Getting no sex during pregnancy - will we get it back???

[Rubeywednesday]

Strangely, I can't seem to find any posts on this though I'm sure there must be some...

I'm 8 months pregnant and DH has gone right off sex while I've been pregnant. He says it seems weird and wrong and jokes he just doesn't fancy me from the neck down. Not great for my self-confidence but I haven't found it too much of a problem. Speaking with friends i think this is more common than i orginally thought.

Our sex life has always been good previously, although admittedly he has a lower sex drive than me and I usually instigate it. This morning while watching him get dressed i made some dirty comment and he was a bit horrified! he said he can't look at me that way now. I said I just hope we get it back after the baby comes but now I'm worried he's gone off me.

I want to hear from any women who've had the same. How do you rekindle a non existent sex life as new parents? surely with a new baby around it will be ten times more difficult? will I ever be able to seduce him again?

I should note that I genuinely don't think he's having an affair or getting it elsewhere. We're very effectionate towards each other and have a great relationship - i just think he's stopped viewing me as a woman with needs!!

[TopazMortmain]

Interesting... I cannot think of anything worse than sex right now and I still fancy my DH so I would not take it personally.

No advice sorry - hope someone wiser comes along

[TopazMortmain]

Ps am 8 months too - that info would have been useful...

[NotMostPeople]

I've had three babies, and DH went off it each time - a little frustrating for me. Each time it's come back with a vengance, so much so that my youngest two are only 11 months apart.

Dont' worry.

[Rubeywednesday]

Thanks TopazMortmain - I'm not necessarily horny.... just missing what is being denied to me! always want what you can't get i imagine.

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy and labour

x

[Rubeywednesday]

thanks NotMostPeople.... thats reassuring, and also very impressive!

[NotMostPeople]

The first time I didn't want him to be 'down the business end' during the birth in case it put him off. I couldn't stop him as it was 'fascinating' - wasn't the word I'd use. Obviously didn't put him off.

[Witchofthenorth]

Don't worry too much it comes back :)

I am 38 weeks just now and DH is doing his duty standing to attention to try and set me off , although he does have a weird thing about my waters breaking whilst doing the deed:)

TBH I don't find it particularly enjoyable just now as its quite difficult to reach parts if you get my drift:)


We had a practically non existent sex life for the entire second trimester and up until about a fortnight ago, but it was moreme than him. It will all settle back down in time:)

[HairyNigel]

DP told me he just doesn't lust after me anymore when I was PG, he really didn't fancy me. I could kind of see what he meant though cos I was HUGE and if roles were reversed I hate to admit that I would feel the same. Also when we did have sex it was just awkward and rubbish cos I couldn't move much so we just gave it up in the end.

Didnt take long after DS was born and I'd got my head around the whole having a baby and sleepless nights thing that we were right back on it.

I'm sure you'll both rekindle the romance after baby is born, don't worry :)

[mathanxiety]

You don't have all that much to get back to if it ever does get back, if you initiate sex most of the time and he seems to have a lower libido than you do even when you are not pregnant.

Sorry, but I would be worried if I were you. If you are unhappy enough now to post here, and have mentioned what has gone before in terms that didn't exactly make it sound as if all was rosy, then I would hazard a guess that you are not really too happy with the way things have been going. Does your DH know this? How much have you talked about the issue? Does he care?

Been there, bought the T...

[mathanxiety]

'Our sex life has always been good previously, although admittedly he has a lower sex drive than me and I usually instigate it.'

Is this cognitive dissonance do you think? How do you really feel about this, if you sit down and try to sum it up.

[Spuddybean]

oh dear - i am finding this thread very depressing. DP and i are ttc and i would expect him to still want to have sex with me. You are in love with the person, not just their body.

And i would also think with all that the woman has to go through to have baby the least the love of her life can do is desire her.

I think this is a sad indictment of men not really realising what women's bodies do and the fact they are not just there for their pleasure.

I would be seriously angry and would probably leave DP if he couldn't find me attractive when i was carrying his child. I would resent it after and never want him physically again.

I wouldn't expect PIV all the time tho. Are you doing other stuff OP? or is there nothing happening at all?

[birdybirdy]

Alas, from my point of view, we've not done it since a month after my baby was concieved and that was in Feb 2010....so work that out, it's soon to be 2 years!! My partner didn't want to have sex with me when I was pregnant, it's very common, I think men find it weird when there is a little baby growing in there....however, my sex drive was through the roof!! I just used to masturbate twice a day.....I felt really sexual throughout the middle part of my pregnancy.

It is very upsetting though when your man doesn't want to do it with you anymore, especially when they know how sexual you are feeling....I actually find it very selfish ....I can understand that a man may not want penentrative sex but surely they can pleasure us ladies in other ways.

My partner too has a low sex drive, hence why we've not done it since. There is just not intimacy, it's all been lost.

I really hope for you that you can get things back on track at some point after the baby is born.

My one bit of advice.....try not to leave it too long before you bring up the issue of doing it again otherwise it does become the elephant in the room. However, also, please don't be surprised if you have absolutely no sexual desire at all for the first year, especially if you decide to breastfeed......the mixture of getting over the birth, possibly feeling different about your self and your new role (and body), the utter exhaustion of looking after a new baby etc.....it can take it toll for some people. Others not.

Also, be prepared for every bloody doctor or health visitor to ask if you a few months after the birth if you've had sex yet. Every time I got asked that question I wanted to burst into tears (my partner hasn 't even mentioned sex in nearly 2 years).

I'm sure you will be just fine and you will have a sexual relationship with your partner again. Most important is that you are stil loving and affectionate with each other, that at least creates some sort of intimacy and when the time is right for you to both want sex again just take it slowly and be realistic about your expectations.

x

[Indith]

I don't have the same problem with dh thankfully, he loves it when I'm pregnant. However, when I was pregnant with dd I had no sex drive at all. Being touched, kissed, even cuddled made me shudder and I hated it. That continued all the time I was breastfeeding (almost 2 years). Getting back into sex took time. Quite a lot of time. It also took work. We had to talk about it a lot. Dh had to be told and reminded at intervals what I could stand and what I couldn't, the feeling of being rushed (so dirty comment or something) made me panic and hold back even more. Part of it is making yourself do it and getting back into the saddle but if one person has a loss of sex drive or has built up a few issues it takes a lot of communication and understanding from the other partner. It isn't always just a case of the baby being born and back to normal.

[birdybirdy]

That's what I was saying about being realistic. I think some people before they have kids expect things to just go back to normal after they have a baby and are shocked and upset when things change. I think really this is the sort of stuff that should be discussed in ante-natal groups, not just how to push the baby out and change it's nappy!!

I think that those people who get their sex life back to normal after having a baby are very lucky. I think there are many women who won't admit that things never really go back to normal afterwards. I think some just don't want or enjoy sex again after ( I can't comment as I've not done it yet since the birth!! I do think about it though, alas not with my partner!!!).