My Cunting Bastard Ex

[ReindeerBollocks]

Have chronically ill DS (CF) with ex. Always had fairly informal custody arrangements and when we originally separated I worked full time so I had DS three days while ex had him four days. This lasted about a year, then care went 50/50.

DS then became unwell (few years ago) and ex decided to hit the bottle as a response. I took DS full time and cared for his medical needs and got ex into rehab (took bloody ages mind). It took a long time before ex was having regular access again as I needed to ensure that DS would be cared for (both normally and medically).

Ex did improve and got a job, which meant that he hasn't always been available to help with DS, but he sees him when he can. Occasionally he will go AWOL from work and us, but normally resurfaces and is responsible.

However, DS is currently going through a tough time health wise, and we've been on some intensive treatment for about a month. Ex started off being really helpful, coming to hospital when we were initially in etc. however, now DS is home and I'm doing IV antibiotics here (and running back and forth to the hosp for check up/meds/lung function/dietician) etc, Ex agreed to have DS on Wednesday for a couple of days to give me a break as I've been doing this treatment for about two weeks (and I'm pretty knackered). Ex was supposed to be working on Tuesday, then having DS on Wednesday. Except he phoned me Tuesday and was drunk, asked me to phone in work for him and he'd phone me on Wednesday to sort out arrangements for DS.

I heard nothing from Ex until tonight. I text him as all his phones are off to see what was happening as he didn't stick to arrangements etc, and DS wanted to speak to him.

I have been upstairs for the last three hours administering several evening treatments to DS. I have come down to an abusive message and he has basically gone off drinking again - best bit - he blames DS and the stress of his illness which has driven him back to drink.

Ex and I are normally friends but I want him to realise that he can't do this, and he absolutely can't blame DS (DS has enough to bloody cope with FFS).

Why the fuck can't he sort himself out and stick to it (I know I am being a cow, and addiction isn't like that) I'm livid on behalf of DS, and actually myself. It's not easy to deal with it all, but I'm tired of being responsible for it all, all of the time.

How am I meant to proceed now?

[ArtVandelay]

I have no idea Reindeer but I wanted to say that you have an unbelievable amount to cope with and I'm sorry. Can you contact AlAnon for support on dealing with an alcoholic - I do believe they encourage you to look after yourself rather than take on the addicts problems. It must be so hard to see him do this when you are working so hard. I hope your DS treatment is starting to have a positive effect.

[ChitChattingElf]

Reindeer, that's awful, I'm so sorry!

Ask your ex whether he'd rather be coping with having the CF himself, given that he's not coping with having a DS who has CF - prat....!!!

[Puspopper]

You are not a cow.

He is a waste of human protein.

I would work on the basis he is out of the picture. You have enough to cope with without the worry of this inadequate arsewipe.

[seriouschanger]

RD you under extreme stress coping with a severe condition that needs intensive treatment daily. You have enough on your hands without this wanker (sorry but he is) dumping his guilt onto you!

Keep that text message...get it logged with solicitor if you have too...as if he gets worse your ex you will have to prove why ds is unsafe in ex care!

I too a single mum to disabled child that I had to do 70 hrs of therapy a week for a year before winning help for a further 4 years...but had to still managed the home therapy (behavioural therapy) I understand how hard it when a useless spineless twunt blames a disabled child.....you aint got the time/energy for another grown up child in your life.

Contact GP and ask can you get Direct Payments so you can train someone in the exercises so you can have one evening a week off to go to the pictures/coffee/meal out ...just get out to have a break.
I wouldn't trust your ds with someone who is starting to say they blame the dc...if he is on drink again (which is depressant well I don't have a good feeling about your ex at all).

Your ds is ill and depends on you to keep him alive...you don't need his shit on top....I'd seek legal advice if I was you!

[ReindeerBollocks]

Thanks you lot, the only problem is DS hero worships his dad. He adores the Ex.

Obviously, when this type of thing happens (the drinking) I just distract DS from the fact that he hasn't seen his dad recently, and normally the Ex doesn't leave it too long to get in touch.

But I'm am so worn out and really angry that when it was Ex's turn to help he fucked off to drink himself into oblivion. I'm really struggling to cope here and I'm trying to keep DS's spirits up (DS is properly fed up at the moment due to all the treatments). I am just very tired and a bit irrational at the moment.

I've had a voicemail this evening calling me a whore/twat/wanker. Not sure what I've done wrong, but I know ex will phone and apologise whenever he gets round to sobering up (could be tomorrow could be next week). I also found out from a friend he rang his job on Tuesday and said he needed the whole week off to look after DS!

On a side note can I get in touch with AlAnon? I thought because I was no longer in a relationship with Ex that they wouldn't interact with me. I was going to go to a couple of meetings, when I was supporting him through rehab but he changed his mind, and didn't attend the follow up meetings.

