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Relationships

Sister have had enough of TEEN daugther after she and her strict muslim friend lied and went clubbing

28 replies

QuintessentiallyShallow · 20/12/2011 12:29

I am posting here because there is no "like" button in relationships, and it is sort of relationship related. I dont want anybody plaster this out on anybodys facebook page.

Anyway, here goes.

My sister has been struggling with her 16 year old daughter lately. She is normally very sensible, but I feel that one of the KEY elements in their relationship is that my sister is more friend than mother. This has worked well so far.

My niece is 16. She has a friend, Sarah, who is 15. Sarahs family is from Iran. They are quite conservative. My niece has a reputation as a "good girl", she does not go out much, she does not drink (aside from a glass of wine with good meals). Sarah was allowed for a sleepover to my niece.
Niece kept asking her mum if she was allowed to go to the youth club. My sister said no. 1. She had a sleepover, 2. It was a Sunday night and school the following day.

Niece and Sarah came home, my sister was working in the garden. A little while later, both girls appear, all dolled up in my nieces clothes, nices says to my sister "Ok, we are off out then." My sister asked "Sarah, are you allowed to go out?" Sarah said yes, but my sister did not believe her, knowing how strict her parents are.
And then the girls made their escape. My sister has health problems, and is not fast, so did not manage to stop them. Niece did not pick up her phone when my sister tried calling.

There is no way Sarahs parents would allow their daughter out to clubs on sunday night. They trusted she was in safe hands with niece. My sister did not appreciate being manipulated and used like this. She was really stressed out.

  1. Her own daughter was not allowed to go out, 2 she was with a younger girl whose parents trusted their dd was safe in my sisters house.


My sister rang Sarahs parents and left a voicemail saying what had happened, she then left a text on daughters phone saying she had told Sarahs parents what had happened, and asked the girls return home.
Sarah was crying, saying her parents would send her to grandparents in Iran and have her married off. Niece was furius with mum, and refused to accept that she had any wrong in what had happened. Neither had much sleep. It is part of the scenario that both girls left the house at 1am as my niece was supposed to take Sarah to a waiting cab outside, and then they disappeared, and my sister had to go out and search for them in the night, and found them at 2 am. Sarah refused to go home, saying her apartment building would be locked, her father would beat her up, etc. So my sister brought both girls back home. Sarah left at 8am. My sister has not heard from Sarahs family.

My niece got a piercing high up on her ear the other week. The piercer had said she would not recommend that place on the ear due to high risk of infections. Niece went ahead, and she is now on antibiotics due to infection. She saw the doctor yesterday, who recommended she take it out. She refused, so doctor prescribed washing in boiled cooled salt water and soap, morning and evening. My niece needed help with this, and my sister was not happy, saying she had to take the consequences of her own actions, both in getting the piercing against advice and in refusing to take it out against doctors advice.

My sister was also very frustrated, both by the incident the day before regards to Sarah, and the piercing, and then could not find her passport, and was swearing as she was looking. They are due to travel tomorrow.
Niece thought (rightfully I would say) that my sisters frustration was because of herself only, and laid into my sister. Shouting and screaming that she was a bad mum, she was too sensitive, too on edge, and that she was forever threatening to send her to her dad to live if she could not behave with more common sense. The result is that my sister is now a nervous wreck, and has spent most of her night crying. Niece has not slept either, and refused to get out of bed this morning and missed her last day of school, by refusing to get up. My sister rang me, in tears, saying she has had enough.

The mum daugther relationship is ruined, she can go live with her dad, and she herself will eat an entire box of diazepam because she is not fit to be the mother of a teenage girl with all the lies, deception, manipulation and intrigue that goes on between the girls.

I honestly dont know what to advice. I dont have girls, I dont have teenagers, I have NO clue.

What I do know is that niece is eager to please, eager to fit in, strong headed and stubborn, very bright, can be exceedingly selfcentered and spoilt, but also very anxious and traumatized after her fathers behaviour over the last 10 years or so.

My sister is pretty much a bundle of nerves, and extremely soft, and is easily hurt.

Any advise?
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QuintessentiallyShallow · 20/12/2011 12:35

oh boy, this is long..... Confused sorry

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VivaLeBeaver · 20/12/2011 12:36

Mmmm to be honest I think it sounds fairly normal 16yo growing up, testing the boundaries behaviour. I think that saying the relationship is over, talking about the girl going to live with her dad and the mother eating diazapan is way OTT. Has your sister said she will eat a box of diazapan? She needs professional help if this is enough to have her threatening suicide.

I was bunking off to nightclubs at 16 never mind a youth club.

