Depressed DP

[undermyskin]

My first thread, lurker and occasional poster. But I have learnt a great deal from reading various threads and would be grateful for advice.

DP of two years (we don't live together) mentioned a couple of weeks ago that he was feeling depressed - he probably has good reason; job stressful and a little uncertain right now; has just turned 50; DS who he has no contact with turned 18 and no acknowledgment of present; acrimonious divorce. Last week he essentially blew up, probably because I was having a bit of a moan about all Christmas arrangements falling on me (I'm the one who has to step up to Christmas as DC with me this year), and stormed out in the small hours, followed by text along the lines of can't do this any more. Saw him briefly at the weekend and ascertained that he was feeling claustrophobic and felt he was failing me by not delivering what he thought I wanted.

He thinks I want to slot him into my family unit, make it complete, and live happily ever after. I agree I do try and wrap him up a bit in what I have to offer, largely because he has been so roundly rejected by his own family - his words. What I enjoy in particular about our relationship is that there is no financial dependence and we have no DC together - after many years of feeling rather hemmed in by domesticity I have had tremendous fun being myself over the last couple of years. The time my DC are with exP has, at last, given me some freedom. DP knows that at other times I am not as free and, if he chooses, he can fit him. He is the one who grows anxious when, having said he will be with us in the evening, he is delayed by work. I get text after text giving an up date on where he is and revised expected time of arrival. I usually reply go home, but arrive he does rather frazzled.

That's the background. I realise that now I am treading a fine line between trying to be supportive and putting him under further pressure and handling that fine line is what I would like advice with. DP has signed himself off from work for the week. We continue to communicate by text; I only ever respond. Yes, I would like our relationship to continue for lots of good reasons but I do have a date beyond which this continued limbo would be too difficult for me and I will have to draw a line. But I don't believe you abandon someone who is finding life difficult just because it makes life a bit more complicated for you. I will be a big factor in his current turmoil but I am not the whole reason. How do you hand hold at a distance and without adding to the pressure.

Thank you for reading.

[cestlavielife]

encourage him to go to his GP and seek help.

[undermyskin]

Apologies for bumping my own thread - which clearly did not have an engaging enough title. Having rather a difficult time juggling everything ahead of the bloody Christmas thing.

I would be grateful for any advice. Have been treading eggshells via text with DP of over two years. Would like the relationship to continue but not at the sake of deconstructing me again after separating from exP of 17 years and then piecing together the old me again.

I appreciate I am not being very explicit about the advice I am after, but would very much appreciate wise advice

[LadyMedea]

Give him some time to process. He's obviously still recovering from a whole raft of stuff. Just support him quietly for now. Hopefully he'll chill out and come back to himself.

[4aminsomniac]

Why are you trying to conduct an adult relationship by text? Talk to the poor man, or if you must text him saying you are concerned about him and want a chat, could he phone you.

Texts Can be so easily misinterpreted, seen as brusque or casual. Tell him you still want a relationship, and want to help him through what is obviously a difficult time, and you don't want to do it by text!

[undermyskin]

I agree insomniac, but that is the only means of communication on offer to me as when I have tried to call, it just goes onto answerphone. I want to help but not to be in his face. Take today, I have tried to ring and I have texted to be met with either go away or I will ring when I can. Anyway, it has probably gone tits up because by trying to be helpful, and not really knowing how, I do recognise I am exacerbating the situation. Exhausting knowing you are part of the equation to current stand off but not the whole coase, and in that ghastly situation of knowing you could be more together by walking away but also being in love with someone in a huge turmoil. No longer sure what is for the best - both of us have pretty shitty recent pasts, mine I have rectified to an even keel and there is still friendship and very good coparenting as a result, DP has not and by text (as always) today I have been accused as behaving to him just as his exW; I have not. Feeling shit and like so many others have to rise to Christmas.

[undermyskin]

Shit, shit, shit, I never learn!