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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Should I stick at this relationship

49 replies

lovelydogs · 14/12/2011 23:39

for the sake of DD? Which basically all it is now, I fear. My boyfriend is not my DD's dad but has been in our lives for 7 years (DD 10) He is a good, hardworking man who has done very well in his job and has good points, we get on most of the time but sometimes (seems to be a lot recently) he insults and offends me (not on purpose apparantly) and expects me to accept this without a reaction. When I do react he is dismissive and makes me feel oversensitive and a bit foolish. Which is another question, maybe I am? Please give me your take.

We were Christmas shopping last weekend when we were in M&S he said "Oh joy this brings back memories" I asked "Does it? What of"?
Him "Don't you remember, a couple of years back, you and your inappropriate dress sense love"? I'm a little surprised as I really think my dress sense is fine and he's never told me he had a problem with it before. I asked for specifics but he couldn't remember exactly but mentioned "A little too fleshy"

I am now shocked as none of my clothes are 'fleshy' and above all if we had an argument of this nature I'm sure it would've stuck in my mind (Going down as one of his bad points) I do not appreciate advice of this nature and dress how I please. (Which, strangely, is not fleshy!!)

We carry on shopping but it plays on my mind, I want specifics, what dress etc, he is now fed up that I am irritated (So it's ok for him to offend but I'm not allowed to react) and snaps and says "Oh just give it a rest love" and "Are you still going"? When I get crosser (I really am shocked that he thinks my dress sense inappropriate and fleshy, we're in M&S FFS) and tell him, probably in an emotionally charged voice "You've upset me can't you understand that"? He finally sighs and rolls his eyes.

I feel like it's the last straw. It seems so trivial written down doesn't it? Is it? Am I hard work? Over sensitive?

Since then I have been stewing. He has forgotten and is completely fine. Typical. Things like this are happening more and more frequently. Why?

OP posts:

Report

AliBellandthe40jingles · 14/12/2011 23:41

He sounds bonkers.

BertieBotts · 14/12/2011 23:41

Er - no, his comments are completely out of order

I'm getting the feeling from your post that this isn't a one off?

AmberLeaf · 14/12/2011 23:43

From what you've said he sounds like a prick.

Dont stay for your DDs sake leave for her sake.

Itsallgonetitsup · 14/12/2011 23:43

He sounds really condescending.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 14/12/2011 23:49

Awful. Seriously if anyone rolled their eyes at me - let alone someone who is supposed to love me - I would give them both barrels seriously be considering my relationship with them. And that isn't even getting started on what he says to you. How would he react if you just said casually you didn't like his dress sense, his appearance or how he is in bed (as examples)?

lovelydogs · 14/12/2011 23:52

There are many other annoying little things but the way he spoke to me this day I find very unacceptable. I'm not a doormat and this isn't usual. Which I suppose is why I'm so shocked.
He can be dismissive and condescending and in the past I've calmly asked him not to do this again. He normally does it in frustration or anger. Again, not often but I pull him up if he does. He has this annoying habit of speaking over me when I havent finished my sentence closing his eyes talking quickly and sharply to shut me up. I hate it and have asked him to stop.

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ThatVikRinA22 · 14/12/2011 23:54

perhaps its just one outfit that got you a bit of attention....could he be jealous?

for me, insensitive as it is, it wouldn't be a reason to leave him. unless this is the last straw? is it?

lovelydogs · 14/12/2011 23:55

Thank you handived. I do sometimes (often) wonder if I'm being precious. To doubt a 7 year relationship because of some eye rolling. But I do find it incredibly rude. But I'm not sure he'd expect or understand me really doubting the relationship because of some eye rolling, sighing and disparging remarks about my dress sense (which I'm still not convinced actually happened)

OP posts:

lovelydogs · 14/12/2011 23:55

*disparaging

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lovelydogs · 15/12/2011 00:00

Vicar I don't think so, those days are over (bit fat now!!) I really don't know what he could be referring to!

And I'm so torn, it's only little things like this, although I consider this more of a big thing! He'd never be unfaithful and isn't a big drinker or anything like that. But I can't help wondering if my real mr right is out there somewhere. A man who doesn't talk to me like that.

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MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 15/12/2011 00:09

I read somewhere that one of the biggest signs that a relationship will fail (or has already failed) is contempt. Which sounds like what he is showing you.

And that's not something you really want him modelling in front of your DD either...

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 15/12/2011 00:13

lovely as MNIIM points out it isn't the eye-rolling as such, it is the contempt that conveys. I'd be very hurt if my partner did that to me.

ThatVikRinA22 · 15/12/2011 00:17

i reckon you need to actually tell him that he has hurt your feelings and why. Sounds like a sort of flippant, off the cuff remark that he hasnt really even thought about to me....the fact he is ok now means he hasnt given it the same significance as you have.

you have to talk to him, calmly, and tell him how these flippant remarks and gestures are making you feel. He might just be an insensitive arse rather than anything else...

but only you know.

lovelydogs · 15/12/2011 00:18

Let me explain tonights little thing. This isn't so clear cut and may well make me come across as particularly precious, but really I'm not.

Boyfriend likes to get a Xmas present. I am not bothered and am of the opinion that xmas is for children. Especially as I am always broke and every penny I have goes on DD. He is well off and can buy himself anything he wants or needs.

He really wants a pair of slippers and has hinted as such. I have bought him a nice expensive pair, that I can't really afford. I'm sick of hearing about how he never gets a gift. (He bought me something a couple of months back which he romantically reminded me "was your xmas present") which is fine, I really don't expect stuff.

