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Relationships

My mum forgot my birthday :(

10 replies

HairyNigel · 17/12/2011 13:32

She's such a crap mother, I don't know why I bother with her. Long history of her being a crap mum, eg buying me big bottles of vodka to take to the park while I was 14 and not caring if I didnt make it home those nights. She never encouraged me to do well in school. She didnt care about spending time with me as a child so spent most of my childhood doing everything for myself, luckily I had an excellent Grandma and a woman of no relation who took it upon herself to help bring me up. I cant even go in to all the details of what she was like as it hurts to look back on.

I was forced to move out at 16 and moved in with my sister, my mum didnt give a fuck and acted as if everything was normal. She gave my sister no money to help towards food and bills etc while my sister was a single mum on a low paid job and my mum was still recieving matenance (sp?) and benefits for me.
She ALWAYS tells lies, nothing that comes out of her mouth is the truth. She's an alcoholic and she doesn't even care that she's pushed her 2 daughters so far out of her life because of this.

Me and my sister both moved away from where she lives, I am only an hour away on the bus yet she only makes the effort to come see me probably about 3 times a year, the rest of the time I have to get the bus down to her with a very active toddler. She didnt come to see me for 2 months after DS was born :(

She's made no effort to be a "proper" mum and now constantly guilt trips me for leaving her to live alone in a big house and moans about how far away I live. I mean what did she want me to do, stay with her all my life, watching her drink her life away and play constant mind games with me? I had to grow up and move on for the good of my mental health!

I hate her. I have tried so hard this past year to try and form a relationship with her but it's all one sided. She doesn't care about my life she just wants to talk about herself alllllll the time, and now to top it all off, she forgets its my fucking birthday!! The anniversary of the day I popped out her vagina and she can't even remember it, or what age I am, or even get a present! I don't want much, just to know that she cares and she put thought into something.

I want to cut her out my life but every time I do I feel bad and guilty cos she's my mum and you shouldn't feel like that about your mum.
I hate her I hate her I hate her!!!!

OP posts:
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VFVF · 17/12/2011 15:14

I'm so sorry I don't have anything useful to say but am bumping you up until someone useful comes along.

FWIW She sounds like a crap mother and you vent all you like x

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TanteRose · 17/12/2011 15:23

Sad

maybe take a look at the Stately Homes thread here

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MidnightHag · 17/12/2011 15:29

So sorry you've experienced this. Concentrate on building your own happy family and try to cut her out of your life (if you can).

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hellhasnofury · 17/12/2011 15:32

I have a mum like that too. Mine forgot my birthday this year, she never visits me despite visiting my sister who lives just three short miles away but actually, that suits me. it means I am in control of when I arrive and when I leave. If she starts getting out of hand I can just say "Bye, I love you (because I do, she's my mum at the end of the day) and I'll see you soon". I am slowly learning (at the grand old age of 48) that I cannot change her and that her opinion of me is just that, her opinion. It doesn't mean it's true and it doesn't mean that I am not a good, worthy person in other people's eyes. I needed some therapy to get me to where I am today though, something I wish I'd done years ago. My mum stole my childhood and my early adult years, I sure as hell am not letting her take the rest of my life. Would you consider talking to a therapist to help you through this?

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HairyNigel · 17/12/2011 16:36

Sorry you've got a crap mum aswell Hellhasnofury :( A therapist probably would help but I haven't got the time or money for one unfortunately. I wish I could cut her out my life but every time I try I'm wrecked with guilt cos she doesn't really have anyone else that bothers with her. She's pushed them all away with her lies and general craziness.
I'm pretty sure she has some serious mental health issues as from speaking to family members she has never been "normal", she loves a drama and loves to ruin other peoples lives/relationships. I used to self harm, trying to get her to notice me. I did worse and worse things to myself each time and made sure I had my scars out for her to be able to obviously see but it took her 2 years to notice. I was living in the same house as her FFS. She didnt even notice when I overdosed and was lying comatosed with foam coming out my mouth. She just said I'll feel better in the morning and that was that.

I just want a mum who cares about me, I want the mum that I am to DS :(

Sorry for the moan, just haven't spoken to anyone about this and it's really getting to me at the moment.

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Punkatheart · 17/12/2011 20:04

No excuse...she was there at the birth after all!

Sorry to hear this and sending you good wishes and hoping that you do what makes you happiest.

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LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 17/12/2011 20:07

My mum/childhood was very similar to yours. She forgot my 9th birthday, so no-one knew (was living with her at the time. In lots of different care placements blah blah blah...

Now though, she's not so bad. She takes her medication and this has helped a lot.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2011 20:29

"I want to cut her out my life but every time I do I feel bad and guilty cos she's my mum and you shouldn't feel like that about your mum".

Why not?. She let you down abjectly as a child and now she continues to let you down as an adult. You have every right to express your feelings in such a manner and you have every right to feel agrrieved. Why shouldn;t you cut her out of your life entirely?.

You probably feel like that too re your first above sentence because you like many children now adults of such a toxic parent/s, you are trapped in the FOG i.e fear, obligation, guilt. Also society/media does project a very strong image of "everyone has happy families" particularly at this time of year.

You owe her nothing; she abdicated all responsibility for you from a young age due to her own issues which she has never really taken full responsibility for.

Do look at the Stately Homes thread on these pages as well.

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TheTruthNothingButTheTruth · 17/12/2011 21:51

Happy Birthday HairyNigel!!! Hope that makes you feel better.

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Nevertooearlyforcake · 18/12/2011 00:53

Try to block it out and deal with her on your terms only. After several years of my mum deliberately ignoring my birthday (I'm sure) to make a point of highlighting how much she disliked me, she's been a lot friendlier since I had the DDs. I care about her because she's my mum ( and this thread has reminder me that I have nearly and genuinely forgotten her birthday!) but I learned not to trust her 20 years ago and so I couldn't give a shit either way of she acknowledges my birthday or not. If she wants to be so rude then it's her problem and I don't bother engaging with her tedious games.
I find life's a lot simpler if you have no expectations and they are easier to love so less guilt.

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