Where do I go from here? (my father) Long and boring.

[belindarose]

Always had a distant relationship with my father since he left DM when I was 9. He saw DB and I maybe once a year while we were growing up (his choice - DM would have agreed any contact he wanted), saw us even les while we were at university. He married OW (DM's best friend) the minute the divorce was complete and brought up her two children with her - same ages as DB and I. DM met a wonderful man after about 8 years, to whom she is now married. He has been a fantastic stepfather and is an amazing grandad.

The bare minimum of maintenance was paid as my mum wanted to keep everything as amicable as she could. He stopped the day we turned 18.

I had problems with depression and relationships in my teens and twenties and have no doubt that this was all linked to rejection. We spoke occasionally on the phone but it was always very strained - as a child I'd have to write lists of things to talk about.

They were invited to, and attended my wedding. They were among the first to see mine and DB's babies when they were born. They've seen them twice a year (they're both 2 now). They're invited often, at their own convenience, and we make them welcome when they come. We don't go there as they don't seem to like us to (and have aggressive dogs).

God, this is dull. Thanks if you're still reading! Anyway, he been pretty much the same with my DD. Only seen her a few times. I don't want her to feel any of the rejection that I did, but I'm sure I'm over thinking that. To her he is just a man she sees sometimes who is nice and gives her presents.

He texts now, rather than phones. Last week it was 'wot u doing at Xmas?' (we have my parents and in laws to visit, both 4 hours away in different directions). Today 'need to know wot dd needs for Xmas'. That's it. No kisses! I know, if I'm feeling charitable, that they don't want to waste money or get something she already has, but I'm really upset by it. If you can't think of something nice to get a 2 year old for £10 (max spend limit, texted to DB last month), then it's a bit of a shame.

It sounds so trivial now I've written it all down, but I wa really saddened by that text and it brought back how sad he used to make me feel. We're all so lucky to have stepdad in our lives, so it's not about that. He has 3 other granddaughters (his DSD's girls) so I suppose all his time and attention is taken up with them.

Shall I send the very rude reply to his text that I want to, or just smile sweetly as I always do and make a £10 suggestion with good grace? I want to just cut him out altogether but it all sounds so petty now!

[kikibo]

Well, it's natural that you feel rejected, but your daughter won't. As long as he doesn't demand she stops calling your stepfather 'grandad', then I would feel it doesn't really matter. I understand your anger, though.

The fact that he wants to know what your daughter wants is maybe not so strange. My maternal grandparents saw me every two weeks for a day when I went there with my mum and they always asked my mum what I wanted. It needs to be said, though that they did have 6 children and 16 grandchildren, but your father maybe doesn't have inspiration. I know I haven't for my father, nor for my husband and I have known both men for 29 years and 10 years respectively. I just haven't got that inspiration of what they would like.

If you really want him to call you more or for you to have some 'relationship' as you would like it, then tell him. Although maybe he feels awkward too and finds that he shouldn't intrude on you or something. Somtimes such awkward situations are not even what either party wants but still they happen because...

If you want to cut him out then that's ok too (if you feel that is what you need, then do it), but think about it first.

[chubbasmum]

Your step dad sounds like a lovely guy and to be honest your dd already has a grandad and as for your biological dad dont know what his missing raising someone elses children neglecting your own says alot about a person when relationships breakup its between couples and not the children most men dont get that.


personnally i feel texts are a cope out its not the same as a telephone call and im such a suspecious person (forgive me) bet he texts in secret to keep peace at home .

[JustGiveMeTheWine]

Ahhh I know how you feel OP!
I've had very distant relationship with my dad since he & mum split when I was 8. (im now 31) He went on to marry SM who already had 2 children from previous relationship then had 2 more together. My Dad never paid a penny for me & 2 older brothers but CSA caught up with him for my younger brother - even then he tried to get it reduced as he said he couldn't afford it as he had the other children to bring up. I didn't speak to him until I was 15, he blamed the lack of contact on my mother. I gave it a chance and do you know what? He doesn't make any effort. I always go to see him etc... My DD birthday was in July, she didn't even get a card or phonecall! when I spoke to him he apologised and said he had money issues. He only lives a few streets away! Meanwhile I saw on a social networking site that he had inquired about a Quad bike for my step sisters son!
I've come to accept now that I will never have a close relationship with my dad, I don't really want one so much anymore, he let me and brothers down so I don't want my DD to be let down by him in the future. She doesn't even ask about him anymore. Luckily she has other Grandparents that are 'real grandparents' and we give her all the love she needs.

[belindarose]

Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, justgivemethewine, they sound very similar!

I've replied to the text, graciously and with a few dull gift ideas. I think they are keen to buy 'need' presents, so suggested pants, tights and pjs. Stepmum does have a lot of influence (she's constantly getting at him when we see them - it's embarrassing!). He's just weak and nice enough.

My brother says we can't change him, we can only choose how to be for ourselves. And of course, he's right. I feel okay now, thanks.

[belindarose]

He's wonderful. Gave me away when I got married. Drops everything to help us whenever he can. I love him and know we're very lucky. My father's behaviour nearly killed my grandparents (his parents). They never really got over it and remained brilliant grandparents to us and parents in law to my mum. Father is the only loser here, I know.