23 weeks pregnant i've left my partner and i need your help to stay strong ;(

[MillyStar]

I've left my twunt of a boyfriend and i've got a little girl in my tummy i feel so sad ;(

I just can't take it anymore though i just can't handle his drinking, he's my best friend and we get on so well and i adore him sober but he's drinking more and more lately and i can't take it!

I've lent him quite a lot of money and i've recently gone into a debt management plan becuase of the baby etc and getting it all sorted out before my daughter arrives, he knows i'm struggling and as soon as he gets paid he's straight to the offlicense or getting a takeaway or something else to benefit him, i've got the rest of my 20 week scan in an hour and i had to literally beg him for £20 on Tuesday for petrol, car park and scan pictures! He's just the most selfish person in the world and i know he's no good for me or my girl!

He's not bought one thing for this baby not even a £1 pair of socks or offered to pay me any of my money back

I live at home with my parents still and they've said i can stay with the baby, she's got her own lovely room which we are decorating now with an ensuite it really is gorgeous and she will be well looked after and spoilt by my parents there i want to give her the best i can i love her more than anything in the world already

My mum and dad had a lot of problems when i was younger and my mum put up with a hell of a lot to stay together for me and i've always promised i will never ever do the same as i don't think an arguing home is best for a child (theyre in their 60's now and get on and are calm etc so my baby isnt going into this, i would move out if she was). I've learnt from experience that staying in a bad relationship just to be together for your child doesnt benefit them, my mum is a lovely person and ive always felt guilty that shes put up with crap cos i was born when she could have found someone lovely, i never want my girl to feel like that ;(

My ex has a little boy already, he had him on sat and he was drunk and i just felt disgusted that he couldnt wait for another 5 hours to have a drink, thats all the time that little boy gets with his dad for a whole week and he was pissed! His mum and dad were there also so he wasnt in charge of his son drunk he was very safe

We had a huge row on tuesday night, he'd been paid and instead of saying do you wanna go for tea/to the christmas markets etc i went to pick him up and guess what he was pissed! I threw him out of my car and i've just taken his stuff in a bin bag and left it outside his house

I know i've done the right thing, i'm scared of becoming weak and answering my phone when he rings though, it's only been 2 days and i'm still fuming with him but i know that will turn to tears soon

I'm heartbroken that my girl wont have a dad around every day but i just cant put her in that situation with him and i dont deserve it either, i've been very good to him

Please help me be strong and stick to my guns on this one xx

[OldeChestnut]

how old are you
how long were you with him
how long has he had a problem with alcohol

[Marymoo73]

You are so brave sweetheart and doing the right thing. If he's like this before baby comes along, whats he going to be like when he's no longer centre of attention, you are sleep deprived and have baby to look after? You are fortunate to have your parents and a place to live. You deserve so much better than the immature crap he is dealing out. Sending you (()) and x x x

[MillyStar]

I'm 26

Been with him almost 18 months, pregnancy wasnt planned ive got gallstones which were making me extremley sick when i conceived, i should have been more careful

We've both always liked a drink, we met when we were out! Obviously i've had to stop etc with being pregnant and i have nothing against him having a few cans after work but the past month or so he's gone really really bad and he'll be blotto by 5pm when i finish work and go to pick him up, i dont know whats wrong with him lately i think he's on a bit of a bender but i cant risk him behaving for 6 months then being like this again when she's born

I've cried at least once a week for the past month over him which cant be good for her, i read on the net that she can feel saddness now ;(

I know i'm doing the best thing for her it's just so hard, i never thought this would happen to me i need to be strong for my girl

Off for my scan now i'll come back later thanks for the hugs x

[oldwomaninashoe]

You are doing the right thing. His relationship with the bottle is more important to him than his relationship with you or his son, and I am assuming he does not acknowledge that he has a problem. Leave him to it, you have a different priority to him

[sillybillybee]

Someone will be along soon with much better advice than me I'm sure but in my opinion you have done the right thing. I was in a similar position when I was pg with my son and didn't leave my now exp but have regretted staying with him ever since. We did split when my DS was quite young and he has had very little input in his life (even when we were still together he didn't pay DS any attention!!).
DS has now turned 11 and I spent most of his younger years as a single parent (partly my choice - it doesn't have to be like that) and I am continually complimented on how well mannered and behaved he is. From what DS has told me he doesn't feel like he has had something missing from his life so you can successfully bring your DD up by yourself if thats what you decide is the right thing to do.
Being a single mum is tough at times but is also very rewarding too. I now have a DP who has fitted in to mine and DS's life and is not one bit like my exp. I only wish I had been as strong as you and got out of the relationship with exp much much earlier.
Well done for being stong this far and I hope your scan goes well

[lilchicken]

Believe me I learnt the hard way you CANNOT make someone stop drinking if they don't want to. It is no reflection on you. And neither you or your baby need someone who won't put you both before a few pints of beer.

