Shit. Just fell off the wagon and told him that she is welcome to him

[Bogeyface]

Bugger

3 large glasses of wine...ok so a whole bottle, in an hour or so and lost it. Dont panic, made myself sick so most of it went down the loo as I dont want to be the pissed arsehole. Its like I wanted to drink it but not to feel it iykwim.

Its a year to the day when the first text was on the secret phone and I am really losing it.

I am angry, upset and I hate him. I loathe him. She can fucking have him.

My main regret is that her poor OH doesnt have a clue! Well he did suspect something in January according to the texts "Cant talk/text, X is here and being funny" "Did you text? X said he found my phone when I lost it and has been really funny with me" etc. So I think he read their texts but in Jan they were a bit dodgy but not as overtly "lets meet for sex" as they were before last Xmas and during this Spring.

Probably just as well I dont know who he is as I would have a weak moment and tell him what happened and make everything worse.

Why am I bothering with counselling when I cant stand him? I dont wear my rings, I dont want to wear them! I can barely look at him. I go through the motions for the sake of the family, but to me, he is dead.

Feel free to ignore, dont do the old "couldnt read and run", just dont. I just need to rant!


PS for anyone thinking WTF? I posted as "wtfdoido" originally. Feel free to search.

[Bogeyface]

when I say I fell off the wagon, I knew I was using alcohol as a crutch and decided that I would go 6 weeks off the booze which took me to Xmas Eve. And I failed :(

[lisad123]

Well Xmas is a bad time to quit anyways
Don't beat yourself up, his the idiot and you deserve better. If your unhappy do something about it.only you can make the changes, and take control, no one else.

Please look after yourself

[Bogeyface]

Thank you lisa x

[tethersjinglebellend]

Oh Christ, it really doesn't sound like you're the failure here.

What are the reasons for staying with him? Not being facetious; there must have been reasons you decided to stay with him. Do they still apply? Or do you think that this is insurmountable?

[Itsallgonetitsup]

I am in a similar situation but 4 years down the line! I am now on the verge of leaving but terrified! Quite why I have stayed - I am not sure of.
I too dont wear my rings and just look at my H in a detached manner and just think Who are you? Who the fuck are you? You are not who i thought you are and I just dont really know you at all!!

I discoverd my H infidelity because of a text it was Xmas 4 years ago. It does not help that our wedding anniversary is at Xmas too, but ever since every Xmas has been painful and shit. I sink very low and requestion everything over and over. I think its because:

1. Its Xmas and a time for reflection and nostalgia
   
2. Its the anniversary of my shocking discovery and all the Xmas decs, rituals etc remind me of that
   
3. Its our wedding anniversary.
   

I can offer no advice because I am floundering my way through life wondering what to do for the best and terrified of the upset leaving will cause the only precious people I have in my life - my DC. I thought I would share, cos I kind of can imagine what you are going through and how you feel.

Dont be so hard on yourself! 1 year is not that long. Things are still raw.

[minceorotherwise]

Oh bogey, so sorry. Haven't read your previous thread, but is the affair over? Has he said it is? Don't beat yourself up falling off the wagon, sounds like you have a lot to deal with. Is he committed to making it work? Can you get over his bastard cheating, or are you just staying for other reasons? Or have things been going ok and you are having a relapse due to timing plus wine?

[PludolphTheRedNosedReindeer]

"Why am I bothering with counselling when I cant stand him? I dont wear my rings, I dont want to wear them! I can barely look at him. I go through the motions for the sake of the family, but to me, he is dead."

That doesn't sound possible to come back from. No wonder you are drinking...

It's all right to give up even long after the "heat of the moment" (finding out, anger, betrayal, etc.) has faded and gone very cold, as you sound now. If you are drinking, having promised yourself you wouldn't, it is probably not the only promise to yourself that you are breaking.

Sorry that sounds defeatist, but your tone is worrying, and hurts to listen to.

[carantala]

OP - are you on your own or is your H at home?

You could probably find out very easily the details of the OW and her OH if you wish; you must then decide if you wish to confront her and contact her OH.

I'm probably not the best person to be giving advice but, personally, with hindsight in my own situation, I'd take on the F***G lot!!!

Good luck, OP, and best wishes (I know your pain!).

[Bogeyface]

Wine has kicked in and I am slightly pished

I am still with him because the baby was 5 weeks old when I found out.

