Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

So how long to leave the sex thing? Am I being a prude?

29 replies

BoratsGal · 20/12/2011 20:33

It's been a while (a LONG LONG while) since I've done the dating thing and I've found I really don't have a clue what the norm is. Help me analyse this please -

We met through work, had a chat, laughed lots, exchanged numbers - that was the meeting.

1st date he called and asked if I wanted to go to a nice little pub for dinner one evening. I agreed and said I'd meet him there, despite him offering to pick me up (well I hardly know the guy, he could be a nutter for all I know! was I being too careful here?) The night went really well, obvious spark there so we arranged date 2.

2nd Date - cinema. He offered to pick me up but he would have had to pass the cinema to get to my house. Therefore I said I'd meet him there. He bought the tickets, I insisted on buying the food (although he said he would buy it all had I let him). Had a great night, went for a drink in the bar afterwards, he hugged me in the car park afterwards and then we went our separate ways.

3rd Date - piss up a few drinks on saturday night. Neither of us were driving so I met him there again. Had a great night, lots of fun, loads in common, I really like him, its apparant he really likes me. We stayed out until midnight, had a little kiss and he got me a taxi home.

4th date - he called and asked if I wanted to go to his house, he would cook us a meal, get a bottle of wine, watch a movie. I agreed. At this point I'm thinking about sex, unsure where I stood on it and assumed I'd know at the time. Was I naive here? is it obvious sex was a part of this night? So I got there, we had a drink, he cooked a lovely meal, we watched a movie, half way through we started to kiss, he started to try and take it further (wandering hands) and I realised I was leading him on a bit and backed off. It was a bit awkward. He asked me if I was on the pill, I said no (true). He got us another drink. We started kissing again a bit later on and he asked me if I wanted to stay the night. I'm not ready and said "maybe next time?" and he seemed fine with this.

He's been fine since and we're going out thursday night. What I'm wondering is, am I being a dick tease here? what is the norm? Is HE being totally normal in this? Is it normal for him to ask about the pill etc so early on? Or is 4th date not early on these days?

OP posts:

Report

molly3478 · 20/12/2011 20:53

Personally I would of had sex on that 4th date as it seems like a perfect sex situation. Depends why did you not want to do it?

coffeesleeve · 20/12/2011 20:55

If you're going to be having sex with a new guy, you need to make sure he uses a condom! (But you knew that already!)

You're not being a tease - you should not have sex with anyone if you don't want to. Inviting you to his house & cooking you a meal doesn't mean you have to have sex with him. If he's put out by not getting any, then that's his issue!

I have to admit that I usually boff a bloke after the 2nd or 3rd date, but then I always meet guys online so spend a while getting to know them before we meet, IYSWIM.

But you should do what you feel comfortable doing.

globalmouse · 20/12/2011 20:56

If you're not ready, you're not ready. Don't put pressure on yourself to do something you're not ready for.

maleview70 · 20/12/2011 20:57

seems pretty normal to me. At least he now knows he needs to sort the protection! Howver if you dont feel ready then just say you really like him but would like to wait aa bit longer

coffeesleeve · 20/12/2011 20:59

At least he now knows he needs to sort the protection!

Even if the OP was on the pill, condoms are still a must with a new partner! (I hope I'm preaching to the choir here!)

toddlerama · 20/12/2011 20:59

Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with just because someone tells you it's 'the norm'!

BluddyMoFo · 20/12/2011 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maybenow · 20/12/2011 21:01

i wouldn't say that fourth date was particularly early [slept with my DH on the second proper date ]

but it all sounds fine to me, he asked, you asked him to wait, he is waiting.. do you fancy him? do you want to sleep with him? maybe keep dating to public places until you do want to sleep with him to avoid any awkwardness...

ninah · 20/12/2011 21:04

make like nike and just do it op
he sounds lovely

WhingingNinja · 20/12/2011 21:04

He sounds very nice and whilst clearly he wants to have sex with you, he isn't seeming overly pushy.

i would say that your telling of the dates the 4th date seemed a good time for the first sexual advances, but if you aren't ready you shouldn't feel pushed into anytihng you don't want to.