[carantala]

So sorry for everything that is happening to you RB

Have no constructive advice to add; just wanted to send best wishes to you and your son.

[Loobyloo1902]

FFS, you poor lovely, you must be knackered. Is anyone looking after you at the moment? If not, can you fall at someone's door and get some time off?

Sending you a huge hug and a medal, a bloody big one. And some cake and a glass of vino

x

[joanofarchitrave]

God almighty, you poor thing. Sorry to give sympathy, not much help, no advice at all, I do do some caring in my life but nothing on this scale. Is there any help at all? Do you have a specialist nurse contact, CF trust, anybody who could suggest some more help while you're doing this?

[ReindeerBollocks]

Ex text an apology at 8am. Because I didn't instantly respond (again busy getting DC ready) he threw another tantrum, and told me he was taking me to Court to gain custody. He continued in this vein throughout various texts today, telling me how his wealthy parents can afford the best family solicitors.

He phoned again just now to apologise - he is still drunk (and was buying more booze while we were speaking). I let him speak to DS briefly, told him he was out of order and asked him to call me when he was sober.

I cannot believe he threatened me with Courts. We have maintained a decent relationship and even when things get a bit tetchy (which they can do from time to time) we have never used this against each other. I am really angry that he has done this and am actually considering visiting a solicitor just to protect my position. Is there anything a solicitor could do, especially in light of Ex's drinking?

I do have a DH for support but he works crazy hours (own business) and so doesn't really get involved in the different treatments for DS.

[seriouschanger]

wE HAVE MAINTAINED A DECENT RELATIONSHIP

sorry RB don't you mean I have accepted the abuse off ex when on a bender all this time. And it is only that you are so knackered and stressed and need a break that you realise what a selfish twat he is being your ex!

Please please don't accept this you have enough stress with ds being full time carer...your ex will drag you down if he carries on like this and you can't afford to get into this position. Do not answer phone to him at the moment as he is drunk and will only upset you more...you are only human...how much can you take before you break...I can guess by your posts not much more! As you are pushed all levels with ds. You need to keep these texts and messages and get a solicitor asap...do you want your ds left with a drunk who will be too pissed to do exercises or administer wrong doses of medication?

You need to try and save as much energy as possible. can you contact SS for respite help?

I got a feeling his behaviour is going to get worse as you are having to pay your poorly ds more attention and ex doesn't like it as he is a BIG kid throwing his dummy outta the pram...
You should get the evidence and get an injunction if this carries on.

Can you afford to get a carer in 2-3 evenings a week to do exercises whilst you get out/have a sleep whatever helps you!

But get to a solicitor asap....keep texts and abusive messages for solicitor.

[seriouschanger]

My ex was abusing my ds by giving him foods he was medically excluded from (gluten) and physically abused him...ds non verbal couldn't talk to tell me.
He hated me/ds and took it out on ds...I didnt know:(

[NettleTea]

I know that it is awful, as my oldest child also has CF, and its a torturous condition to deal with, both for the child and for the parent so huge unMN hugs for you.
My ex has also been useless about her condition (as well as particularly useless about everything else and an abusive twunt to boot) and never took it seriously at all, even when he did used to have unsupervised contact. He used to take her into pubs before the smoking ban - that was where he spent 90% of contact time, and no matter how many times I tried to explain creon to him, he would always call me to ask before feeding her. thats if he bothered feeding her. When she was in hospital he would tell them that he was bringing food down for her (he's a chef) and then not bother, leaving her without food. I even got a doctor of the same nationality to tell him about CF, wondering if there was something he was losing in translation, but it still didnt go in.
When he decided to break contact, and then a year later move abroad, rather than deal with his issues, he told my DP that he would wait until she was an adult and then she could come and be with him. DP bit his tongue, but wanted to say 'assuming she is still around at that point'.
DD had CAHMs come and do sessions with her to help her deal with the issues of her dad and his non involvement (there were fear issues too as she had witnessed DV with his then girlfriend) and it did help her alot - this really hurt as , like you, I felt she already had so much more to deal with than other children, and this awfulness and rejection from him was so unfair, but tbh the CAHMs support worker really helped, as she was an independant person for her to talk with, and it helped her to realise that although she might love her dada, because he was her dad, that his behaviour was not her fault.
The fact he blames his drinking on your son is really unfair, although he probably does use it as an excuse. Have either of you been able to access specific CF psyche help - does your unit have a councilling dept at the big centre who deal with you. i am getting near to wanting to talk to someone from there myself, as I understand how this illness hangs over you like a sentence - alot of the time you are just trying to deal with the day to day medical side, the keeping healthy, the trying to maintain normality for your child for as long as possible, and the future can be a dark place that you just dont want to open the door and look at. i cant give any advice about that. Does your hospital allow you to take some days off and do IVs as an inpatient. I know a family I met at DDs last admission did home IVs most of the time, but for various reasons the daughter came in for a few days to take the pressure off the mum. Its difficult being nurse and mum, and dividing the two. Sometimes you are so busy trying to do the right thing medically that you can be overwhealmed and you forget to have the fun times.
DD started seeing her dad again last year after a gap of nearly 4 years- it went to court as I took out some protective measures and as a result contact was resumed in a supervised way. I would feel that if you ex is drinking again, and has been classified as alcoholic, that it might be detrimental for your boy's health to be left in his charge. Its not going to help you with time off, but might put your mind at rest in regards to worrying about him while contact takes place. Are there other family members (ex's parents?) where contact could take place. my ex was always amicable so long as never questioned and allowed to come and go regarding contact as he felt like it. If challenged he was far from OK, and I too was subject to his abuse. Its not acceptable. Its really bloody hard knowing that you cant rely on them. In the end I didnt I just had to accept that he wasnt going to help and work it out with friends and relatives.
BTW my mum laid it on the line about DDs condition, came down really heavy with a kind of 'we want to give her all we can while we can' talk and it went in briefly. He was all talk about how he wanted to do more. He never did.
Not sure if that is any help at all. Do you use the CF trust forum, there is alot of support on there too.

