Mumsnet Talk

No, I can't believe I am giving air space to H either.
Tbf, he had to let himself into my house to do it

Today's bizarre events:

On returning dcs this afternoon, dc2 had wet herself in the car so I stripped her and a mucky dc3 for a bath immediately on their return and H asked for some disinfectant for his car-seats. Gave him all the stuff, told him to leave it by the front door when he'd done but I had to go and supervise the dcs and shut the door. Whilst I was running the bath he let himself in with his old key (have only changed the bottom lock) and found him downstairs (he said he needed the toilet). Told him to leave. He told me I was rude for shutting the door on him and it was his house as well.

I said I didn't want him there as his presence upset me and I certainly didn't have a key to his house and just walk in. He said again it was his house. I said it won't be when we move to X. And then I thought why hold back:

"And whilst I am being frank, I don't want to get back together with you, our marriage has been over for quite some time. Don't distract yourself with pie in the sky thinking , but concentrate on what is most important which is the serious issue at work and finding a new job. I am polite and usually kind to you (apart from right now) as you are the children's father, but don't misconstrue it for anything more."

He said 'no' to the marriage being over. Told me I was wrong. Said I had upset him. I said it was all about him. He said, "No, it wasn't at all" and was insistent I listen to him about "us". I said there is no "us". He still insisted I listen to him, that I had had my say, but I hadn't listened to him. I said I need to get back to the kids, they're unsupervised in the bath but (to get rid of him) but I would "listen" to him on Monday or Tuesday when the kids weren't around, but don't turn up unannounced, but I knew my own mind. Told him I like my life as it is, to which I was told, "I didn't"

still with ya

sorry for nicking the last post on your old thread

By nature am not confrontational, I do it badly and feel crap/guilty afterwards.

I don't want to hear what H has to say. I know I don't have to. But it's going to be such a wearisome effort to stop him (at every drop off) that I think just get it over with.

And as for his getting remarried delusional ideas. My god.

get a series of large cards

1/10

2/10

3/10 for effort

"fuck off"

"don't make me laugh"

that kinda stuff

Thought it was most apt AF you should have the last word, as you do so have a way with them:

"as soon as he opens his gob, you need to say "STFU, nothing you can say has any relevance for me""

Quint, don't think this latest is motivated by financial worries per se should he lose his job. He might try and rock up here if he did (would not be welcome/we'd lose our home) but his parents might take him in. But we represent security and family and nothing so highlights the reality of his crap choices than seeing us here happy, I suppose.

But the delusional aspect is concerning. No one in their right mind could think what he is proposing would go down well with an exwife. But he says everything like he's being totally reasonable.

Have asked FIL to talk to him about what his priorities should be but has told FIL he is too upset tonight. Usually Sat eves are with the OW. If things have gone wrong there, he should learn to stand on his own two feet, like me and the dcs have had to.

The audacity of the man is astounding!!!

What a fuckwit!

VB you are going to be fine .. he is a weak moron .. glad he's realised what he's lost and isn't going to be getting it back

LiarsWife, totally agree with your first two points! Haven't been on MN for a while because of problems with dc3 (who has a referral to a consultant paediatrician now) so sorry if I have missed your thread although your name says it all.

Not sure though that he's realised anything or if he has, he's firmly refusing to countenance it. I think he genuinely thought that his relationship would work out with OW but if it didn't, he could come back to me. I loved him totally but now I don't and he hasn't accepted that. Maybe I've confused him by being dignified and polite, when in fact I need to tell him to fuck off as AF advises as it would be therapy for him

I highly recommend it, VB

you wouldn't be having to thrash out your confusion and weirded-out ness on t'internet with strangers, if you did

clear and no-nonsense is the way to go

So next week you sit, and you listen, and you say not one single word. You fold your arms on your chest.

When he stops, you say 'Thank you for sharing. Listening time is now over,' and you get up and pay your tab (because this talk is going to happen in a cafe or somewhere else public) and you leave immediately.

You are not going to argue with him about the fact that it is over if you say it is. That is the road to madness. Let him take it if he wants, but you know very clearly that it is over, and frankly when one partner says it is over it is. If he wants to clap with one hand then let him.

Thanks for the straight-talking, AF and MA. Have listened. Makes me feel calmer and more clear headed which is what I needed.

Yep yep, I have nothing to add to the wisdom of AF and MA - more power to you, V.B. - cheering you on from the sidelines here.

God, it's ludicrous isn't it?

My jaw is on the floor at the idea that after all he's put you through, he can't accept that your marriage is over!! Maybe AF is right and a well-timed "fuck the fuck off" is what's now needed.

