am going crazy from sexual frustration!

[goingslowlynuts]

very long story but gist is...hubby has NO sex drive, mine is through the roof. We've always been like this (been together 15yrs). Has always been an issue.
Have rowed and cried and talked it to death. Nothing changes.

I love him so much, he looks after me, he's my rock and soulmate. I fancy him. We get on so well, have a laugh. He's very affectionate, lots of hugs and kisses, lots of compliments, I feel very loved.

However, I am desperate for some sex, some passion, someone to touch me. I feel like my life is just passing by without sex. I've lost lots of weight recently, had hair done..I look good (though I say so myself!) and it's just made it worse..now I'm thinking what was the point of all that effort of the diet and exercise...am still not getting any.

I used to be able to sort myself out and did frequently - this helped a lot. However, he's off work at the moment so home all the time so I can't get any 'alone' time. I've been ratty and quiet last few days...and near to tears. I can't think straight.

I realise I have just as much of a problem as him, my sex drive is out of control..his is non existent.

There's no answer I know..but I just really needed to get it off my chest.

Thanks for reading.

[DoesNotGiveAFig]

I feel your pain, my DH is the same! He has no sex drive either and recently I lost weight and stuff too. I hate feeling like he just doesn't fancy me.

[fiventhree]

If either of these men has a problem, they should talk it through.

Actually, I dont think they should deny you any kind of a sex life and swear you to fidelity if they are not interested.

But I would open negotiations, if necessary.

[keynesian]

I don't see why your H being home means you have to stop masturbating? It's nothing to be ashamed of so why shouldn't he know?

[QueenCess]

Masturbate in front of him. It will let him know you have needs and might, er, encourage him a bit. You could always ask him to sort you out sexually. Not unreasonable and he may just like it if the pressure is off of him to perform.

[ConfusedGirlSuze]

Yeah. Same problem here too. It's so disheartening isn't it?
Like other posters have said - let him watch you. Or if you're not into that surely you're alone in the shower? xx

[PamBeesly]

Is it physical frustration or a lack of intimacy and connectedness frustration? If its physical only masturbate and see how you feel afterwards. If its the second then you really need to have a real good talk and explain how you feel, and he can also explain why his sex drive is shot. There is great intimacy in talking, not rowing or being confrontational but actually listening to each other. He sounds, from your OP, like a good guy and he should be open to talking about it, sexual expression is very important.

[piestomake]

what about some mutual masturbation? or let him watch as others have said. without knowing full details ...he may just have low sex drive as you've said and be afraid that physical contact with you will inevitably lead to penetration or a full on long session in bed. Maybe if you reassured him that sex was off limits but you'd just like to enjoy touching each other? most people enjoy being stroked. Start from there and see how it goes. Its unlikely this relationship will ever be highly passionate but some physical intimacy can be reclaimed. Is he depressed?

[goingslowlynuts]

thanks for all your responses, i appreciate the advice and suggestions. However, we have talked and talked about it...talked our sex life to death...usually ends up with one or both of us in tears.

I've suggested massage, oral, masturbation, me sleeping with other people with his consent. Nothing interests him.
He knows I masturbate, he doesn't want to watch. I have suggested it, he looked disgusted....he once walked in on me doing it, looked horrified and embarassed and walked out again. We joked about it afterwards, he's not anti it, just doesn't want to know/watch.

I can and do masturbate while he's in the house but difficult to get right into it, watching porn, toys out when he's pottering around downstairs making a brew etc - do you know what I mean?

I feel very selfish and vain but basically I want someone to touch me, play with me, turn me on and basically make me feel like I'm fancied and wanted.

He's not depressed, he's always been like this, and I've always had a high sex drive. I thought I could live with it because the rest of our marriage is 99% great!

Sometimes I can go for months coping but sometimes it just overwhelms me...guess this is just one of those times...

[JackMatthias]

Er...he is heterosexual, isn't he?

[Malificence]

Jack, when you've been here a little longer, you will realise that there are a lot of men ( and women) who have little or no interest in sex, they are basically asexual.

I would suggest if he's that uncomfortable about you needing sexual stimulation, he has some issues , most people who love their partner but don't particularly want sex very often or at all, would at least help out their partner sexually, his level of utter disinterest seems extreme.

[goingslowlynuts]

thanks for that Jack...yes he is...he has no problem getting it up, he responds very well to a bj, we've got 2 kids. When we have sex he enjoys it but we never have it.

I have asked him if he's gay, he says he's not and I believe him. He is not a very passionate person about many things in life so think his lack of passion about sex is just reflective of his personality. Don't think it's any deep rooted thing.