[Jux]

Keep the texts, messages etc and if you can record calls, do. Keep a diary of everything to do with ex. Not that I believe he is issuing anything but empty threats because he's pissed.

AlAnon will welcome families and friends of alcoholics. That does include you because are the mother of his child.

I would be very tempted to phone his work asking for him as you haven't seen him all week and were expecting him to help with ds ....... But I'm a bitch

[learningtofly]

Hi RB just read your thread and fab post Nettletea Very unMN hugs to you both.

My first instinct is to ask if your local or tertiary CF team have a social worker attached to them - our does but she is employed through Barnardo's so not SS directly, which makes many families feel she is perhaps more approachable than SS and more intune with the issues surrounding CF(without wishing to diminish other social workers). She is exactly the person I would ask for advice in a situation like yours where there is conflict. If you are not sure then I would ask any professional involved in your ds' care as they should know and be able to signpost you to them.

We also have a psychologist attached to the team who works with families who might also be of support to you.

The CF trust (as you probably are well aware) are brilliant and if you dont get any joy out of your local team they would be my next stop. They have been exceptional in recent times in making sure services are not being affected by "financial constraints" and should be able to provide more advice.

Hth and I will continue to lurk. Best wishes x

[ReindeerBollocks]

Thank you so much everyone.

nettletea you described so much how I am feeling right now. Like a nurse, not a mum. He is really going through it at the moment with extended IVs and a cough that won't budge, plus a whole load of new bugs in his sputum.

I watched a documentary on BBC3 about a woman with CF on the transplant list this week, and I haven't been able to stop crying. I shouldn't have watched it, but my god, she was only 21 and nearly died. Doesn't help that we know a lovely young person here who passed away not so long ago. Some CF'ers seem relatively healthy, but DS just seems to have had a rough ride and isn't in the best of health which makes me feel really guilty, despite us abiding by all the treatment regimes all the time.

I almost regret learning home IVs (well actually it can be much better when they are just his routine ones). I asked for the hospital to do them a few years back when Ex was really struggling, and was weeks away from rehab (I had a new baby with DH as well). The clinic then asked me at his next routine IV time whether I was 'up to it' yet as they hate wasting bed space for routine IVs. I felt awful like I was letting DS down so I've always done them since.

learningtofly we don't have any assigned SS workers and I don't believe that we have any psych support either. Is it common for the team to have these? I will check out the CF boards maybe, I left when they changed a few years ago and haven't really been back. But I guess it might be time to revisit. Am really reluctant to contact normal SS though, what help can they provide?

Jux the thought of doing that ran through my head, but his work are aware he has drink issues - he phoned in a couple of times due to being drunk when he was supposed to be working. I don't want him to lose his job, but I may rely on the fact that they will have his drunk behaviour on their records, you know, just incase .

Serious changer. Ex, when sober is actually a good father, loving attentive to DS's needs and actually a good person. He is just an arsehole when drinking (part of this caused massive problems in our relationship). He wouldn't hurt DS when drunk he would just neglect his care needs, but I wouldn't let DS go in that state. We have been friends, but actually there are aspects of Exs behaviour that are probably linked to his alcoholism.

Just writing it out brings clarity. Will see a solicitor and contact our community nurse and ask for a chat. Not sure what she can do, but if my concerns are noted then its all recorded should I need it.