Hi blackcurrants, and it certainly is. MN has helped so much, am where I am now because you guys. AF says Internet strangers, which of course you are, but you have been a god-send. The generosity of those who have taken the time to post guidance, humour and have the ability to cut to the heart of the matter has been amazing. The number of times that a thread has resonated and there's been that light-bulb moment is uncanny. MA's advice for dealing with H next week it spot on and the clenched up feeling in my stomach has dissipated

In RL, ILs are conflicted, they find H's mental health a real concern & stress and they do wish we could get back together even though they know that isn't going to happen; my side of the family make lots of disapproving noises; another friend is all for supporting H's mental health to keep him employed which is a very fine line to walk where H is concerned.

So, thank you.

You've had brilliant advice to which I can't add anything, but to cheer you up: I saw one of those '40s style postcards recently with a nicely dressed man on it holding up his hand, and the caption was: "OFF is the general direction in which I wish you would fuck."
I'll see if I can find it for you. Seems perfect, somehow

I like that, Jacks

I shall pinch it, for future use

Seriously, this man does not deserve your good manners. The only acceptable response to his pathetic witterings is "piss off and whine to someone who gives a shit"

Have reluctantly agreed to meet H on neutral ground tomorrow, fairly early so am not dreading the time leading up to it and have better things to be doing with my day. I expect nothing has massively changed in his life, regarding OW or anything really, so it's going to be some kind of hedging bets/rehashing our marriage type thing to make himself feel better - bleurgh. Will do as MA says which is listen and leave.

FIL has taken over and is giving him a mixture of advice and short shrift.

VB, I don't agree that you should be meeting him to talk about your "relationship" at all (what relationsip ???)

but it seems you are willing to, which is far more than he deserves

I think you should make it clear this is the final time you will agree to listen this shit

and mean it

no more caving in

listen to

Hi VB! Sorry I missed the end of your last thread but I get the general gist! Am at the sheer brass neck of the fool. How dare he presume to know your mind better than you do? That's so fucking patronising! Kicking him to the far side of fuck would be a very good plan but a tad rough on your DC, I suppose [grudging]

I think you should sit and listen with closed lips. Let him do all the talking, give him absolutely no encouragement or feedback until he's finished, then do what Math says, say thank you for that and walk out. Or if you want you could twist the knife a little by saying that as he has been lying to you for x months, you have no reason to believe him now and quite frankly you don't and never will again. But that might be too much. Cut him off and walk out - far better plan - good luck!

Good Lord, some of you are much nicer people than wot I am

Wait, no, look, what? He's telling you your marriage isn't over while he's still regularly dating the OW? How's that going to work, anyway? You take him back but let him out to see her on Saturdays? Yeah, that's cool

Anyway, it doesn't matter what the deluded loony says. You've had enough, and he can't stop you having had enough however many meaningless words he strings together.

Don't know if this applies to exH, but I recently realised that the manipulation technique I was most vulnerable to was the sort where the other person asks questions rather than makes statements - so they can draw out my vulnerabilities and also pretend my answers "agree with them really."

So now I stonewall: "I'm only here to listen to what you have to say," "We're not talking about me," etc.

Btw, though I'm at this latest development with exH, I'm in awe of everything you've done. I couldn't post on your threads for a while because it brought back too many painful memories. I also found myself resenting that my dad hadn't stood up to my manipulative mother more and protected us - but thinking about it, not only did she use us children as the jam in the sandwich, but, she would turn round and screech "abuuuuuuuuse" if ever my dad said "no".

For years I blamed myself at least 50% for my bad relationship with her. Then one day I decided to forgive her - and immediately realised this wasn't the issue. The problem wasn't the things she'd done in the past; it was who she'd revealed herself to be as a person. Not a person I would want anywhere near me.

Now in my 40s I've cut contact and the relief has been tremendous.

You and the children can make a future together, in which he is no more than the optional extra to them that they are to him. Building any relationship in which they depend on him is opening them to a life of continual painful disappointment and possibly blaming themselves when he jerks them around.

Good luck.

Here it is: off you fuck picture.

Having read through again, I had a reaction like Annie's: what the hell, he's with someone else but your marriage isn't over? Hang on, don't they call that bigamy?? At least they do where I live.

Good luck today. I don't feel much qualified to give advice, since the relationship queens have your back (I mean that in the very best possible way, you are all brilliant) but I'm great at handholding and support. So, will be thinking of you and hoping your foot slips and not-so-accidentally kicks exH in the balls. If he has any.

VB - I was gutted to see you here again.

I recommend this course of action - phone him and tell him the next man you meet with will be someone you like and respect. Someone you find so physically attractive you can't wait to get them back home.

So it won't be him. He is an absolute arse. My ex told me that he would take me back if I could tell him I hadn't fucked anyone else. (his words). I pointed out that I'd left because he'd abused me for 6 years and, no matter how hard things might get for ds and I, Hell would freeze over before I ever went near him again.