Passive Aggression

[silentcatastrophe]

I think that Dh has some PA traits and it has been driving me mad. I have told him that complaining just makes everyone miserable. He does it a lot. He sulks for Britain when the mood takes him and moans that he has no friends. I don't like being blamed for things that go wrong, and I don't like the dogs being shouted at for things we can do something about. It is as though instead of acting to make something better is not an option. It is better to leave it and shout and complain.
I have mentioned to him that I think there are things that would help him to feel happier, and that his general gloom seems to point in the general way of PA. Nice, aren't I. I guess I am wondering how other people cope with partners who sulk a lot?
I only found out recently through talking to my therapist and someone else, that this could be a problem. If it is, what success have people had in dealing with it? It is horrible, and I get pretty angry about it.

[fuzzynavel]

Hi Silent

You sound just like me a few months ago.

I don't have any answers I'm afraid as I have just ended a relationship due to his passive aggressive ways.

[silentcatastrophe]

I am sorry this behaviour destroyed your relationship. We have been together for 16 years, and his grumping has only just got a name! Of course, it is far easier to blame everything on me, and say it is my fault I get angry because my life has been difficult.

[OldeChestnut]

I only found out recently through talking to my therapist and someone else, that this could be a problem.

if you have coped with it for 16 years, why is it such a problem now - because someone has told you it is

dont understand that

[squeakytoy]

Dont worry OP, keep seeing your therapist and before you know it he will be a narcissist, he will be stone walling you, and gaslighting you ...

Like Chestnut says, if you have put up with him being like this for 16years, then he probably thinks his grumpy behaviour is endearing to you.. giving something a label wont make him change.

[silentcatastrophe]

The behaviour has been causing so many problems in our relationship. At least knowing what it is can possibly mean not going over and over the same old stuff in the same old way with the same crap results.
He is not a narcissist, he has not been gaslighting me, and he doesn't stonewall me
Also, giving a behaviour a name can help me not to do the same old things and react in the same old way. So...has anyone else worked this one out?

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

the fact that the OP has had to put up with this behaviour for 16 years if probably the reason she has ended up in therapy.

OP - don't know what the answer is, I also split up with my husband due to this, well partly due to this.

[squeakytoy]

The only way to deal with it is to not accept it. My husband is prone to being grumpy. All the family know it, and we all take the mickey out of him for it, even his own Mother.

The best way to get him to snap out of it for us is to tell him that he is turning into his Dad, as he has always said he doesnt want to be like that, and his Dad was the grumpiest man ever.

I do admit to winding my husband up, since I started reading these boards... and it can be very amusing..

examples...

me "I think we should go shopping"

him "we dont need to go shopping, you just like spending too much money"

me "you are being passive agressive... we are going shopping"

him "you went shopping yesterday, the fridge is full, you said you had got everything you needed"

me "stop gaslighting, I never said that at all! now come on, get your jacket"

him - silence and carries on watching telly

me "right, you can stop the stonewalling"

him... "for fucks sake woman, stop reading bloody Mumsnet"

[HoudiniHissy]

good one squeaky

I did the same with my abusive x the day I dropped him at Heathrow! Called him out on everything he tried!

God Bless MN!

[bejeezus]

its not very amusing, if that stuff is really going on in your relationship though huh?

PA, stonewalling, gaslighting- all abusive behaviours. Not a source of amusement?

[HoudiniHissy]

I've had ALL of that AND been physically abused to boot bejeezus, as you probably well know.


No, it's NOT funny, it's not acceptable, but when you're out you can look back and see the sheer lunacy of it all, you are utterly incredulous at it all.

At the time is it infuriating, it is confusing and terrifying, but once you push through and call it for what it is, you gain strength. You can USE the terms to defend yourself and defeat them. It distracts them and can shut down the technique they are using.

You can't fight them with actions, you can't reason with them, the best way to get through actually IS to disarm them by NOT rising to it, in some way, and to NOT take them seriously.

Once you are out and no longer in their grip, laughing at that lunacy helps you get over it, helps you realise that it WAS a ridiculous way to live, and that you damn well won't be doing THAT again.

if you don't eventually laugh at it, what else can you do?

[bejeezus]

Hi Hissy-I know where you're coming from lovely. It was more directed at squeaky- I read her post differently to you I think--I dont think she is 'calling it for what it is'- i dont think she really thinks that her dp is doing these things to her? just that its an in joke because she reads Mumsnet and people are always banging on about abusive husbands?

Anyway--not really my business what jokes go on in the squeaky household, just seemed a little insensitive in the Relationship section

But then again maybe I am over sensitive

[squeakytoy]

There are two ways to deal with abuse. One is to call the abuser out on it, and as Houdini says, you gain strength, the second way is to end the relationship, again this takes strength too.

Some people can and will change their abusive behavior, some wont.

I have been in shit relationships, and I know exactly what Houdini means too..