[ReindeerBollocks]

I forgot to add, I hope that nettletea & learningtofly DCs are keeping well too.

And seriousnamechanger I hope your DS is ok now too.

[seriouschanger]

yes ds is fine now with ex causing hassle...hope your ex stops drinking soon and gets a grip and starts actually helping you again...best to see solicitor even for half hour free for advice....good luck with ex and most of all hope your ds is getting better and stronger again soon.

[seriouschanger]

ex not causing hassle

[NettleTea]

I watched that documentary too it was heartbreaking, but luckily the girl in it is on the CF forum and so we knew she was going to be OK. My DD is always given a bed for IVs -our local hospital are wonderful with her and I know we are very fortunate as have heard some dreadful stories. We usually arrange it so she has meds at 8,4 and midnight, that way she can go to school in the day or come home, and as I say they suggested the other girl to come in for a few days to give her mum a break. which major hospital are you with? I thought the big ones all had a psycologist but you would probably have to ask. Have you spoken to care for the carers? It sounds as if your ex really needs some help beyond AA this is quite a specific issue, it goes beyond depression as its based in fear and having to accept that we have children for whom the future may not be bright. Alot of men seem to not be able to deal with well - it seems it's the men's need to fix the problem that causes the conflict, especially when a problem can't be fixed. It has been shown in studies that men also have a much harder time dealing with the fact that they created a child that wasn't perfect. Until your son got I'll the first time, your ex was OK. CF is cunning like that -it doesn't show on the outside and so it's possible to bury your head and pretend it isn't real, until they end up in hospital and the everyday treatments crank up. I am guessing he never had help at this time? Does his drinking get worse every time your boy is sick? Which of course is ironic as its when you need his help the most. I imagine the foulness is his anger at the whole situation although it doesn't excuse it, and I understand why he should not be left to be responsible when he is drunk. What are his family like, is there any way you can speak to them, to encourage him to get some focused help during a better period, and maybe they could take up the slack for you to help out? Doesn't help you now of course, but maybe helping to put things in place for the future.
I would also speak to your team and tell them that when he is on IVs that you need to have a break during the course as you have no support. They have a care of duty to the whole family and as my consultant said "we are the medical team, it's our job to look after DD so never feel guilty for leaving her in hospital. You are her mum, and we want to help you to be that."

[learningtofly]

hello hope things are looking better for you.

sorry I didnt mean to mislead you but my advice comes from a professional aspect as I work with children with CF - i do hope you have found the support you need

[ReindeerBollocks]

I am glad I started this thread, as the advice has been just what we needed.

DS finished IV's now, he's not great but they've decided hopefully that some orals be good (we've had an awful time with Tobi levels, bloody things wouldn't stablise, giving very inaccurate readings from one day to the next).

But now I've had a day or two to calm down and reflect I feel much more able to cope now, I don't know why but IVs always seem to stress me out and there's always something to do. We still have enough to be getting on with now, but at least we can avoid Christmas on IV's.

I had a frank and honest discussion with Ex who got in touch on Sunday. I told him that he had to seek support from a CF psychologist and I told him that I would be getting legal advice on how best to protect my position as full time carer. (he threatens going for custody when drunk, and I want to protect myself from future threats). I am prepared to get him back in DS's life ASAP as they have a lovely relationship when Ex is on top of stuff.

So basically, while Ex is now sorting himself out, he has been thoroughly told, and hopefully we have three months for Ex to seek psychological support to prevent him from turning to drink when DS's health worsens. I am not expecting miracles, but it's a start and hopefully will help us all in the long run. I am also going to get in touch with AlAnon separately and ask for the best course of action if/when Ex does drink.

learning to fly - professional advice is always welcome!

nettletea - thank you, every word you wrote I was sat here going 'yes, someone who understands'.

Luckily my mum is back from holiday too and can do all his nebs/physio and night feeds so she has offered to take them next weekend so I can get a rest or just eat my body weight in Xmas chocs

[NettleTea]

Happy to hear the update. IVs are always a hard time, especially when the levels keep going haywire, and I think you have taken some positive steps regarding you ex. He sounds like he cares, probably too much, but hasnt been able to cope. I dont know why we parents are left to struggle on when some therapy from people who really understand would be so beneficial. I really hope it works out for you xxxxx

[ReindeerBollocks]

It's baby steps at the moment, but I know Ex adores DS. You seem fairly together though Nettletea, I wish I had your manner :)

[NettleTea]

oh, Im not always so together. Went out with my friend today and after talking about DD in the car on the way home she asked if I had any support/help to deal with it all. I felt myself welling up just being asked and had to tell her that I try not to think about it too much and it was quite difficult to even deal with the question.