Want to forget them

[needtogetheadclear]

Hi there

I feel a bit silly posting this to be honest, as writing it down highlights how daft I'm probably being. Just wanted to vent I guess.

I was good friends with a girl for years who was going through a particularly rough patch about 3 years ago. I invited her out every weekend (she lived on the outskirts of the city I'd moved to) and made sure she was ok - we were both single so spent a lot of time together. I was worried about her - she hated her job, had no friends and cried a lot when I saw her. We grew close, and I confided in her a lot at the time over how I was still getting over my ex - a long story - but the break up was acrimonious. I moved south, and he then cut contact completely with me which I understood but found it hard, particularly as we were friends before we got together. She used to listen to me go on drunkenly about it and talk me through it too, so we did help each other.

Anyway - I persuaded this girl to go for a two month volunteering job abroad, and helped her make the decision that it was the right thing to do. She loved it, and when she moved back, got a job in the city we used to live in - which she always wanted to move back to - and she said the experience abroad helped her get this job (high demand, few jobs in this city). The same city as my ex.

A month later, the two of them were an item. I found this quite difficult to deal with, although around the same time had met an amazing man, who I'm now married to, and we're expecting our second child. When I voiced my true thoughts to mutual friends (how I wouldn't have gone out with a friend's ex), their response was "What's the problem? You say you're really happy now with someone else". Which I was/am. However, we have a circle of mutual friends who always meet up in our old town, and I have been distancing myself from them all. I have no wish to be friends with either of them really, but don't want a bad atmosphere either so have been friendly enough at weddings etc. I've seen them at.

My problem is, I can't seem to let go of the fact that I still feel a bit aggrieved that my friendships with other people have lapsed a bit because of it. I guess I also haven't ever addressed the fact that it hurt me as much as it did. I thought of them both as people I wanted to have in my life in the future, and was hopeful my ex would still be a good friend eventually. I sent an email to everyone a few weeks ago telling them I was pregnant and it's been ignored by both of them. I thought they might send a line of congratulations. Sorry this is so long, I guess it's something that's always been in the back of my mind - now I'm really happy we're having another baby (and certainly never thought I'd be married to such a wonderful guy) I kind of thought we could all move past what's happened in the past - would've been chuffed if they'd replied - but it's brought back fresh feelings of hurt I suppose. I'm sick of it bugging me! Am I being ridiculous?

[HoudiniHissy]

I know you feel ridiculous and tbh given the same situation I think I would to. But I also think, on some level I'd also be peeved (Sorry hateful word, but the correct one).

the fact that they are together is, for you, a little too close to home, you confided in her about him, and now she is with him. Of all the blokes in the world etc etc etc.

Add to this their ignoring your PG email, I would be for sure.

Perhaps this is now time for you to allow them both to vanish into dots... let the friendship peter out, use the lack of congratualations as the hook you needed to own your anger.

My best advice is to pity them. That they are clearly either not very well mannered in that they can't even jot down a simple 'Bloody Marvellous', it speaks volumes about them tbh.

Don't sweat it about them, they are not real friends. neither of them. It's sad to discover that I know, but better now than when and if you are actually relying on one or the other of them.

chin up chick!

Oh and CONGRATS and ALL THE BEST OF LUCK for the new baby!

[needtogetheadclear]

Thank you so much for the reply - it reassures me no end to hear that someone else outwith the situation can see my point of view and agree that it's ok that I DO feel peeved - the exact word!

I think I was trying to hard to be ok about it all. Trying to be an adult about it and refusing to acknowledge the childish part of me that wanted to throw all my toys out the pram and shout at them that I hated them!

I think you are right in that it's time to let them vanish and do their own thing - they are getting married so in that sense they must be right for each other and the relationship has lasted this long - but you're right in that neither of them is particularly well mannered if they've not contacted me re. the pregnancy. I would have sent a congratulations email to anyone that emailed me telling me that news. And neither of them are real friends or they would have really tried to maintain contact with me - and they haven't. I guess that's something else I didn't face up to.

But there are lovely people out there who I can be friends with! And am friends with. I guess we all outgrow people and situations sometimes - I sometimes feel left out when the old crowd all meet up and I'm not there, but I guess that's life.

And thank you so much for your kind message about the baby - still adjusting to the idea myself - will have my hands full later in the year as our other girl is a little monkey!

[needtogetheadclear]

Argh sorry trying *too hard - hate mistyping!