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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

.. to feel sad that DH doesn't say good night to his daughter?

56 replies

marykat2004 · 03/12/2011 23:53

Ok I know he is ill, heart condition and depression, but it makes me sad and even winds me up that DH doesn't even say good night to DD. We have had some problems with bedtime routines, and this week I've been home every night and really taking the time to have a nice long, slow bedtime routine. He doesn't even come in to say goodnight, just stays in our room with the door shut, or on the computer.

I asked him if both his parents used to say goodnight to him and DH said no. He was the youngest of 6, his dad worked full time and no one paid much attention to him at all.

Still it breaks my heart to see DD rejected.

Or should I be more understanding or DH's illness?

Do all your DPs say good night to the children?

OP posts:

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festi · 04/12/2011 00:02

who puts her to bed when you are not home. Is it that he refuses ofr just does not come into her, is it worth you and dd going to where he is to say good night and let it natuaraly develop rather than giving him a hard time over it. just pop your head round the door with dd and say good night to him.It does sound sad, but I would handle this sensitivly for dds sake.

PastGrace · 04/12/2011 00:03

You sound very understanding. YANBU to feel sad. I'm sure his illness makes things harder, but having the door shut sounds quite upsetting, especially for you being in the middle.

My dad still says good night to me if I'm home, and sometimes even when I'm not he'll text me saying "nightie nightie" and I text back "pyjama pyjama". I'm in my twenties .

Not really sure what to suggest to help

marykat2004 · 04/12/2011 00:06

He has to put her to bed one evening a week, and from what I gather he just tells her to go to bed. She is 7. Ok, some 7 year olds just go to bed, but I read a story, have a chat, and so on. I've been doing voluntary work one evening a week, but I'm really thinking about stopping because I don't like DD to feel to sad when I'm not home.

OP posts:

tethersjinglebellend · 04/12/2011 00:06

That is a shame.

Could he not leave her a little 'goodnight' note in her bed?

AgentZigzag · 04/12/2011 00:12

Just on its own, not saying goodnight is hardly rejecting your DD.

He seems to have a reason for not being able to do it, and it must be pretty strong if he still can't after you've pointed out how it makes you feel.

Doesn't your DD go into your room to say goodnight to him?

Does it bother her?

Definately don't stop your voluntary work just because he's not putting her to bed as you've said, let them get on with it.

mrsjay · 04/12/2011 00:14

Its ok for you to feel sad yanbu he could pop his head out the room and say night to his child , i think you should take your dd to him so she can say nanite to daddy ,

mrsjay · 04/12/2011 00:16

I read down a wee bit dont stop your 1 night a week out im sure he is fine with her even if he does it different to you i think its good for him to have that 1 night with his dd .

squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 00:16

Can she not just pop her head round to him as she is going to bed, to say goodnight. He doesnt need to go in to her, especially if any interruption is going to disturb her.

festi · 04/12/2011 00:16

If im honest I wouldnt leave him to put her to bed. right or wrong I just wouldnt want that for my dd. I would swap volunteering to something in the daytime if I were in your position.

JjingleBeanplusPudalltheway · 04/12/2011 00:17

Yanbu!

Me and dp put one child each to bed, we have a 4yo ds and 3yo dd. So say I change dd into pjs, read and cuddle whilst he does ds, then we swap rooms have a quick cuddle goodnight kiss etc, then swap the next night. Always done the same since, forever really.

JosieZ · 04/12/2011 00:19

I think you could explain how you feel and ask him to make the effort to or put on a pretence of lovingly putting your daughter to bed if it is too much to expect anything better. Or just have a cuddle as she goes past on the way up to bed.

My DH could be very lazy about bedtimes and leave it all to me because he was watching tele but would give them a kiss before they went upstairs.

AgentZigzag · 04/12/2011 00:19

I'm not very good at saying hello when DH comes home or I get back from somewhere.

Fuck knows why, it just really irritates me for some reason.

I know other people who find it incredibly difficult to say thank you.

Maybe it's something to do with the 'forced-ness' of it?

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 04/12/2011 00:20

Mary you have posted about your husband being useless as both a father and a husband before haven't you?

squeakytoy · 04/12/2011 00:21

He has to put her to bed one evening a week, and from what I gather he just tells her to go to bed.

Ok, is this what you have been told by your daughter. Could it be emotional blackmail because you are going out?

At 7, she shouldnt really need a lot of fuss about going to bed, or need a story, and certainly not a "long slow" routine for heavens sakes..

