I am posting here because there is no "like" button in relationships, and it is sort of relationship related. I dont want anybody plaster this out on anybodys facebook page.
Anyway, here goes.
My sister has been struggling with her 16 year old daughter lately. She is normally very sensible, but I feel that one of the KEY elements in their relationship is that my sister is more friend than mother. This has worked well so far.
My niece is 16. She has a friend, Sarah, who is 15. Sarahs family is from Iran. They are quite conservative. My niece has a reputation as a "good girl", she does not go out much, she does not drink (aside from a glass of wine with good meals). Sarah was allowed for a sleepover to my niece.
Niece kept asking her mum if she was allowed to go to the youth club. My sister said no. 1. She had a sleepover, 2. It was a Sunday night and school the following day.
Niece and Sarah came home, my sister was working in the garden. A little while later, both girls appear, all dolled up in my nieces clothes, nices says to my sister "Ok, we are off out then." My sister asked "Sarah, are you allowed to go out?" Sarah said yes, but my sister did not believe her, knowing how strict her parents are.
And then the girls made their escape. My sister has health problems, and is not fast, so did not manage to stop them. Niece did not pick up her phone when my sister tried calling.
There is no way Sarahs parents would allow their daughter out to clubs on sunday night. They trusted she was in safe hands with niece. My sister did not appreciate being manipulated and used like this. She was really stressed out.
- Her own daughter was not allowed to go out, 2 she was with a younger girl whose parents trusted their dd was safe in my sisters house.
My sister rang Sarahs parents and left a voicemail saying what had happened, she then left a text on daughters phone saying she had told Sarahs parents what had happened, and asked the girls return home.
Sarah was crying, saying her parents would send her to grandparents in Iran and have her married off. Niece was furius with mum, and refused to accept that she had any wrong in what had happened. Neither had much sleep. It is part of the scenario that both girls left the house at 1am as my niece was supposed to take Sarah to a waiting cab outside, and then they disappeared, and my sister had to go out and search for them in the night, and found them at 2 am. Sarah refused to go home, saying her apartment building would be locked, her father would beat her up, etc. So my sister brought both girls back home. Sarah left at 8am. My sister has not heard from Sarahs family.
My niece got a piercing high up on her ear the other week. The piercer had said she would not recommend that place on the ear due to high risk of infections. Niece went ahead, and she is now on antibiotics due to infection. She saw the doctor yesterday, who recommended she take it out. She refused, so doctor prescribed washing in boiled cooled salt water and soap, morning and evening. My niece needed help with this, and my sister was not happy, saying she had to take the consequences of her own actions, both in getting the piercing against advice and in refusing to take it out against doctors advice.
My sister was also very frustrated, both by the incident the day before regards to Sarah, and the piercing, and then could not find her passport, and was swearing as she was looking. They are due to travel tomorrow.
Niece thought (rightfully I would say) that my sisters frustration was because of herself only, and laid into my sister. Shouting and screaming that she was a bad mum, she was too sensitive, too on edge, and that she was forever threatening to send her to her dad to live if she could not behave with more common sense. The result is that my sister is now a nervous wreck, and has spent most of her night crying. Niece has not slept either, and refused to get out of bed this morning and missed her last day of school, by refusing to get up. My sister rang me, in tears, saying she has had enough.
The mum daugther relationship is ruined, she can go live with her dad, and she herself will eat an entire box of diazepam because she is not fit to be the mother of a teenage girl with all the lies, deception, manipulation and intrigue that goes on between the girls.
I honestly dont know what to advice. I dont have girls, I dont have teenagers, I have NO clue.
What I do know is that niece is eager to please, eager to fit in, strong headed and stubborn, very bright, can be exceedingly selfcentered and spoilt, but also very anxious and traumatized after her fathers behaviour over the last 10 years or so.
My sister is pretty much a bundle of nerves, and extremely soft, and is easily hurt.
Any advise?