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Hating Christmas this year (sorry, this will be long)

2 replies

ZombieMonkeyBrains · 10/12/2011 17:19

I left home at 16, because my family situation was intolerable. My family are aggressive, abusive and nasty. I was always the scapegoat, I spent my whole childhood being told I was wrong, bad, evil and similar.

I had a stillborn daughter at 21, my ex was an arse, I delivered alone, with no support while he was in the pub. He told me it was my fault because I was so fat. I was a size 10 pre pregnancy, and went back to that very soon after so I don't know why he said that. I had my son at 23, I called my mum to tell her, to try and build some bridges because I missed having a family and she said she'd see him on his own, but wasn't bothered about me because I was a troublemaker. I didn't bother contacting them when my daughter was born 19 months later.

Their dad was abusive. Physically, sexually and emotionally. He lied to my face many times about affairs, made me feel I was stupid, paranoid and mental for questioning him. When I did eventually get the backbone to throw him out he hounded me so much, beat me up so often when I went to hand the kids over for access I'd paid for (I had to buy his train tickets to collect them) that I began trying to move us into a refuge. I went out one night and left my kids with my childminder (my only support, no family, never really confided in anyone) and he grabbed me on my way home, raped me, abused me with a broken bottle, beat me and left me for dead. After that we moved into a refuge where we stayed for a year.

I stupidly contacted my family after that, and my dad answered the phone. Came and got us and brought us back to my parents house (which was unpleasant, they undermined me, smacked my children either though I disagree with smacking and generally treated me like an idiot), then I got rehoused by the council.

For a while I worked for the family business. Well, I was paid what they wanted to pay me, when they wanted to pay me. I worked all hours. When they went off to their house in Spain I was supposed to be on call 24/7.

I met my XP, had a breakdown, he took me and the kids to his mum's house to get me away from my family because things had got utterly out of hand (threats, trying to take my kids from school because I'd not been in touch for 3 weeks because I just couldn't take it - which apparently meant I was on drugs). We had 4 years, happy bits, lots of rows. I had PTSD, I made life intolerable. We split up at the end of November last year.

I had EMDR therapy, I got over my PTSD. I made a life, I was happy. XP and I had couples therapy to try and work things out, it didn't work. I ended it. I got 100 texts one night, telling me I'm like my mum, like my kid's dad, and I'm everything my family said I was. Interspersed with begging, pleading, professions of love and all that. I'm tired now. I just want to get on with bting me. This time of year hurts. Everyone else is off doing family things - I feel excluded because I don't have that. Things with friends - I either can't afford it or they're convinced XP is a GOOD GUY, and I've fucked him over. I just feel so alone.

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ZombieMonkeyBrains · 10/12/2011 17:22

On top of all that I'm unemployed. really struggling to feed and clothe us and can't see a way through this.

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RudolphthePinkNosedReindeer · 10/12/2011 18:14

Hello, do try the stately homes thread if you haven't already. There is also another thread going about Christmas alone.

TBH Christmas on your own sounds like it would beat Christmas with your 'family' hands down. How old are you and DC? I'm sure there will be plenty of good Christmases Yet To Come.

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