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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Separate lives but living together...can this work?

12 replies

ashamednamechanger · 05/01/2012 23:18

DH and I no longer a couple.... in the sense that we have not had sex for over a year, well not with each other anyway, have limited communication and in all honesty I can't bear the sight of him pretty much
I have seen a solicitor who seems to think that we can legally live in the same house (as I can't move out with nowhere to go) but separately, with me claiming benefits for me and the DCs.
I find this very strange, but apparantly legal so.....

What I need to know is does anyone else out there have this set up?
can I really claim benefits (as he is going to cut off any access to money)
AND, most importantly, does it work?

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 05/01/2012 23:19

I doubt it will work long term, no. I also think the benefits issue is extremely dodgy.

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northcountrygirl · 05/01/2012 23:26

Emotionally I think it would be very difficult - especially as you say you can't stand the sight of him.

WRT benefits - I believe you can claim as a single person as long as you are not "living as a couple". Not an expert by any means, but I believe it involves things like not eating as a family amongst other things. you can google this for clarification.

I would trust your solicitors advice on this one to be honest,

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ashamednamechanger · 06/01/2012 22:56

Yes, emotionally it will be hard, but have no choice.

On the one hand I refuse to continue in this charade of a marriage.

On the other hand I have absolutely nowhere else to go and he refuses to leave so am stuck.

I have no income, no close family and no savings, so what chance do I have?

I can't just pack a bag and stand out on the street with 3 DCs can I?

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RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 06/01/2012 23:58

Yes you can do this, but have you also looked into how you would stand if you divorced?

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demolitionduo · 07/01/2012 00:11

I do it & have done for 3 years. Tax credits authorised my claim knowing this & I do get extra. I'd not manage without as he will not contribute to household costs or anything for the children, other than paying the mortgage (though it's only small). I work 30 hours per week around school hours.

It is a hideous way to live & breeds contempt and real hatred. At the moment I have no choice (stalemate with legalities & I can't afford any more legal costs and don't qualify for legal aid).

My boys accept it as 'normal' now but it's a very grim existence for me. I don't have friends over as if he is here the atmosphere is awful & I don't want my friends to feel uncomfortable.

I am left doing 98% of the childcare whilst he gallivants with his new girlfriend-which leaves me quite isolated.

Seriously, if there is any way of finalising your separation then I'd recommend you do it. I am being destroyed mentally & physically by my current 'existence'.

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Pickgo · 07/01/2012 01:15

I did it for far too long a few years, it was awful the worst time I've had in my life. My confidence and self-esteem hit rock bottom, a day rarely went by when I didn't cry, I was very stressed much of the time and started getting panic attacks. The worst part was worrying what effect it was having on DCs.

IMO even moving into rented accomodation and being hard up is so much more preferable. Get your sol to start process of asset division and bring it to a close asap. If you are married then the likelihood is that if you own your house your X will have to go. If it's rented then you can rent somwhere yourself and claim housing ben.

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ashamednamechanger · 07/01/2012 22:37

OMG, you both sound like you've been through the mill.
In my case, I don't really see how my present situation could get worse.....I already do 99% of the childcare, chores,parent's evenings, school plays, etc. He has not given me a pennt towards food or clothes for DCs ever since they were all born, so if he cut off money now it would make no difference whatsoever.
ATM it's basically like having a 4th child. Have even had to stick a sign up in the bathroom asking him to use the bog brush after he's used the loo. I accept that I may have to clean up shit after 3 young DCs, but not after a grown man, FGS.
As for money, well, as he constantly likes to remind me, I and the DCs would be living in a cardboard box on the street if it wasn't for him!
He pays the mortgage (house in his name only). He pays for gas, electric and water bills. He pays for car insurance....admittedly, I drive it majority of time taking DCs to school. But ultimately it belongs to him. Don't care about that, will just go back to using the bus.
He pays for SKY subscription. Not bothered about this either as there's only ever shit on TV and I don't give a toss about SKY Sports (his main priority).
I get DCs up in the morning, dress them, give them breakfast, get their stuff together, take them to school, come back, clean, do laundry, cook meals, do their bathtimes, put out the dustbins, clean the catshit off the garden, thake them to the cinema, swimming, etc. And all he does is go out to work for roughly 25-30 hours per week, then spends the rest of the time playing golf or prostrate on the sofa hogging the remote control.

So, tell me, how much more miserable can it get......very little I should imagine.
In fact the benefits would be that I would not be expected to shag him, cook for him, iron his clothes, etc and I would probably receive a regular, steady amount of money from the state for me and the DCs.

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demolitionduo · 07/01/2012 22:53

It's rubbish isn't it?

He might own the house but you are married & still have rights to it or at least some of the equity. Go & see a solicitor- you'll get a free half hour & will likely qualify for legal aid too.

I have no life at present apart from my boys- of course I love them dearly but I crave a normal social life & being able to have friends over etc.

I'd not wish what I put up with on anyone & if there is any chance of a way out, push for it! Good Luck.

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ashamednamechanger · 07/01/2012 23:32

Have already had my free half hour with solicitor. He was the one that advised me not to move out and to live 'separately' in the same property.

Yes it is shit, but I am making plans, of a sort. Over the past few months have been selling my stuff on ebay and then buying stuff such as new beds for the DCs. So when we do have to leave at least I'll be able to say "well that's mine, cos I paid for it". So then at least the DCs will have something to sleep on. Have also been collecting stuff on freecycle, such as Sofas and tvs and then storing them at my brother's house.
I am hoping to go when youngest starts school but that's not till September, so long wait! However I know HE won't leave so have no choice. Just trying to accumulate as much stuff as possible for the day we have to move into some hovel.....beter than this existence now I suppose.
I realise that even though the house is in his name I can force him to sell and give something to me and DCs. I also know he will fight me all the way......money is his God and he hates to part with it.
I really know what you're going through so you have my sympathy.

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skippylou · 07/01/2012 23:55

Having been in this position I can only suggest use this time to build your self up and believe in what you can achieve when you set your mind to it. It takes times to step outside the security that a marraige/relationship offers but you can do it. Trust in yourself and set small goals. And relish in the lovely DCs you have and where ever you have to make a home, it will be your home. Stay positive. AS how you live now isnt good i know where youre at and its incredibly difficult. It will take time but beleive it will be ok and it will. take care and all the best x

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solidgoldbrass · 08/01/2012 01:11

The solicitor doesn't sound like much use. Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Because this man is abusive (depriving you of money and making threats), and nowhere near as all-powerful as he would like you to think. A court might force the sale of the house and a share of the profits given to you as you are married and it is the family home - you might also be able to get a court order to remove the man from the house and prevent him from returning.

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ashamednamechanger · 08/01/2012 09:59

I need a solid plan really, don't I. Leaving on a whim will damage the DCs more than me, so will research some older threads on here regarding legal stuff, housing, etc.
Planning to leave in September when youngest starts school, but ATM that seems sooooo far away.
Am trying to squirrel as much money away as possible and am making a checklist of all the furniture and stuff that I, not he, has paid for. At least that way we'll have something to sit on!