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Relationships

Want to end relationship - feeling guilty - cynic in me is starting to think HE'S controlling this

14 replies

MouldyMincePie · 03/12/2011 16:30

Relationship is crap. I dread seeing him. We have little in common these days, physical attraction for me has gone and there is no future. Since having these thoughts I've been trying to pluck up the courage to say it to him but always back out, feeling that it's not the right time. I've just been thinking however and I'm starting to think he KNOWS and is purposely trying to make it difficult.
All of a sudden he's bringing me chocolates almost everytime he comes to see me. He never used to do this. He's making plans for important dates such as new years eve (knowing that we'd have to book this now) and boxing day. He's just bought my kids a little christmas present (we said we wouldn't buy each others kids presents) and he's suddenly bought me loads for christmas despite us having a strict £20 limit on each other.
You could say he's just being nice but something is telling me he KNOWS and is doing what he can to make me feel too guilty to do it (yes he'd be fine being in a relationship knowing that the other person didn't want it).

Everytime I prepare to tell him, he'll do something else "oh btw, before you speak here is a huge bouquet of flowers I bought you! oh and I got you another christmas pressie today!!"

Am I being paranoid? does he know? is this just another example of him controlling?? He's skint so I do feel guilty finishing with him when I know he's bought me loads of stuff. But then again, I feel guilty taking it when I know I want to finish with him!

OP posts:

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Katisha · 03/12/2011 16:38

EXtravagent present-buying is very much a common symptom of a controlling relationship. It is trying to steamroller you.

DItch the guilt - its pointless.

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suburbophobe · 03/12/2011 16:39

What's stopping you from having "the talk" with him?

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Katisha · 03/12/2011 16:40

WHen you do tell him, be prepared for other extravagant gestures like weeping and wailing, having emergencies that only you can solve and possibly more...
Again - a common way to try and steamroller you back into line.

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Anniegetyourgun · 03/12/2011 17:00

Quick, dump him before he buys any more!

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buzzswellington · 03/12/2011 17:04

Just end it. He very likely does suspect you're thinking of breaking it off and so is trying to keep you through buying you stuff. But you can't be bought, right? Flowers and chocolates and presents don't outweigh the fact this relationship doesn't work for you. So stop feeling guilty and get a bit pissed off instead. Then do the thing.

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BertieBotts · 03/12/2011 17:07

If he wants to buy you stuff, that's his decision. If you really think he's doing it to be controlling (it sounds likely, BTW) then don't feel guilty about it. Just be blunt! After he gives you the flowers or whatever say "Thank you, they are lovely, but we need to talk." and then go on with the talk!

As you say, it's meant to make you feel guilty. So don't! You're perfectly entitled to end the relationship, you know, even if he was a really nice person. You don't need a reason to end it.

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itsalladirtylie · 03/12/2011 18:04

sounds like he wants you to feel indebted to him

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venusandChristMARS · 03/12/2011 19:10

He probably has no idea what is going on, but he probably senses a change in your interaction with him, and he is feeling insecure. That does not make him controlling. He may just be doing what people do when they feel insecure - they try anything to regain the previous status quo. That does make it right or OK.

But it does mean that if you are going to end the relationship, then you owe it to yourself and to him, to do it soon, and to do it cleanly.

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venusandChristMARS · 03/12/2011 19:11

That doesn't make it right or OK

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ImperialBlether · 04/12/2011 12:52

I can just imagine him talking to his next girlfriend.

"I used to buy her flowers all the time, always bought her kids lovely Christmas presents, etc etc and then she dumped me."

"Oh the bitch! Stay the night with me; I'll make you feel better..."

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izzywhizzysmincepies · 04/12/2011 12:57

yes he'd be fine being in a relationship knowing that the other person didn't want it

That tells you all you need to know, doesn't it?

Instead of waiting until he's on your doorstep bearing more gifts, give him a call and tell him it's over.

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FabbyChic · 04/12/2011 13:24

You are thinking too much into it, he knows something is wrong and is trying to make things better, he isnt consciously thinking she is going to break up with me so I will make her feel guilty, that is so far fetched I cannot believe you even think it.

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HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 04/12/2011 13:30

Why not say to him that this relationship just isn't working for you and you don't want to see him any more and you don't feel it is appropriate to accept these gifts so you think it best to tell him now so that he can return them and get his money back.

At the end of the day, you have to just do it, regardless how difficult it will be.

And yes, you may well be the bad guy in his eyes, but so what? You may just have to live with that if you want to be out of this relationship! You will know the truth and that's what matters.