Is there some reason that makes you feel less inclined to have sex with him?

I think if you are still feeling uneasy about it all then it may be worth maybe saying "i really like you, we are having a great time but its been a while and im just not ready to progress to a sexual relationship just yet"

then see where it goes. He will either be happy to wait and help make you feel comfortable enough that that day comes sooner, or he will show his true colours and become pushy or sulky.
Either way, you know where you stand without making yourself feel bad.

molly3478 · 20/12/2011 21:05

No I dont think 4th date is early slept either with DH week and a bit after meeting him, but would have slept with him on 3rd day but we had no where to do it. I think its hard to stop if your really attracted to them

MenopausalHaze · 20/12/2011 21:06

I can't helping thinking that if you really had wanted to then nothing on earth would have stopped you. Seems to me there's an inner voice there telling you to hold off for whatever reason - maybe you're not really all that into him? Anyway - always listen to the voice!

MyChildDoesntNeedSleepAtXmas · 20/12/2011 21:07

You don't sound like you want to have sex with him yet.

So please don't.

ABumDance · 20/12/2011 21:08

It did seem like a good sex situation but I really don't think you did anything wrong by saying no, he seems normal enough and it's good that he asked about protection as some men don't care. I waited a month, we work together so I know him, it was mainly because we were enjoying talking etc. You will know when you feel ready. HTH

BoratsGal · 20/12/2011 21:09

I am very attracted to him and I think this is half the problem, I'm frightened of messing it up. He's the first person I've EVER clicked this much with and I suppose I'm just scared to take it to the next level incase it all goes wrong. A bit like blowing up a balloon and being scared of it popping if you go too far. I've had bad experiences of being dumped after sex, albeit a long time ago but I like him so much I'm frightened it happens again.

(He had condoms so was obviously prepared to use them).

OP posts:

Thankgodforcaffeine · 20/12/2011 21:26

Well, in my experience if a guy is happy to wait, then he is likely to be a decent bloke.

As long as you feel ready and you are just hesitating because of what may happen after you have done the deed, then maybe you should take the plunge?

And if he DID turn out to be a total waste of space who dumps you after sex, then wouldn't you want to know now before you really fall in love?

coffeesleeve · 20/12/2011 21:28

Boratsgal - I can TOTALLY relate to the fear of being dumped after sex. It's happened to me a few times too, and always with a guy I really liked sigh

Sorry to bang (fnar) on about the condoms thing

BoratsGal · 20/12/2011 21:32

That's ok Coffee - I'm a little obsessive about condoms too, even if I was on the pill I'd insist on condoms for a few months at least!

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 20/12/2011 21:36

He sounds like a good bloke

You are sensible to go at your own pace though...anything else is crazy

GooKingWenceslas · 20/12/2011 21:40

Looking back, I wish I had stretched it out much longer with DH (think I managed about 2 weeks) because you never have snogging sessions like that ever again once you have The Sex?

ameliagrey · 20/12/2011 22:29

If you have to ask us then it's something you are not comfortable with. when the moment is right for you, you'll know.

MooncupGoddess · 20/12/2011 22:32

Sounds like you have done exactly what is right for you! Never, ever have sex unless you really want to - and also, the more sexual tension, the better the sex will be in the end. I have had sex on the fourth/fifth date a couple of times and regretted it, I thought I was ready but in retrospect it would have been better to wait a bit longer.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

fuzzynavel · 20/12/2011 22:42

Yes, don't have sex until YOU are ready, if he's a good bloke (and he sounds like it) he will wait.

I personally wouldn't over think this though and go with the flow.

Mine was 4th date. I had to know all was what I wanted downstairs by then, imagine waiting 2 months and he's pants in bed! How dissapointing would that be!

Good Luck!

babyhammock · 20/12/2011 22:42

No rush..do it when YOU want to. If he gets arsey or pushy then he's no good anyway.
I have to know someone ages and ages before I'm ready to take it further...

fuzzynavel · 20/12/2011 22:43

*disappointing?

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.