My advice would be that your sister needs to tell her daughter off, make it clear why she was upset and issue a punishment such as being grounded, etc.

I really hope that the Iranian girl is ok.

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Rhinestone · 20/12/2011 12:36

"Sarah refused to go home, saying her apartment building would be locked, her father would beat her up, etc. So my sister brought both girls back home. Sarah left at 8am. My sister has not heard from Sarahs family."

Never mind the rest of this 'drama', has anyone thought to contact SS . the police?

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miaowmix · 20/12/2011 12:38

I have no advice on teenage girls other than remembering being one myself, and honestly? I don't think this behaviour is that bad... it's just fairly standard teenage rebellion, isn't it? Especially if there's a strict background involved with one of the girls.
My parents were liberal but I still climbed out of my bedroom window to sneak out to a party when I was about 14... and the rest. It's standard I think - and not trying to belittle at all, but I think your sis needs to give herself a break and stop blaming herself.

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VivaLeBeaver · 20/12/2011 12:46

God I missed that bit about the father saying he'd beat the daughter up. Someone urgently needs to find out how that girl is doing.

I had a housemate at uni who's best friend was Muslim and was on the run/in hiding from her family after a similar incident. This girl was in serious fear for her life. I'm not saying all Muslim families would be like this at all but it is a possibility.

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Snorbs · 20/12/2011 12:53

Honestly? The best advice I could think of for your sister is to calm the fuck down and stop being such a drama queen.

Teenagers are going to push boundaries, throw hissy fits and do things you don't think they should. That's just what they do. But your sister is supposed to be the adult and, quite frankly, it sounds like she's behaving like a stroppy teenager too. I don't know the history between your sister and her DD's father but if his behaviour is so bad it has left DD traumatised then threatening to send her off to his place is bordering on cruel. And it sounds like your sister has used this threat more than once. How unwanted must your niece be feeling?

Your niece's behaviour over going to the club with her mate is wrong and she should get the appropriate consequences - grounding, removal of mobile phone rights, whatever will make the point the best. If her friend's domestic situation is as bad as it sounds then that needs to be taken up by the relevant authorities. But your sister needs to remember she's supposed to be a grown-up.

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AMumInScotland · 20/12/2011 12:58

Sounds like a normal 16yo girl to me too! And her mum sounds like she's over-dramatising things if she does keep threatening to send niece to her dad, says the relationship is ruined, etc etc.

She needs to sit niece down and talk about why it's a bad idea to run off without saying where you are, staying out late without clear plans for getting home safe, leading other girls to defy their parents, and so on. And then develop a proper relationship with her, where they can deal with things.

The other girl is the real worry - if her family have genuinely threatened to beat her up or send her to Iran to be married off, then she is at serious risk and needs support and possibly police help. She ought to be the focus here, not your sister and niece, who will manage I'm sure!

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Kayano · 20/12/2011 12:59

more worried for Sarah atm

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QuintessentiallyShallow · 20/12/2011 13:00

I tried to tell her that niece is within the normal range of teenage girl behaviour, based on my own memory of having been a teenage girl, and friends, and that sister is too hysterical and sensitive.

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CailinDana · 20/12/2011 13:04

I have to agree with the others - the daughter's behaviour was quite mild in comparison to many teenagers. When I was 16 I went out, got drunk and ended up leaving my paralytic friend in hospital as we were worried about how much she was vomiting. When I told my mum she said "Well you know now what'll happen if you drink that much." She was right.

It sounds like your sister isn't coping. She has majorly overreacted to a relatively minor incident. Is she depressed?

I would also second what others have said about contacting Sarah's family urgently.

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Rhinestone · 20/12/2011 13:11

Seriously OP, your sister and niece are not the priority here. You really need to get them to call the police or id you know where Sarah lives then you need to do it.

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Rhinestone · 20/12/2011 13:11

if, not id

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QuintessentiallyShallow · 20/12/2011 13:16

My sister is depressed. She has ME, and arthritis, and scoliosis. Her life is not really great.

I am not sure the other girl was truthful about her parents reaction. My sister think she was just trying to prevent my sister from contacting them and playing the sympathy card.

My sister has had no reason to suspect her father would behave like this in the past, which is why she had no qualms contacting them in the first place. Her father used to be my sisters student at uni, when she was teaching marine charting and navigation many moons ago.....

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CailinDana · 20/12/2011 13:20

It sounds like your sister has it really tough :( She needs support, fast. It sounds like she might go over the edge. Are you anywhere near her? Are you able to lend her any practical support?

