I really need help dealing with the breakdown of my marriage. Are there any good books to read on this? Does anyone have any tips. H couldn't be more obstructive if he tried.

[Drowningnotwaving]

so my marriage has broken down. I'm living alone (having moved to a new city with dh 4 months ago), 18 weeks pregnant, 5 children, awful morning sickness. It's terrible. H has detached totally from me - in the end I threw him out after months of abuse.

but now I'm just trying to get on with things. It's v tough because H is being extremely obstructive. he won't respond to emails. he comes round (invites himself in) and criticises the state of the house, opens my mail etc. Other than that he has become totally disinterested in the children - this is a person who I thought the children were the most important thing in his life. He is seemingly happy to see them once a week, and even then brings them back early. He is being ok about money (ish) - although he's kept half of his salary for himself and expects me to live with the children on the rest. He's bought no christmas presents, and shows no interest in buying any. He is just completely uninvolved in their lives.

I need some coping mechanisms to move on. I go from feeling extremely angry to feeling very lonely and sad that he is living the life of riley while I am on my own every night. I find it hard to accept I'm on my own for ever (I can't see anyone wanting to take me on with 6 kids). he's ended the life we were going to have, the life we were planning, and he just doesn't care. I think he has completely fallen out of love with he - he is cold, even nasty when I see him. I think the only answer is to detach totally. But I am finding it very difficult. i feel hurt when I was ill recently, no one cared how I was. I still had to struggle on my own. I am so worried about how I will cope when Im in labour or with a newborn. He hasn't got a place of his own yet, and I sort of am ok with that (we will be extremely poor when he does), but it does mean I don't get any time off.

sorry this is an incoherent ramble. How can I get my life back on track. how can I detach from tosser H. and also I want him to suffer. so much. Often I wish he was dead .

[newbabynewmum]

Where are you? I know if you live anywhere near me I'd definitely help you with any practical stuff.

Emotionally a lot of it is time - rubbish answer sorry. Eventhough it must be so hard you are lucky, you get to live with all of your children and be close to them. He will live to regret his actions now.

Can you make it so he doesn't come into your home? And make firm times for him to keep to with the children?

Sorry, I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this. I'm sure a MNer who has much better advice than me will be here soon. Xx

[FreckledLeopard]

Am also separating from H but no children together - thinking of you and hoping you get some good advice on this thread.

[buzzswellington]

Can you put a chain on the door and not let him into the house? He seems to be marking his territory and being intimidating by wandering through and helping himself to your mail. I'd keep him on the doorstep if possible and let him take the children out - time to be a MacDonalds dad for him.

Could you consider moving back to the area you came from? Would it be easier? Would you have family/friends there?

[Charbon]

Have you had other threads? Are you the poster whose lawyer husband was living in a flat of his own and you were fairly certain he was having an affair, as was your solicitor?

If so, you should stop him coming to the house, because it's not his home anymore. Insist he has the children at his flat and discuss shared (50%) parenting with your solicitor. It's completely unfair that he is able to swan into your house, be a Sunday Dad and it's absolutely monstrous that he reads your post and invades your privacy.

If resources allow, I'd hire a PI, get your evidence and sue him for adultery. I seem to recall he was quite wealthy and you will need to get a good settlement.

[Drowningnotwaving]

yes that's me. Was getting too identifiable (still am really!).

I have said he can't come in the flat. this week he did because we had sick children and a sick nanny and I couldn't take the time of work, so I was kind of forced to have him here. But next time, I'll just take the time off work unpaid if necessary because it is too intolerable having him here.

I'm doing ok now really. Alot of the time I do feel very fortunate to have my wonderful children - they are being very lovely, and we are having a nice time overall. it is just sometimes that it gets to me, when H is refusing to answer emails about practical matters, or when I'm feeling ill and sorry for myself. I just need mechanisms/advice on how to detach from him and move on.

I don't know whether to move back or not, so I'm thinking about it - leaving it til next summer anyway. In many ways it's easier here because I don't have to commute to work, and actually, my family (who live in the town I came from) aren't very supportive. I do miss my friends there though.

[struwelpeter]

Don't worry about feeling angry - it is all part of grief. You need to mourn and I guess your emotions are a bit haywire anyway because of the pregnancy.
When you are feeling strong angry draw up some boundaries that you will defend against him ie no coming into the house, set times for the DCs and don't answer the door or be out until 5 mins before he comes back. Things that make you feel in control of your situation make you stronger. Try not to send any emails or limit yourself to one or two a week. Write them, then go away and see if you can solve the problem on your own. Not replying is his game playing so don't start the game. Keep strong and screw the bastard for as much as you can get.

[HoudiniHissy]

You have so much to think about Drowning, take it one step at a time.

Just take it easy, be kind to yourself and get into a routine you can work with.

(((hugs)))

oh and a >pinch< on the bottom for struwelpeter

[Hedgerow7]

I couldn't not post. You poor thing. My advice would be to have some sessions with a counsellor so that you can process the whole thing with some support which could work side by side with practical help.

Also, although you have left your friends in the other town could you not have one or two who might be willing to be telephone friends for a while at least. This is such a tricky time for you.

I wish you strength and luck. Hopefully once the morning sickness has passed, you will kick back and sort the bastard out.