[piestomake]

that was my initial thought! a male friend of mine came out 2 years ago in his mid 40s. He always went out very glamorous , very sexy women but he seemed so asexual. One of his exes became a friend and she told me he just didn't like having sex but she didn't think he was gay. To most people he just seemed one of those asexual people.

[JackMatthias]

Just askin'. I didn't just mean that he night be in the closet, he could also be asexual.

[mummakaz]

My DH goes through patches of not wanting it but even if he doesn't want sex he will offer to cough use my toys on me and Kisses and touches me whilst he's doing it. I think he should be making an effort to satisfy you imo. I think you need to talk to him about given you a 'hand' if he isn't wanting sex

[ImperialBlether]

OP, do you think there's a physical reason? Is he very overweight? Did he have a higher sex drive when you first met?

[LadyMedea]

Pick up a copy of 'the sex starved marriage' by michelle weiner... Worth every penny. Will help you understand his side of things and find a way o talk without blaming.

[goingslowlynuts]

thanks, i will get that book. On a positive note, this year has been the first where we've reached the point where I am no longer angry with him. Have accepted that his lack of libido is no more his fault that my very high libido. I'm not angry with him anymore, just sad.

There is nothing physically wrong with him. He has been like this since I first met him 18yrs ago.

He told me last year, in a teary confession, that he is ashamed and embarassed about his small penis. My heart broke for him when he said that. Since then we haven't talked about or argued about our lack of sex. I feel sorry for him that he should hate a part of his body so much. What can i do though? The thought of introducing toys or even suggesting that to him will, I think, make him feel even more inadequate.

(i feel i should make it clear he has absolutely no problem getting it up,staying up and orgasms every time we have sex..i never do)

[piestomake]

ah , well that's very interesting. I wonder if he feels somehow he is inadequate for being 'unable to give you' an orgasm. Not that a man gives you one, i'm a firm believer in women taking control of their bodies and many, many women cannot climax during sex, and those who do tend to need to get in a very specific position or use their own hand to help tip them over. Ah poor guy, how awful to feel so ashamed . Sounds like you need some help from a sex therapist. I'm sure this has cropped up in Pamela stephenson's Guardian sex column- mismatch of libidos is very common.

[ImperialBlether]

You never have an orgasm with him, OP?

When he does have sex, does he enjoy it? Does he spend a lot of time on it or is he just doing it as a favour to you?

If you were about to have sex and something else cropped up, eg the phone ringing, would he take advantage of that to stop what he's doing?

I just can't get past the feeling that it's terribly selfish of him to not accept the damage he's doing to you.

[ImperialBlether]

Is he physically affectionate? Do you kiss? Does he touch you affectionately?

[goingslowlynuts]

He is very physically affectionate, lots of kisses and cuddles and hand holding. We sleep naked together and cuddle up chatting. As i say i feel very loved and cared for.

If i initiate sex, which i seldom do (due to constant rejection and it always being me) he will go along with it, he'll give oral (if i ask), in fact he'll do anything i ask but i feel as though he is doing it as a favour to me, not getting any pleasure from it. This turns me off.

I used to orgasm with him on a regular.basis years ago, his penis size never prevented this. The only reason i don't orgasm now is emotional. We have dissected and analysed our sex life so much that for me it feels awkward and like the elephant in the room. When we argue he is always v apologetic and says he will try and make more of an effort to be sexual. The very fact that he has to 'try' means i fail to orgasm cos i can only think about the fact that hes only doing it to please me. Does that make sense?

[Smartchi3f]

What is the prevalence of sexless marriages out there with essentially younger couples?would there be a demand for completely safe and legitimate sexual services bought by and for women ..research project

[toffeeapple123]

Have you tried therapy together?

[busybarbara]

If you rub his crotch area while cuddling or hugging doesn't he even get an erection? If he does there's nothing really wrong and he's just making an active choice not to sleep with you which would make me a bit

[ConfusedDH]

OP you have my deepest sympathy as I am in pretty much the same positions as yourself, suffering the same frustration and turmoil, although my wife started off with at least some sex drive which has now declined to zero.

I particularly empathise with your comment stating that because you sense he is going through the motions just to please you rather than enjoying it himself, you get no pleasure from it. Absolutely the same here and likewise, I no longer orgasm as it feels (felt) so awkward.

Like you I stopped initiating due to the constant rejection and plummeting self esteem, hoping that a pressure free, relaxed environment would help things reset in time. (has this ever worked for anyone?) All that has happened is that we no longer have sex, or if we do on the very rare occasion, it's such an elephant in the room, it feels totally unnatural and devoid of any passion or pleasure.

Sorry I can't offer you advise or a solution, but wanted to share that you're far from alone.

I wonder in deep sadness what it must be like to have a partner who wants to make love to you and enjoys doing so frequently. It must feel amazing.