[squeakytoy]

and no bejeezus, I am not being insensitive either.. I am lucky in that my marriage is to a bloke who isnt abusive, but is prone to grumpiness, and I call him on it.. I dont let his moods feel like they are my responsibility, and I will challenge him on it when I know he is being grumpy for no good reason.

Taking the mickey a bit and making someone smile when they are being grumpy does often get them to take a look at themselves and realise what a prat they are being.

[bejeezus]

or 3) try and live with it and go quietly mad

[squeakytoy]

nope... 3 is definately NOT the solution to deal with it... :)

I made that mistake and never would again..

[fuzzynavel]

Yes, I agree in taking a lighter approach. I ended it a couple of weeks ago now. I stood back and watched him it made me laugh - 1. because I could see what he was doing and 2. Through finally laughing I was able to get shot of him.

This was the last act, I find it hilarious and hope you do too.



We went off for the weekend to see if we could maybe get back on some sort of even keel. Things had been shite for the past 6 months.

On the way home in the car after being woken very badly by him - stomping around, turning the telly on practically shining a light in my eyes he should have just waterboarded me and be done with it

I had decided enough was enough and told him that I needed a break so wanted my keys back and for him to get his stuff out of my house.

He told me that he couldn't collect stuff now but tomorrow. I said um no, I would pack it all up and he was to come and collect later.

Anyway, got indoors and he asked for a cup of tea before he left, I couldn't quite get my head round this so automatically made one (thinking he'd take it with him in the cab like he usually does). He then proceeded to sit down and read the paper - what the f...ing hell was he doing? I had to tell him that he needed to bloody vacate!


During our time together - roughly 2 years, he was the grumpiest person I had ever met.

He said rather hurtful things to me and always passed them off as a "joke"

If I bought him a little pressie, he never said thanks, he criticised it.

He'd pick, pick, pick away with his negative comments until I got cross, leave and not speak to me for a couple of days and blame me for my anger.

If after having an arguement he dutifully bought me flowers they were always the one's he knew i didnt like.

I actually ended up on AD's thinking it was me!

And do you know what, I know it wasn't but blimey, I'm still questioning and blaming myself tonnes!

[bejeezus]

conversely- i think my 'making light' of it kept me in it longer
it took a long time to accept the gravity of my situation
now, I dont think its funny. Not fucking funny at all
Not sure I will ever have enough distance to see any humour in it

[fuzzynavel]

Everyone's different I guess Bejeezus.

I couldn't laugh either until I saw him for what he was and decided to get out

[silentcatastrophe]

I too find it easy to think it really is something I've done or said. At least now I am at a better distance from it to see the behaviour for what it is, and act on it.

[HoudiniHissy]

Squeaky is clearly making light of her H grumps, he's not an abuser, she is winding him up.

Telling real abusers that you know what they are doing, forces them onto the back foot, they realise you are not falling for it.

Sure you have to know your limits, its a dangerous game to play with some of them.. but it's A technique to defend yourself.

that car journey was the longest I have even taken emotionally, but it was only an hour. I was EXHAUSTED at the end of it, shell shocked and literally on the point of passing out.

I DO make light of some of the things I have experienced, but the truth of them are so horrific, I think that this is merely a survival technique. I am currently realising that perhaps I'm not truly 'getting it' in terms of the severity of what my situation really was.

This is a long path.

I would also say that Passive Aggression, while often used against us when we are in an abusive relationship, can be highly liberating and inspiring when we find insignificant ways to do nasty stuff back, and they don't even realise what we are doing.

Stuff like (and these I know were done to the abusers)
Running him his bath - and pissing in it.
Cleaning the toilet with his toothbrush
'accidentally' getting deep heat on his bollocks (pure class)
Dog food casserole
Rubbing his toothbrush on the soap

so passive aggression is something WE as victims can safely use, cos out and out aggression would be potentially very dangerous to us.

[bejeezus]

I see what you're saying hissy

I wouldn't gain any satisfaction from doing any of those things. I don't want to be turned into someone who does that, for me that would feel worse than the abuse against me.

[HoudiniHissy]

Each to their own bejeezus, no one person is in the right or in the wrong, we do whatever works for us to get through. For me it shows us that there is a teeny weeny bit of power that we can use, but he doesn't know it, and therefore he doesn't make us pay for it.

If getting them back in some tiny way helps, then all well and good. If not then it's counterproductive. I can see your point too.

The main thing is that WE ARE THROUGH it, we have made it, we have survived.

((((HUGS from me to you bejeezus))))

[bejeezus]

no one person is wrong, we do what works for us to get through it

the main thing is WE ARE THROUGH IT!!

Damn straight!

(((back to you))) here's to an abuse free Xmas and a peaceful new year. And a lifetime of peaceful new years after that! [Wine]

catastrophe I don't believe there is anything you can do to stop him sulking. It is his behaviour, only he can change it. I think most of us have turned ourselves inside out trying to be better, because then they wouldn't react like they do. It's bollocks.

[HoudiniHissy]