You did, and are doing, the right thing. Stay strong x

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

You have done the right thing. It's an emotional wrench, but it was absolutely the right decision.

He will try to make you weaken your resolve, as you already sense. Please consider changing your SIM card and e-mail addresses, or at least block his calls and e-mails. The temptation to read his texts/e-mails can lead to the temptation to give him another chance: best to remove that emotional difficulty by blocking all communications with him, at least until you are in a MUCH stronger place.

This is a longer-term concern, but I would also be wary of your parents' influence on you, and on your little girl once she is born. If they had a difficult relationship, and you entered a relationship with an alcoholic, chances are that you learned your relationship script from them. They may have calmed down in their old age, but those are still damaging lessons they could teach your child. Also beware of any hold they have on you - feelings of obligation they may expect you to emotionally "pay up" for, for example sheltering you now in your time of crisis.

I hope for you and your little girl that you will soon have a happy and independent life together, you and she, free from the influence of those who would sap your emotional reserves. You clearly have the strength for it: you have proven it by leaving this man.

All the best.

[oikopolis]

You are so brave and lovely. Your daughter is so lucky to have you as a mummy. Stick close to your parents and just take it slow... you only need to get through one day at a time.

Can I suggest looking up local Al-Anon meetings? They're like AA meetings, except they're specifically for partners/relatives/friends of alcoholics. If you find a good one, you'll be amazed at the support you'll get, and what you'll learn. Often it's mostly ladies who attend and they've seen it all, got the t-shirt, and they can help you avoid the pitfalls of dealing with an alcoholic partner/ex.

In the meetings they talk about how to let go of the alcoholic and to realise that their drinking has nothing to do with you (and that you can do nothing about it). Talking to others in the same situation can help you not fall into the trap of returning to him.

Some people go to a meeting every day during hard times, others drop in once a month, there's no pressure. But when you feel your resolve weakening, it's nice to know that you can look up a meeting and go that very evening. Just gives you something concrete to plan towards, so you don't do anything rash.

[DoesNotGiveAFig]

No usefulness to add, bit good luck, stay strong and you've SOOOOOO done the right thing xxx

[fuckityfuckfuckfuck]

Slightly different situation here, my exp left me when I was at about the same stage in my pregnancy with my ds. It was a horrible time tbh. The most important advice I can give to you isto be honest with eveyone about the situation and accept all the help offered. I felt a massive failure and my midwife never twigged anything was wrong, I couldn;t bring myself to tell her that he'd left which was very silly of me. As a result, I had no support and ended up with the most horrific PND. My ex was just anirresponsible idiot, no drinking or anything, but it does sound like you're better off without him. Stay strong, now you've thrown him out do not allow yourself to be charmed by him. He'll probably try and worm his way back in, but with his level of drinking you are truly better off out of that situation. I am that he was drunk in charge of his son. Does the boy's mother know this?
And things WILL get better. I look back on that time of my life and feel so sad about how helpless I felt. That was 4 years ago and I'm now expecting another son with the most wonderful man I could hope to meet. But I needed the time to get over what happened with my ex, and to bond with my son, which took a lot longer than it should have done tbh, if I had just asked for help sooner I would have recovered from PND much much sooner.

[MillyStar]

His son's mum doesn't know she would go absolutley mental, he doesnt usually do that he usually has a drink when his son leaves that's why i know he's getting worse cos it was literally 1pm! I've not met her they dont get on at all so his mum and dad pick his son up and drop him off etc and deal with her it was a one night stand, if they weren't with there aswell i'd get in touch with her and tell her but i know they dont let him out of their sight, i will be in touch with her soon anyway ans he is my babys half brother and i want them to have a relationship, but not a chance on this earth is my girl going there on Saturdays if this is how he's starting to behanve!

I'm not whiter than white i said some vicious things to him on Tuesday and literally threw him out of my car and i've sent him a vile text since, he's not a bad bloke when he's sober!

I feel ok today still feel very angry with him and strong i will just be annoyed this weekend knowing he's been paid and he's out larging it up, he works with my dad and i can bet anything that he doesnt give him any of his wages to bring home to me! I'm going to my friends house later for pizza and films, just such a shit time of year for this to happen ;( I know my girl will be happier for it though, scan went very well she behaved herself for once and showed them what they needed to see, he never even phoned or text asking how it went

[lilchicken]

Sorry am late coming back to this but I just had to say.

Despite what you thin HE IS NOT a great bloke when sober. He was sober when he decided not to send you money. Sober when he decided not to contact you about scan and sober when he choses to have that first drink.

Alcoholism is an illness but that doesn't prevent him from being an arse too.

[vintagewarrior]

You don't need anyone's help! You sound more assertive & switched on than most of the people on here. Your parents will be a fantastic support, you don't that nob around you. Limit his contact to supervised, don't let a drunk near your baby, trust me been there. I have several friends were in the same boat, and none of them would have it any other way now!!
Keep your head high, your gonn be a great mum x