Anyway, as he has been hinting at presents and being slightly annoying and ridiculous (Oh darling please buy me a jag) I started to do the same. The last couple of weeks I've asked for a pearl necklace. Tonight an ad for Lindt chocolate teddy came on the TV and I asked him to buy me one. He said "yes ok a bit more realistic than a pearl necklace love"
I said I didn't really want a pearl necklace (I don't, I just saw a friends, that her husband had bought her and thought it very beautiful) and he said "Well you would have gone down a lot in my estimations if you did I must say"

And this is where the problem is. Why would I have gone down in his estimations for wanting something materialistic? What's inherently wrong with this if I did? (I don't) Why say that?

Again so petty, not a huge deal in itself but so annoying and just another little thing niggling away!

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babyhammock · 15/12/2011 00:24

Dont like the sound of him at all :(

ThatVikRinA22 · 15/12/2011 00:26

maybe he thinks a pearl necklace has particular connotations or something daft? twin set and pearls?

i really dont know - but i do really think that before you throw away a 7 year relationship, you talk to your partner and tell him how these little throw away comments are making you feel.

or do you want to leave him?

he sounds like he is really pissing you off, and you need to tell him. He sounds insensitive and clumsy,
or do you think its more than that?

the xmas thing wouldnt be a big deal for me personally - perhaps he thinks that exchanging gifts means something?
i always buy DH things, and id be hurt if he didnt at least ask me what i want.

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 15/12/2011 00:26

As others have said, this man is displaying contempt for you. He thinks he is your superior, and that you should be grateful and obedient all the time. The constant niggling and sniping is about training you to know your place.
Thing is, if a relationship is making you constantly miserable, it's OK TO END IT. You don't need his permission to dump him. Having a partner is not compulsory. Being single is much better than being with someone who isn't nice to you.

lovelydogs · 15/12/2011 00:35

Vicar, I'm the opposite, I find it unthoughtful and meaningless to ask what the other person wants, just because it's Christmas And That's What You Do. And to exclaim "That's your Christmas present love", well, where's the romance??! I'd much rather go without.

Solidgold thanks for your reply, yes he certainly does think he's my superior I think but will go to lengths to hide it. He is senior at work and I think this attitude rubs off.

The difficult bit is it's not constantly miserable. There are ok times. Never great laughing amazing times but maybe normal times. We get on some of the time! It's hard to know what to do and I really do wonder if I want to be with him in another 7 years down the line.

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ThatVikRinA22 · 15/12/2011 00:47

sorry i spoke then. i was merely suggesting that you actually speak to him - seems the sensible thing to do when contemplating ending a 7 year relationship.

my response seems to have irked somewhat? i did not mean to go against the grain, but sometimes, i do think the "yes leave the bastard" is the easy, words on a screen answer, in a not so clear cut situation, so i will bow out.
best wishes,

Spero · 15/12/2011 00:55

Vicar is right. Speak to him. Tell him that his comments upset you.

The way he responds will tell you all you need to know about the state of your relationship and whether you should carry on.

I agree you shouldn't lightly bin a seven year relationship, and with a child involved who probaly sees him as a father BUT nor should you stay in a relationship just because it has already gone on a long time. That isn't a reason. The reason to stay in a relationship, so far as I can see, is that you both feel you have got each others backs, fundamentally you are a team and love and support each other. There might be daily niggles and irritations, but that is normal and ok, as long as that bedrockof support is there.

lovelydogs · 15/12/2011 01:45

Oh Vicar no of course your response has not irked! I'm so so sorry it came across that way! I didn't mean it to(or feel that way) at all, so sorry! Maybe my resentment towards my boyfriend came through with the whole present thing, I was just explaining my differences, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to come across as offensive and am very grateful for all your advice. And of course I should talk to him, and will do tomorrow evening. I can't sit here every night when he's gone wondering wether to end things or not, a chat is in order!

OP posts:

ThatVikRinA22 · 15/12/2011 11:00

its ok, i just didnt want to keep harping on if you were finding my posts unhelpful, you just sound really pissed off and i think its probably time to have that chat. (i shouldnt post late at night...too tired!)

i would never advocate any one staying in a relationship that makes them unhappy, and there is only you can gauge how your DP means these snotty little comments, all i was trying to say was that sometimes we can all be guilty of saying things without thinking, and i was i suppose trying to work out whether he is just guilty of that on a regular basis and he isnt realising, or whether its something more, and you sound like you feel its the latter.

i hope you get something sorted. lifes too short to put up with someone you dont want to be with.
good luck.

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MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 15/12/2011 11:03

Also, if it is really a serious long-term relationship, and if you think you should be hanging onto him for DD's sake, this bit doesn't make much sense to me:

"I am always broke and every penny I have goes on DD. He is well off and can buy himself anything he wants or needs."

If after 7 years you still have totally separate finances - even if that means he is loaded and you are struggling, and by the sound of it supporting DD mostly or entirely yourself(?), I would question how strong a relationship this is. Particularly if he is then hassling you to give him expensive things out of your money, which he knows you can't really afford? Surely if this is a real partnership he should be supporting you (both) when necessary, not making things worse for you financially!

dreamingbohemian · 15/12/2011 11:16

I have the same question as Inigo, why after seven years are things still so separate and unequal?

I think the answer might affect the advice. If you are really serious and married in all but name, then perhaps you could try counseling or what have you. If after seven years you still think of him as a boyfriend and there is not a very high level of commitment, then I don't see why you would stay if you're not happy.

malinkey · 15/12/2011 12:02

OP - does this article ring any bells? Just read it on another thread and perhaps this might make sense to you?

Gaslighting is just one of the techniques used in emotional abuse. Financial control is another.

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