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usualsuspect · 20/12/2011 13:22

Your sister needs support ,shes overreacting massively

Would she see her GP for Advice

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QuintessentiallyShallow · 20/12/2011 13:23

She is outside the eastern coast of Africa, and I am currently seeing parents in the north of Norway, so not near at all.. They are joining us tomorrow, so will be travelling 24 hours, stop over in Oslo, and be here midday thursdag.... I am worried about her. She said she was not sure she was up to either pack or travel, as she has had two nights without sleep, and busy schedule packing and getting ready to go. She said her options were either send her dd alone and let her dad pick her up in Oslo, and spend Christmas alone in GC, or they both stayed. I have managed to convince her to stick to original plan so they ARE coming. Honestly, I think two weeks on her own with top her.... Sad

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QuintessentiallyShallow · 20/12/2011 13:25

I think she is overreacting because she is not well, and trying to support her dd through school. Dd has also ME and suffers from really bad migraines, so has been really unwell this automn.

I am not surprised that she wanted to have fun with her friend, she has stayed in and studied, or been unwell since August!

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Rhinestone · 20/12/2011 13:46

OP, I'm finding all this rather hard to follow and I'm rather disappointed that you're so blase about the need to check up on Sarah.

I am not sure the other girl was truthful about her parents reaction.

Astonished that you have any way of knowing that when you're in Norway and all this drama was taking place somewhere on the east coast of Africa (which must have changed since I lived there as can't say there was much of a teenage girl clubbing culture but hey ho).

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yellowraincoat · 20/12/2011 13:51

I would make sure the other girl was ok.

Then I would tell the sister to get a grip, because seriously, this is normal teenage behaviour. Should be punished, but it's hardly the end of the world.

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QuintessentiallyShallow · 20/12/2011 14:13

Rhinestone,
I am not blase about it. I just have no way of checking up on anybody right now, I dont know them, they live somewhere in the south of Norway, they are currently on holiday where my sister lives, they are in a rented apartment complex! The family used to live there, and have returned for a Christmas break. Many muslims go away from Norway during the Christmas period, this family have chosen to go to GC rather than their native Iran.

My focus is on my sister, who sound in a very dire state at the moment.

My sister was going to phone Sarahs parents and enquire about her. I dont know more than that.

To top it all, my sister rang in tears that her suitcase has broken. I dont want to add to her worries right now. She is in an extremely fragile state of mind.

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FatGoose · 20/12/2011 15:06

lol this has made me remember a lady i used to work with who was muslim. She tried to keep her daughter, who i think was about 19/20 at the time on a very tight leash, which of course never works. The girl got piercings which her mother dragged her down to the local hospital to have removed, she got a boyfriend, which mother disapproved of to no avail. Mother even tried to micro manage her life when she moved 100 miles away to University. LOL still makes me laugh about it now

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Get0rf · 20/12/2011 15:12

This all sounds very sad - your sister does need help. Your niece has behaved very badly, but to be honest it is all a storm in a teacup kind of thing, it is not the worst thing that a teen has ever done. Your sister's reaction is very worrying though. Saying that she wants to swallow pills and send her dd to her fathers over a mild infraction like this is really OTT.

She sounds terribly lonely and isolated, plus I imagine she is in an awful lot of physical pain - that is enough to upset anyone mentally, constant pain is so all consuming, it can feel like it is sending you mad. I am very pleased for her sake (and yours) that she will be with you tomorrow, time to talk through how she is feeling. Does she have any support in Africa at all?

I would also worry a lot about the Iranian girl. Is there any way you can try and get hold of her?

Poor you QS - you have had what seems like a terrible year, what with your worries about your mother and everything, I hope you are OK.

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QuintessentiallyShallow · 20/12/2011 15:18

Getorf.

It is a good job we will all be under the same roof in my dads house!
She does not have anybody really. She had one friend down there, but her dd had a nervous breakdown and had to come back to Norway. She had a male friend, who died suddenly just before Christmas last year, my sister did not know until she returned back from holidays. But this was at the same time as mum was sectioned (gosh our lives read like a bad novel), so it was all a bit much.

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Get0rf · 20/12/2011 15:40

Christ, does she have to stay in Africa, can she not go back to Norway?

I think if you can it would be a good idea to have words with your niece. She is an adult now, old enough to realise that she shouldn't piss about and cause your sister worry when she is in a lot of pain and feeling so low. Mind you, if your sister reacts like this, I can almost see why your niece would say 'fuck it' and bugger off out. It must be very hard.

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QuintessentiallyShallow · 20/12/2011 15:59

She is not in Africa, just outside the coast, on GC. Spain seemed so "misleading" geographically. She is there for health reasons, she is LESS ill and in less pain there.

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