? to blame the porn etc so that you don't have to be with him any more?

on the other hand, maybe i am reading too much into it!

notasheep · 20/01/2006 21:23

mcmum-i think porn should be very seperate from real life relationship with my dp.
I have found stuff on dps computer and it has scared me.Do i know the man i am living with,trusting?

My ex husband was a gambler and now i feel i am in a similar relationship(dp not a gambler) trust is not there.

Sex life is ZERO as the first thought i have when i get into bed is what i found on computer

mcmum · 20/01/2006 21:30

notasheep,
thanks for coming back having been watching for you. I think if it is one sided and one partner wants porn and one does not if they agree not to watch it then they should stick to it, the fact that he has betrayed my trust so many times is what makes me want out not just because i dont like porn.

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notasheep · 20/01/2006 21:31

Agree-for me it really is the trust issue

mcmum · 20/01/2006 21:51

i dont know what to do. I have given him so many chances he knows how much it hurts me but still does it. If i dont leave him he will just take a lend of me more. why can't he be happy with me for me

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notasheep · 20/01/2006 21:53

Are you prepared to carry on like this for the next 15 years?

Would sex/relationship counselling,Relate help?

What does he want?

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QE2 · 20/01/2006 22:21

I absolutely agree that if it is one-sided then that is not fair and if you had an agreement that he didn't look at it and he has gone back on his word then it must be very difficult to trust him.

Seems to me that in your heart your relationship is over.

notasheep · 22/01/2006 21:59

mcmum-how are things this evening?

forestfern · 23/01/2006 00:56

mcmum

You should not accept what is wrong in your heart.
Men in society today have this easy access to safe eroticism. I wonder if this has been a back-lash to the liberation of women.

They still underneath want So to be in charge, of everything.

Dont give in. Find my plight if you like. I could not have had a more adoring partner at the outset, but I was better looking and more intelligent than he was and I suffered this. We now have a child and had I known how deeply involved he had been in porn I would never have had a child with him - I thought he was just tired! I accused him of being spent afterbusiness trips, actually trur, but he denied it.

I hate being lied to. I can never trust him again after the lies. To me it is like an affair, but many women dont see it this way. I dont know how they deal with the lack of romance? Maybe they were a bit more Jungle-wise at an early age but I still look for the Darcy-Heathcliffe match I am afraid!

What really would happen if you go with these other men? Would he come to his senses, be jealous, maybe turned on? You should not have to test it.

However, if I had had the guts to test, I may not be where I am am now, in a marriage with less love than I would like. If not for the young child, I would have tested it to the final point to see what I was dealing with, then got up and marched on. If you do this, test it to its nthe degree, stop short of the sex, get up at post then and then leave.?

It will save years of wasted time wondering about sexual compatibility. If he was about to let you go through with it - you will know that the relationship is wrong. I would have tried this if not for the child.

Good luck. You are certainly not alone in your feelings of hurt and betrayal. Soceity still has a long way to go befor equality can be antyhign a but a game for a laugh.

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