Are you the lady who has posted before about a day time hen party that you couldnt go to because of your daughter?

ecclesvet · 04/12/2011 00:21

I think YABU. 'Saying goodnight' as an 'activity' iykwim isn't something every family does. You sound like you have a more thorough bed-time routine, but keep in mind that 'not doing it my way' is not the same as 'doing it wrong'.

Shutupanddrive · 04/12/2011 06:57

Can you not just go in with dd to say a quick goodnight to daddy before she goes to bed? That's what I do with dp if he's on the computer or something when dc's are going to bed. And I don't think she needs a 'long slow' routine either, your over thinking it

Proudnscary · 04/12/2011 09:18

YANBU

I think a goodnight kiss/hug/whatever is important to children. To feel safe/loved/sort of get closure on the day.

I'm sorry your dh has depression and a heart condition but I don't see the relevance here at all.

OTTMummA · 04/12/2011 09:27

TBH, if your DH has a heart condition and depression, i would think he would want to give your DD as many positive impressions as possible.
I know that when i was severly depressed, the only person i was positive towards was DS, i wanted to make it as normal for him as possible.

Your DH sounds like he needs a lot of help if he can not even be slightly bothered to say good night, its not an effort really, but you can tell he isn't arsed about it because if he was and couldn't get up to do it, he would ask you to bring her in to say good night.

I find this really sad tbh.

PontyMython · 04/12/2011 09:44

If he's not forthcoming with this sort of thing, he will be the one who loses out in the long run.

Why does he stay in his room the whole time, is he bedridden? Does he join in for other family things?

marykat2004 · 04/12/2011 21:47

I don't know. I don't think I should go on these boards but then sometimes I get fed up and then I go online, and wow, it sounds like some of you remember me from that hen party nonsense.

Some women don't mind not having weekend time to themselves. But that is another story. (the hen party thread...)

I find it all very hard because he is supposedly so ill he can't have anything to do with childcare yet he can get out of bed and go on the computer to do what he wants to do, but he hasn't got time for his child. This is really since the heart failure. When DD was born I was working and he had to look after her and he even did housework back then. BUt first the place where I worked went under and then DH had heart failure.

I think the hardest thing for DD to understand is depression. How do you explain that to a child? We have a school psychologist, she tries to be helpful but she said if we need to get further help we can go to some place.

I really fear the damage this must do a child. Not because her dad is out working and hasn't got time, but he basically is more like a teenage brother than a parent. He just does what he wants all the time, and then sleeps when it comes time to take any responsibility. And once again did not say good night, not because he is in bed but because he is doing some project, that he in fact wants me to help with, even though I was out all day with DD and I'm exhausted.. :(

And re long bedtime routines, we have had issues with bad behaviour at bedtime. So I am making it up to her, and also trying not to rock the boat. She seems to go bed better if it's a bit later and longer routine.

OP posts:

tralalala · 04/12/2011 21:51

Is he getting help for his depression?

marykat2004 · 04/12/2011 21:57

He has been in counseling for a few months but seems to be getting worse rather than better. Possibly due to bereavement, lost his father in September? But other parents I have talked to here and in real life say that when you lose a parent you should get closer to your own child, not ignore them completely...? I keep giving DH more and more time off, if he feels sad or down then it's another week of me doing everything.

OP posts:

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pollyblue · 04/12/2011 21:59

I agree with proudnscary - my dcs are still little (4 and 2) and we both say goodnight to them, have a cuddle and read a story (though imagine that bit's not necessary for a 7 year old). But it feels to me like an important part of the day, ending it affectionately - especially important if the day has been a bit fraught.

So i don't think YABU - could your dd go to him to say goodnight?

nooka · 04/12/2011 22:44

I don't think that you are unreasonable to feel sad and annoyed that your dh isn't making much effort or giving your dd as much attention as you feel she deserves. I don't know that the AIBU board is the right place to post for support, perhaps relationships or parenting might be better (if you are wanting ideas as to what to do rather than to vent). I do think that if the normal bedtime routine includes reading a story then your dh should be doing that, if not the chat.

nothingoldcanstay · 04/12/2011 22:59

I think it's more that you have different attitudes to bedtime than being unreasonable or not. I had no bedtime routine at all at 7 (bath bed kiss) but had a real morning routine where I got up and got the cows in (summer) or got up early and talked to my Dad before he went to work. The worry is is if there is nothing going on.

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