I promised myself I would see how it went (and then to not drink) so I have kept to one of my promises.

I do know who she is but she has a minimal FB etc presence so I cant find her OH online and tbh, I am not sure I want to. I suspect, from what I read, that he has got her number, so I dont want to be the tell-tale and therefore allow her to think that she has got to me.

He is desperately sorry, wants counselling etc to make it work, but I hate his guts and hope he dies in pain.

Its now.....v late and I am on decaff coffee but cant take a sleeping pill because I've had a drink (am an insomniac, regardless of the current situation)

[Bogeyface]

He is home and sober and thinks I just had one glass, so I am not at home alone with the kids, thanks for asking carantala.

[Bogeyface]

Sorry I should make it clear that her OH has got her number, in other words, he had got an idea of what she is ie; a cheating lying slag.

[TheWisdomOfSolomum]

Bogey I think you're perfectly entitled to feel the way you do. My youngest was only 6 weeks old when my now ex did similar but internet sites first and then text/phone contact with women he met through that.

Oh God, I remember how low and shit I felt, with no-one to talk to and I didn't use MN at the time. I think if I did have MN, things would've been a bit different and I would've left a lot earlier

TBH it wasn't the only, or the worst thing ex had done, but any residual feelings I had for him just died, I could hardly look at him, or be in the same room, or let him touch me. And he wasn't sorry either. Just kept trying to lie his way out.

I'm rambling here but what i really want to say to you is, if your feelings are gone and you're just not happy, then you should get out. You deserve better, you deserve to be happy. It's not easy, but it was honestly the best thing I ever did.

If you want to stay and make it work, then you will get help and support to get through this, but please make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. And take care of yourself.

[tallwivglasses]

Bogey

My advice would be - say something brief, brutal and withering to him, inform him he's on the sofa tonight and go to bed.

A lot of things will be clearer in the morning x

[hairytaleofnewyork]

He is also a cheating, lying slag.

How the he'll is staying with him good fir the family? Sounds like the situation - a cheating lying Dad and an unhappy, drunk mum is not good at all fir the family.

[MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism]

Bogey - I've just had a nose at your profile .

You are gorgeous! Honestly woman, with a webcam shot you look better than I'd look with photoshop. Don't tell yourself that you have to put up with him, please. You (and your lovely ds) are worth so much more than lies and deceit.

[Arana]

I don't normally post on threads like this, but I think you know what you need to do Bogeyface. You just need to plan it all so that there is minimal fallout for you and the DC. Screw everyone else, you need to look after you and yours.

[smellsofreindeersick]

bogey how are you doing this morning?

[venusandChristMARS]

You're dealing with a tough set of things bogey and good for you to have recognised the part that booze was playing in acting as a crutch. It does sometimes aneasthetise our feelings, or relax us enough to let us yell those feelings out loud - fine for a short while, but sometimes the real feelings need to be felt, and dealt with - healthier in the long run.

So don't be hard on yourself, for drinking yesterday. The thing about the wagon is that it is always there. You drank yesterday, but that doesn't mean you have to drink today (if you don't want to). You can carry on till 24th December, all is not lost.

[FabbyChic]

Have you fell out of love Bogey? Maybe it is time to move on and leave the relationship behind, and work on getting your head right.

its probably because its coming up to a year since you found out that it is hitting you so hard again.

[HoudiniHissy]

Bogey, they do say 'in vino veritas' You told him that she is welcome to him and tbh, it sounds like you probably meant it.

He may be sorry, but sometimes that is not enough.

I think that tbh, you have every right and justification you need to ask him to leave.

The wine as a crutch, well, many of us have been there. When in my own brand of hell, I was smoking hash every day. Mostly to sleep, to escape him and to feel chilled when I was actually screaming inside.

When I got back home, I gave up hash instantly, and 4m later, gave up smoking all together. Never looked back

When this guy is out of your home, you will begin to feel better. It may take a little while to begin to feel it, but actually it'll be sooner than you expect.

Once you feel stronger, you will be able to live without your crutch.

Do you post on the Brave Baves thread on here? It's for those with alcohol issues, and they are doing marvellously well, are super supportive and will hold your hand as long as you need them to.

The support and love is here in spades for you love, lean as hard as you need to, OK?