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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can it be fixed?

14 replies

Mishy1234 · 19/12/2011 10:55

I have been unhappy within our marriage for a long time. I just don't like my husband. If he was a friend I would have stopped seeing him. He just won't accept how awful things are. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a man I don't love or even like.

We have 2 children (1.5 and 3.5). He says separating will ruin their lives. I think the opposite. I was brought up in an unhappy marriage Nd don't want that for my children.

He won't even discuss it. What can I do?

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PieCherry · 19/12/2011 11:00

Follow your heart.... I was in a similiar situation to you, it was painful in the short term making that break (my DS were 3 & 6), they are now 10 &13, haven't sufferred, bright kids, popular, well adjusted.

Mine and my EXh relationship is now friendly, he seems them every week.

Tough at the time & I questioned my decision, but it was the right thing, just wish I'd done it earlier.

Have you thought of Relate, they can help even if the outcome is seperation.
xxxx

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catherinea1971 · 19/12/2011 11:00

You can do what you want, it is not his decision if you want to split up.
The old 'it will ruin the kids lives' line has been proven to be wrong, they will benefit from living in a happy home, living as you are now is teaching them that they way your marriage works is normal and they will expect that for themselves in the future...

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ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 19/12/2011 11:17

No-one can keep you in a marriage you don't want to be in. You do not need his blessing to leave. Sure, it would make things easier, but if he doesn't want to discuss it, then he doesn't want to discuss it. You can still take action on your own.

Such as speaking to CAB or a solicitor to find out your rights wrt finances and the family home.

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Mishy1234 · 19/12/2011 11:24

Thanks for the advice, I will look into my rights.

If we don't agree then how do I make him leave, or would I have to leave? What happens regarding the children, do they automatically stay with their mother?

I have horrible memories of my parents when I was growing up. The arguments when I was in bed, my father's silence, my mum slowly losing her mind to his indifference. She left once we were grown up, but by that time we were actually glad to see her go as it had become so fraught. Dad appeared blameless due to his silence.

I don't want that for my kids.

How does Relate work? Do I just call up?

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ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 19/12/2011 11:35

All those questions can be answered by a solicitor.

Yes, you just call up Relate. If he doesn't want to discuss you may find yourself going to the sessions alone, though (which might be no bad thing in itself: counsellors can also help individuals work out what they want for themselves.)

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Mishy1234 · 19/12/2011 11:41

Ok, thanks. You have been very helpful.

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Snorbs · 19/12/2011 11:44

Children don't automatically go with the mother. They will generally go with whomever is their main carer although there are no hard and fast rules about this.

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Malificence · 19/12/2011 12:18

Why did you have children with a man you don't like?

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Mishy1234 · 19/12/2011 17:40

malificence obviously I did like him at one point, otherwise I wouldN't have married him! We tried to have children for 8 years before we were successful. It's hard to get off the ivf roller coaster and the process does cloud your judgement somewhat. Was I unhappy because of being unable to conceive or other reasons? That was hard to fathom at the time. DS2 was an unexpected but happy surprise.

When the fog cleared a things became clearer. I'm not the first and certainly won't be the last to make this mistake. I have my children and am thankful for that. It was my chance to have a family and I took it.

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PatsysDouble · 19/12/2011 21:59

We had problems in our marriage - I was ready to give up a year ago, but kept on with it, went to counselling for months, and then eventually asked H to move out about 8 weeks ago. At the moment it is temporary - seeing if space can improve things. I didn't know what else to do.

The thing that stopped me from doing this earlier, was a crippling fear that it would destroy the kids.
The reality has been that they are absolutely fine (touch wood). He comes by twice a week to read bedtime stories and comes over 1 day each weekend. They seem to be quite content with this. On the days that he isn't here, they have the real me with them. The person that is happy and fun. Not the version that has been miserable for a long time.

I am now crippled with the fear of what will happen if I push to make this permanent. Will he try to take them away from me? Can I live with the fallout? Would I actually be able to live with not doing this. After being really quite positive for most of the time, the reality of the 'festive' period and an awful lot of bank holidays is hitting home.

Have you tried going to counselling? It certainly helped me make him listen to what I was saying.

I have posted elsewhere about our situation, but he then registered on MN so I've been quite quiet here recently and don't want to post any links.

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shineybright · 19/12/2011 22:54

patsy am in same situation - H been gone about 3months. He now wants to come back but I feel so guilty not letting him. Thing is I'm more relaxed when he's not here and keep reminding myself that surely that is better for the DCs. Do you get days when you wake up and are sure that you've made the right decision but then also have days of crippling uncertainty?! I do and am hoping this is all normal and part of the process.

mishy hang in there - it won't be healthy for the DCs to live with 2 parents that can't stand eachother. I've decided I'm not going to make any rash decisions just because it's Xmas. This time of year can tug on the heart strings

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Mishy1234 · 20/12/2011 08:51

Patsy, shiney - thanks for sharing your experiences. I think that things can seem more acute at this time of year, but I'm definitely going to get in touch with Relate and look into my rights in the first instance.

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shineybright · 20/12/2011 22:29

Good idea mishy a solicitor will also give you a free half hour preliminary chat to summarise what you're entitled to financially should you split re maintenance etc. I took this opportunity a few months ago and felt great relief when I realised that perhaps it wouldn't be as bad coping financially as I had initially thought. Good luck!

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PatsysDouble · 23/12/2011 21:01

Shiney - can i ask how you have felt not having him at home? How often has he been coming round to visit the kids?
I feel almost guilty about not missing my H at all. I had convinced myself (through things he said I guess) that I would be making the biggest mistake of my like getting him to move out, and would regret it completely, but I really haven't.
If our current arrangements could be maintained I would be quite happy. I don't think they can really and keep putting off talking to him about it.
Hope Christmas goes ok for you both.

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